Numb new expecting mum

[SashaS]

I’m in mid 20s and pregnant with my 1st child. I moved here a year ago alone with no fam/friends here. I am numb or not myself. I just seem to block everything or I just switch off the emotions like a weird ‘no feeling’ autopilot I now live in, without even trying. This baby was unplanned. I was not sad at first but now I constantly feel the pressure of not being ready and that I am going through this on my own. I don’t live with my partner and to be honest I am not sure we will stay together. He hasn’t done anything wrong I am now no longer intimate and have lost my feeling of connection and love. He is mostly supportive. He can say things lately with good intentions but I take it as I am not good enough and I know he doesn’t understand unintentionally he has added to my own feeling of worthlessness. I wish he could understand my feelings. I used to be able to manage stress, I now no longer seem to be coping and I don’t even really care that I’m not, I have accepted I am in a bad place. I cry and worry a lot about not being ready/prepared to be a mum. At one point I was ready to give baby up because of how useless I feel. I couldn’t. I feel like a terrible person for considering it but going through this on my own is scary for me. Im in my 2nd trimester. I have a lot of anxiety and am socially withdrawn now. I clean a lot now I think to avoid myself but I don’t know. I have thoughts of just disappearing and wishing I wasn’t in this situation or any, I would just like to not exist as it is exhausting. Everything I do now feels like an exhausting battle and Im too tired to fight. My usual positive outlook is gone. I normally do not dwell and I dislike self pity and I can not bring myself to call a councillor because I have a lot of social anxiety about talking to strangers. I feel worthless and almost no emotions about being pregnant. I feel crazy or like a robot. I have not felt happy about anything for weeks now just coasting life like I am not even me anymore. I wake up throughout the night and I am constantly hearing noises that feel real but looking out my window nothing’s there or no one else hears them. I use to feel full of life and the world was my oyster, now I don’t feel much at all. I think I needed to let this out and I wish reading it over I felt something, but I don’t. I don’t know what is next for me. I won’t seek help, I can not do it. I am not worried about myself. Just want some peace.

[Sophie_M]

Hey SashaS,

Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment. We understand how tough it can be to cope during this pandemic, and we understand this must be especially difficult without the support of your friends and family since you moved here a year ago. To add being a new expectant mum to all of this must be really overwhelming.

Please know no matter how dark things may seem in the moment, things can get better and support is always available. We'd really encourage you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available to you anytime on 1300 22 4636. If you'd feel more comfortable typing about what you're going through with one of our specially trained and qualified mental health professionals via the 24/7 webchat available through our our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service (CMWSS) here: https://cmwssonline.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start.

You might also find some comfort and extra support in this piece on our CMWSS page: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/managing-my-daily-life/coping-with-isolation-and-being-at-home...

In addition to this, the lovely counsellors at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7 to help support you through this. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

These forums are a safe and non-judgmental place to express your throughts and feelings, and our community are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.