Not sure where to start

Tearsandsmiles · ‎23-12-2015

Hi,

I'm new here and I wanted to reply to thread instead of posting a new one, but I didn't want to spill my problems on someone else's post, because I didn't think that would help them...

Actually, that's my life in a sentence, I never want to be a burden on anyone or put myself in people's lives (does that make sense ?). I have been sad for a long time now, I'd say over a year, probably close to 2 years now. I don't know why I started feeling like that. I've always been shy and I can't say that I have had a close friend for a long time. I'm not the type that has had a best friend since school. I seem to always get left behind, people move on and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm 'too hard' to be friends with.... I honestly don't think that though because I'm sure everyone who knows me would say that I'm lovely, funny, loyal etc.

When I say I haven't been happy for a long time, I honestly mean that. I sometimes just want to sit and cry, but I have kids and a husband, and I just think to myself that I need to wait until I'm alone to have my cry. I know I need to go to the doctors but I don't even have a trusted doctor, and how do you start that conversation ?? I told my husband the other day that I couldn't remember the last time I felt happy, and I cried to him, but he has obviously dismissed it. I have tried dropping hints to my mum but my dad has suffered depression for years (although he's fine on medication), and I don't want to burden her. And to be honest I think she would just think 'oh no, not another one !'

I'm happy when I'm at work, and I have friends there but they are work friends, not friends I socialise with outside of work. It's when I'm at home that I feel the most lonely. My kids are great and my husband is too.

We've had a lot of stress with my husband's work situation this year, many ups and mainly downs, hopefully he's on the right track now and we can get settled with that part of life, but at the moment it's adding to my stress, and financial worries.

I'm always stressed and worried and sad. Any advice - where do I turn ?

Hamlet_24 · ‎23-12-2015

Hi, it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and I really respect how strong you've been up until now. I understand how tough it can be when the world is falling apart around you especially if you feel like people are depending on you to be the strong one. What I want to reiterate is that you need and deserve support as well; if your dad has suffered from depression for years your parents probably knorw better than anyone what it's like and might be able to give you the best advice, if they love and care for you they won't consider it a burden. As for your husband, if he's been dismissive of your feelings then you need to sit him down and outline how unacceptable that was, no matter how much pressure he's under you're his partner and you need to have your needs met as well. The hardest part is knowing when to ask for help; my advice is if you're not happy with your current GP find another one, outline your problems and they'll work out a mental health plan and can help refer you to a therapist who bulk bills. In the meantime the best gift you can give yourself is time, time to heal. All the best I hope this was helpful

Tearsandsmiles · ‎23-12-2015

Thanks Hamlet.

My husband is not great at emotional stuff, and we are complete opposites - he is an optimist and I am a pessimist (something I hate about myself, and adds to my feelings of hopelessness). However I know he loves me. He just says I worry too much and everything will be fine...

Where the GP is concerned, I don't go to the doctors often, so haven't built up a relationship with anyone. Some days when I'm feeling really low, I think to myself that I'll go and tell the doctor, but then the next day I chicken out. I'm not sure how to approach the subject with the doctor, don't even know what my first words would be.... It makes me feel anxious, even thinking about going. Maybe they will just think I'm worrying about nothing...

I kind of just wish that someone would broach the subject with me, that someone would notice that I feel sad and ask me if I'm ok, because I think I'd probably tell them - but the thought of telling someone who doesn't really care, worries me.

StefT · ‎23-12-2015

Sounds like your life has constricted to the point that you are ruminating negatively. You really want some friends to talk to especially a female friend or two. The challenge with many of us more introverted types is to accept a little discomfort and push out of our comfort zone to get what we want in life. Yeah it can be daunting but they say something like envision the result not the imagined pain involved in doing it. Join a social group, club or do a short course. Find forums online, you already have here.

Your self worth is low so any positive motivational input would be valuable. Apparently a lot of our fears disappear when we learn to love ourselves, our inner child. You could see a professional or just browse the internet for articles, forums, videos for material, there are tons avaliable, it's free also. Just some thoughts, i'm working though this myself 🙂

Hamlet_24 · ‎23-12-2015

Ah the optimist/pessimist combo; they can be great so clueless sometimes, they don't always understand the difference between sad and depressed or anxiety and stress. In regards to your anxiety about going to the doctors I actually work as a simulated patient for medical students and they're actually tested on empathy and are required to take mental health concerns very seriously. If you had diabetes you wouldn''t deny yourself treatment because you're afraid people wouldn't take you seriously it's the same with depression. Though you might not know it you're probably doing an exceptional job at hiding in plain sight, many of us do and we can't just wait for people to be looking properly when we let our guard down. Remember depression isolates you, I don't know if you've read the Harry Potter books but it's like having your own personal dementor, it sucks out all the joy in life until you're left with nothing but your darkest thoughts and it sounds like you've got a good things in your life that are worth holding onto. What if one of your kids had depression and was really suffering? I have no doubt that you'd be doing everything in your power to get them help, please show yourself the same courtesy. Asking for help isn't invasive it's an incredibly brave and noble thing to do, you deserve peace of mind and you'd be setting a wonderful example to your kids. They'll learn how important self car'e is and they'll take that lesson well into adulthood.

Nearly everybody I know has been touched by depression-you are not alone, you're people are out there and they're waiting to help you through this crisis. If you're scared to go the doctors alone take your husband or your mum it sounds like she'd get it.

Tearsandsmiles · ‎09-01-2016

So I was dreading the holiday period.... And to be honest I'll be glad to get back to work. I smiled at the right times but I can honestly say that all I felt was anxious and numb.

Trying to enjoy the holidays with the kids but I just haven't got the motivation.

I know a lot of my issues are currently financial stresses, so I'm hoping 2016 is kinder to me, so that I can be kinder to myself !!

White_Rose · ‎10-01-2016

Hello T&S

It's good you have come to BB for some support. I offer you a warm welcome and hope you will continue to post here.

You have been given some great tips in the previous posts. Please consider your options. I always tell people to get informed. Scroll to the bottom of the page and under The Facts click on the depression checklist and on Depression. Some of the information provided by BB is for Family and Friends so get your husband to read this. Send for all the information you want. It's important to know what is happening to you.

Talking to someone you do not know well about your mental health issues can be daunting. So I suggest you make a list of what you are feeling and how long it has been going on. Then you can hand this to the doctor who will take it from there. Please make the appointment. Getting well on your own in almost impossible. We all know we need help and the easiest way is to start with your doctor.

All the feelings of being useless, unwanted, anxious, numb, feeling like a burden. These are all classic depression symptoms and while I cannot make this diagnosis it seems to be likely.You ask how to start the conversation with your GP. Just hand over the list. No need to say anything until your doctor starts the conversation, then be as open as possible.

I always worry when someone tries to care for themselves. It's not likely to succeed, although I give you full marks for trying. That determination will stand you in good stead for your recovery. You have the example of your father being depressed and say he is OK when taking antidepressants. So why do you feel you cannot get this kind of help?

As Hamlet said, you would be doing your best to help a child get well again. So treat yourself as one of your children, let go of some of your need to be the strong one who does everything for everyone, and take yourself to your GP.

Tell your husband that depression does not go away by itself. Insist he read the literature you get from BB and not stick his head in the sand. I also agree that talking with your parents would be great. You will not be pushed away and they are in the best position to help you. Go for it.

Please write in again and say you have started the journey towards health. I really want to hear these words. You have much hidden strength so bring it out into the daylight.

Mary