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Ongoing issues. Where to even begin?

Community Member

I’m not new to these forums but I haven’t posted in ages.

I’ve been struggling with depression, some anxiety and near constant suicidal thoughts for a few years now.
I tried to reach out to a GP and found the process humiliating and unproductive - I left with little more than a pat on the back and vague suggestions to “make some life changes”. Since this bad experience I have resisted going back even though I know I really should.

I recently settled on a method of dying that suits me and I have acquired everything I need, but I have no specific time or date set to go through with it. I guess I’m waiting to reach a threshold of desperation or agitation that will allow me to overcome any reservations. I don’t anticipate that this will happen anytime soon unless something happens that puts me in a bad place.

I used to have some outlets I could use that would help me feel better, usually outdoor activities, but now I can’t get the motivation together to even really try. I have become very unfit which has fed negatively into already terrible self image.

It also probably doesn’t help that I live on my own a fair way out of town, I don’t really get any visitors, and having to drive over an hour to work is an hour each way that I’m left with no distractions from my own thoughts.

I have a full time job which I have a love/hate relationship with. There are aspects of it that bring me great satisfaction, but it is also the direct cause of a lot of the issues I now have to deal with, esp. anxiety.
The live entertainment industry has a terrible track record for mental health outcomes, even before COVID ruined everything. I have lost several of my friends to suicide.

In the build up to a large event it’s normal to have some pre gig nerves. These days though the pre gig jitters has morphed into something closer to a state of panic, although I am good at hiding it.
It’s all I’ve known since high school however and I don’t think I have the courage to start from scratch doing something new. I also worry about being able to support myself, if I have to start again at the bottom. I already struggle financially.

I guess the point to all this is that I don’t know what to do, where to go from here, how to get myself some help. To be honest if help was offered I’m not 100% sure I would follow it because I think I do actually want to die. And yet I’m writing this post in this space so who knows ?

Thanks for listening anyway.

4 Replies 4

Dear StgCrw,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

Community Member

Hi Sophie, thanks for the reply.

I’ve been trying to drum up the courage to either respond to that email or give one of those services a call most of the day but I don’t seem to have it in me.
I have a friend with me at the moment now though, who knows a bit of what this can be like.

the prospect of turning up to work tomorrow is causing a ridiculous amount of stress right now.

Hey, I understand the thoughts your talking about and having the means without immediate intention. Also the GP scenario of humiliation , they just dont have the training but are probably trying to do their best. Believe it or not I noticed quite a few flickers of hope in your post whether you realise its there or not. Hope is crucial and you have it. Am glad youve got a friend with you. If things get bad, you might find ringing lifeline helps. If you dont connect with the operator hang up and ring back until you find one you do connect with. This really helped me and can be part of your safety plan meaning you can ring regularly if need be. The boundaries at lifeline are pretty loose in comparison to a GP's office meaning you can bring up topics you cant mention anywhere else. I like to think of it as a relief space where you can step outside the mental health closet. Just throwing a few things out there that have worked for me. Can you take a sickie tomorrow to remove some pressure? There's so much written around this forum about the pressures of work when mental health is a factor. Going to work everyday isnt easy, and that you are says youre alot stronger than you think. Would love to see you post again if you feel up to it. There are some really wise people here who always show up to support others like yourself. Look after you tonight.

ThankYou for the thoughtful reply Succulent Queen

went to work, it sucked, but there was no getting out of it. I do feel better though for having done something with my day.

Some good tips there re Lifeline, although I suspect running the GP gauntlet again is probably the only effective way to really get things moving in the right direction. I will try and make an appointment tomorrow.