Need to get some burdens off my chest

[Thermo]

Hi to anyone who reads this. This is my first time using any support websites, so I’m a little unsure of what I should do. I just don’t feel like I have any other options at this point. It’s been about a year and a half since I got out of a toxic relationship, I was essentially blackmailed into it. Long story short I’ve not had much experience with women or relationships, so I was taken completely by surprise when someone from my friend group confessed a romantic interest in me, though it wasn’t mutual, after trying to let them down gently they began to threaten to harm themselves. After talking to someone who I used to believe was my best friend about it they said it was my fault for not accepting. I felt I had no choice and agreed to try going out with her. In the end I spent over half a year of them insulting me or ignoring me after falsely claiming I had been disloyal, then threatening to end their own life “because of me” I didn’t know what to do. I’m still relatively young and inexperienced so I was terrified by the idea that I could be held responsible for someone’s life and death. I now realise this was not the case and what I was lead to believe. Ultimately I broke up with them after spending months to build up the courage. Since we were in the same friend group I was gradually phased out, after she claimed I had dumped them for no reason. Most of the people in our group knew how she treated me and threatened me but still ignored me and insulted me until I decided it would be better to be left alone. To this day I’ve never had the chance to tell my side of the story, because I know it’s a small town and my few friends I’ve made in the past couple of years might feel pressured to choose sides, and I don’t want that for anyone. I just wish it felt like any of my problems were heard, or that there was someone out there who cared about the way these things impact me. It feels selfish of me to even write this on the internet. No matter what I do I can’t help but feel my situation isn’t as bad as other people’s, it feels like all I’m asking for is people’s pity because that what I grew used to being told anytime I would ask for help. From my mother, and from people I thought of as my closest friends, for years. I feel like even though I’m nearly able to physically move away from all of this it will continue to haunt me for years to come. As a young man, I fear that I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling isolated just like I do now. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Thermo


Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are sorry to hear of what you went through however so glad to hear that you are able to identify the relationship as being toxic.  You refer to being verbally insulted, being given the silent treatment, being blackmailed by threats to harm themselves or end their life, behaviours all of which characterize domestic abuse.  These behaviours are designed to make you feel guilty and obligated to them so that the perpetrator does not have to take responsibility for their emotional and psychological abuse.  No matter what others go through, your experience is always valid please remember that but the feelings you have as a result of this abuse are not your burden to carry.
 
Thermo, we are so glad you have come forward to tell your story, it takes courage and is a sign of taking back your power, so please give yourself credit for that and remember you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.  We thought it might be helpful for you to reach out to 1800 RESPECT; they are a 24/7 counselling support service for anyone having experienced or is currently experiencing domestic abuse:
 
1800 RESPECT Click Here or call 1800 737 732 and also
1800 RESPECT Chat online Click Here
 
Of course Thermo, if ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[Summer Rose]

Hi Thermo

I’m really saddened that you had such a bad experience in your recent relationship. I do understand it took a lot of courage for you to bring it to an end, and feel you should be really proud of yourself.

From my experience, not all relationships are healthy for us and they don’t always work out the way we think they will. The important knowledge you now have is that, you have the ability to recognise a troubled relationship and the strength to end it. That’s a lot more than a lot of people can say.

It’s tough to feel isolated in a small town particularly, but as someone at the other end of the age spectrum my experience is that this feeling will not be life long as you fear.

Please know that we all make mistakes, what’s important is what we do next. I’m confident that you will learn from this experience. 
And I want you to know that I feel no pity for you. I do, however, empathise with you and care that you feeling distress. Hang in there.
Kind thoughts to you 

[Croix]

Dear Thermo~

I'd like to join Sophie_M and Summer Rose in welcoming you here.

There is one thing that maybe might give you a different regard for yourself.

Yes, there is indeed a certain type of person who uses blackmail and abuse, and they tend to pick their victims as many people would just brush them off.  The ones they pick have empathy and concern for others -and a sense of duty. Somehow or other they  seem to instinctively know how to play on these feelings -an unhappy arrangement.

So yes, you have been in a toxic relationship, and not one you can talk to  others about, or feel comfortable doing so, and it has caused you a great deal of greif. Still those things, empathy, concern, duty are all virtues that an awful lot of others who have seen something of life would value highly.

You are a pretty good person and I expect you  will meet someone who values precisely those things - and has them too. Please do not let this experience stop you from seeing good people as they really are and valuing them. Given the past you will quickly see if they are not genuine.

Croix

[quirkywords]

Thermo

i want to add my support. You were strong to end the relationship and am sorry you had to suffer so much and so long. Alas people will believe what they want to but true friends hopefully will be there for you. 
You are a kind soul. Thanks for sharing. 

[sbella02]

Thermo,

Thank you for being so open in your post here, it takes courage to be able to share something so personal. It also takes courage to recognise the toxicity in a relationship and be able to distance yourself. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience in your relationship with this person, and subsequently your friendship with the people who remained complacent throughout the situation. It must feel so isolating to not only go through a situation where somebody treats you horribly, but to also be surrounded by people who are willing to stay silent about it. 

I can see that others have already offered you some great advice, and I'm here to echo this and offer my own.

Firstly, you don't have to feel selfish for sharing your experience. Your feelings are valid and important. Breaking up is difficult in general, but to be compounded with the toxic behaviours that you have described would make it all the more challenging. To hear that you're nearly able to distance yourself from the situation is a great feat, but of course, I can understand how it would still be affecting you emotionally. 

Is there anyone else close to you in your life who you would feel comfortable confiding in about this? One thing that really helped me after my recent breaking was talking things through with the people around me who I felt comfortable talking to. Sometimes it can be useful to talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or family member, as they also have greater insight into you, your life, and what strategies may help you moving forward.

If you would feel comfortable, it may also help to approach your GP, a psychologist, or therapist. They may be able to offer some professional advice and potentially coping strategies, if you feel like this is something that would be helpful for you.  

The right crowd of people will love, support, and be there for you, especially in times of need. It's just a matter of finding them, as they may come at different stages of your life and for different reasons. 

I hope this is helpful advice for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward. Please don't hesitate to reach out again if you need, we're here to support you.

All the best, SB