Overwhelmed and lost

[Hopefulalien]

This is all quite overwhelming, and I'm not even sure where to start...

I'm constantly meditating, listening to guided talks,reading positive gratitude filled quotes and exercising however I continue to feel completely useless, unloved, not important. I feel like an absolute alien.

I've moved interstate in the last 12 months and am living with my partner of 2 years and I constantly have this waive of crushing feelings come over me, I'm just not good enough. I observe every action of my partner, the way he doesn't kiss me or touch me, or call me or tell me that I'm beautiful or that he loves him... And it eats me, it consumes me, I constantly feel like I'm not important, I'm a horrible person for wanting affection, intimacy and love. I constantly feel like I'm just not good enough.

And then I come home to spend time with family and again I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I don't do enough for them, I have nothing in common with my family anymore, I don't fit in here and I try to make an effort. But I feel dismissed.

I don't even know where or how to start to work through this..

[blondguy]

Hello Hopefulalien

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thankyou for posting too!

My name is Paul and I will try to help. I must say I would be very concerned if I was 'ignored' like you are. I may be very sensitive but that would hurt me a great deal too. I am just thinking about the 50/50 split in a relationship and yours is far from this or even far from it.

You have a great inner strength by reaching out to us on the forums. By doing so Hope, you are not a failure...unimportant....or a horrible person for just wanting some tender loving care.

Just to let you know that moving house (not even interstate) is 2nd on the list where major life changing stressful events are concerned. I would find moving interstate (with or without a girlfriend a huge move)

If I can ask you Hope....why did you move interstate? Why do you feel you don't fit in when you come home?

You are a very important person Hope. There are many very kind people here on the forums that can be here for you. I am sorry for the questions but I just need a bit more info so I can try to be more of a help to you:-)

Sorry again....Can I also ask you if your partner had also moved interstate with you or does he have family already there?

We are here for you Hope.....It would be great if you could post back 🙂

Paul

[geoff]

hello, it seems from what you do that no one seems to love you, and show their appreciation for what you do.
Sometimes by listening to talks, meditating and reading literature can work, but sometimes you keep asking yourself 'why doesn't this happen to me', because everything I've done doesn't make me feel as though I'm worthy, I'm just an object, doing what has to be done and no one says anything nice or loving to me, and what's so horrible about feeling this way, nothing, that's what all of us want to know how much we are loved, so at the moment it's an empty existence, well how about stopping whatever you do for a day or so and see what happens, because they will realise how valuable you are to them.
Book yourself and your partner into a couple's counselling session, so that you can tell him out loud how you feel, rather than keeping it to yourself, because once we do this it just breeds discontemptment and could lead onto depression and no one would ever want this to happen, if it hasn't already.
Book a week end away with him, somewhere there are activities that you both enjoy, not somewhere he can go fishing all day, or play golf all day, unless you enjoy these yourself, and then try and connect back with him.
Let us know how you get on. Geoff. x

[Hopefulalien]

My partner moved first, we both saw this as a great career opportunity. I always said that I moved for my career and it has been the best move for my career. But I really wanted to move to be with my partner and I guess to build our life together.

We have both moved away from family, we have made some wonderful and supportive friends here though and my partner has made friends who I don't think he would normally be friends with.. They make it known that they don't like me, and invite only him to events, frequently, which end up with him so drunk he can't function the next day.. He seems to make really poor decisions when around them.

I wind up feeling absolutely crappy about myself! And even think should I feel and think the way I do.

When I come home... My family have very different interests, and I feel that I am always talking to them about their interests and constantly fitting in with their schedules and things.. And when I try to bring something up about my life and interests, I see eyes roll, closed, not interested body language and the subject is changed so quickly.

I constantly think that its me, I have this oh wo poor me mind... That I'm loopy! I shouldn't see what I see and I'm making it up. I should feel so much more grateful, patient and understanding

[pipsy]

Dear Hopefulalien. How long have you been with your partner. Has it always been you making all the overtures? It sounds like you're trying to make a relationship where there really isn't one. He's not encouraging you to participate with him, his mates are leaving you out too. I don't think the fault is yours or his, I feel you are in a situation where there is nothing holding you together. Your partner does need to know how you feel. He needs to re-connect with you. Perhaps Geoff's idea of a weekend away is a good idea. I would suggest you put the idea to him, gauge his reaction. Body language (if you know how to read it) would be good here. If he is all for it, go for it, if he starts making 100 reasons why not, then you may have to look at alternatives for building a life of your own. He may be one of these people who wants an 'independent' gf where occasionally you go out together. Some people live quite happily like that, providing they agree. If you want a more intimate relationship where you share interests, you may have the wrong bf.

Lynda.

[Hopefulalien]

Thanks for your reply Geoff.

i agree a weekend away could help us reconnect.

i do feel a little more relaxed today, I think putting things into words got it out of my head and off my chest.

i think I'm creating a lot of issues, I don't blame my partner or expect him to fix anything. I seem to be so dependent on being loved and approved. Even to the point I shy away from things as I think I will disappoint people, I absolutely fear that rejection. i take so much notice of when people do dismiss me, and zero notice when people make a positive effort. and then I turn into this mess of a person and just seem to beat myself up!

i don't like this about myself.. I want to be my secure, warm, loving self. I don't want to get upset and hide

i hope this makes sense...

[blondguy]

Hi hope...thankyou for posting back. I have just read the excellent advice that Geoff and Pipsy provided..

Geoff Said:

Book yourself and your partner into a couple's counselling session, so
that you can tell him out loud how you feel, rather than keeping it to
yourself, because once we do this it just breeds discontentment and
could lead onto depression and no one would ever want this to happen, if
it hasn't already.

Pipsy Said: He's not encouraging you to participate with him, his mates are leaving you out too

I know you have already read these comments but they are important and if your partner isnt keen on going to a couples counselling session it may be time to get your own life back.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Hopefulalien]

I am all over the place!

I dont think I want anyone to tell me what to do... I just want someone to tell me that I'm good enough, I'm a good person. because right now I don't believe or feel that I am.

We have ended. I should have long ago, he wasn't happy and I kept pushing it on him. All of the signs were there but I just didn't want to acknowledge them! I keep thinking that I sabotaged this, I wanted him to hold me, to tell me that I was beautiful and that he loved me. I wanted the cute little things to continue... That all stopped from him long ago! The more I begged and pleaded the more it drove him away... And the more he withheld affection the more rejected I began to feel! The more I started to think of myself as a very ugly person, inside and out.

id get jealous. I read his messages... I did not like them. I knew better! My gut said something was wrong and I continued to push it aside. I continued to fight him and beg him to love me. Because I don't think that I love myself! And there's a few things I don't like...

- my health

- I over think

- I'm so dependent on approvals and making people proud!

- I think that I'm nasty and not a fun person

- I fought with him, I would dwell on it

- rejection cripples me

- I'm not confident

ive started back at the gym... But I'm not sure how to help myself see myself as a capable and loving person.

I'm all over the place, everything is so daunting! I'm all on my own!