My Story - Depression/Anxiety

[ontarioguy35]

Where to begin.  I’ve struggled with depression for around fifteen years.  It’s been a struggle to say the least.  I was abused emotional/verbal/psychological by my mother.  As a visible minority in non multi-cultural small town, I’ve also experienced high levels of racism.  When I was younger (late teens/early twenties) something inside of me knew that I couldn’t start my life until my family issues were resolved.  I swallowed my pride and starting seeing a counsellor – one of many to this day.  At that age, I was very ashamed of not only the change I was feeling internally, but I was also very ashamed of the dysfunction that was occurring at home.  My counsellor naturally suggested that I ask the family member who abused me to join, but unfortunately she was unwilling to acknowledge the truth behind what was going on, at that point in her life.  This made me not only feel rejected, but it communicated the opposite of what was preached at home (being accountable and resolving our issues).  I started having suicidal thoughts and would play-out vivid fantasies of ending my life.  As the thoughts of suicide got worse, I ended up sharing with my parents.  I knew I needed emotional support, but it was something they we're unwilling to give at that time in their life - I believe they were in denial about the effects of their abuse.  I remember crying for so long, I felt like I completely drained myself of both my tears and emotions.  I struggled with violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol throughout my twenties.  I’ve tried many things (prescriptions, psychiatry, counselling, anger management); I’ve wanted nothing less than to lead a normal life.  I used to get so upset with myself, because I felt like I was unable to control my emotions and just 'get over everything' (I’d randomly break-out in tears; and often felt emotionally fragile and weak around dominant personalities).  I was constantly getting bullied/targeted at work (I suffer from extreme anxiety, which makes me come across as either weird or snooty).  I ended-up losing two jobs in a row and decided to take a year off and just write/focus on getting better. Within the last year I've rededicated my life to the Lord.  I've decided to fight the spirit behind depression and started opening-up about this illness. My dream has always been to write a novel, so I've decided to write a story about the struggles of depression.  I've started my journey of facing down the issues behind my emotional scars.

[Mares73]

Dear OG thank you for sharing your story. As someone who was also abused growing up I can relate to the trauma & devastating effects this can have on your life & sense of self. I have always struggled with low self esteem & doubting myself. Depression and anxiety is a lonely illness. As you mentioned anxiety can take so much from our lives. The eternal search for feeling happiness & connecting with people who relate to us & care. You have been down the many roads of seeking treatment. Are you currently taking antidepressants-it can take time to find the right one but if you do it can be an integral part of your road to recovery. Do you have any close friends or people in your life who understand & accept you for the very special person you are? I know you've decided to return to your faith. Can I suggest sometimes rather than struggling with our feelings it helps more to acknowledge & accept them & then ask yourself what can I do right now to help me manage how I'm feeling. Struggles are are first urge. Surfing the wave, knowing it will change can sometimes help. I too used to belong to a faith but was assaulted by a Priest & am currently going through the Royal Commission into abuse process. Faith is a personal thing, I don't pass jusgement-i just wonder if it's another for of wanting to be accepted by a group of people. Only you know the answer to that. You show strength & courage. You are a survivor. I hope you will stay with us as great understanding & many deep friendships are formed here. You will be accepted & cared for. If you want to consider seeing someone there is a list of GPS here that specialize . I can relate to so much of what you have expressed & the different journeys we take to cope in our search for feeling we are living rather than merely existing. It's an empty feeling living on autopilot not experiencing a sense of fulfillment. It's like we are observing ourselves rather than actively engaging with life. I maybe reaching the word limit. So I just want to thank you again for reaching out. You help others with your story as much as others hope to help you. I sense the caring, deep person that you are & hope to hear back from you. You will be in my thoughts today. Lve Mares (Mary) xxx

[ontarioguy35]

Thanks for your response and kind words Mares 🙂

~ "It's like we are observing ourselves rather than actively engaging with life."

That is exactly how I felt Mares.  I used to describe it as losing my 'lust for life', where I played a secondary role in my life's plot.  TBH, I've always had my faith, however, I came to a resolve that I was going to actually allow the Lord to work in my life, by surrendering all and being obedient.  The first thing I did was to go through my thoughts and stare-down each of my traumatic memories.  This was a really difficult and painful experience.  I was shocked at how much hurt and un-forgiveness there was under all my anger and resentment.  I was very raw and honest with how I remember feeling during these situations.  I gained a glimpse into how deep of an affect these events played on the way I thought and acted.  With the help of some spiritually mature friends, they prayed over me and I started going through my life and forgiving all the people that I held un-forgiveness towards.  I then asked for forgiveness for all the things that I did, that I felt required forgiveness.  It was difficult and at the time I thought it was silly, to be honest.  Around six months later I had an opportunity to talk with my parents.  Although it wasn't perfect, there was a lot of growth and I was able to express some of the events, how these events made me feel, and how they affected my confidence and emotional climate.  I was then able to say I forgive you to my parents and ask them for forgiveness for all the times I rebelled and lashed-out in anger.  It was like a bunch of walls came down and I'm happy to say that our relationship is growing and I feel very supported and loved by them.  I have a handful of close friends (my parents are now a part of this group) that know about my depression and anxiety and that I can be myself around, that have been nothing shy of an amazing support for me.  TBH I used to be so ashamed to mention that I was depressed or had anxiety.  Now I'm noticing, the more I mention it, the more certain people will open-up to me and tell me they either are or have dealt with deeper levels of depression.  I find it's much better now that I have people I can talk to.  I would love to talk more with you Mares.  I'm very proud to see the strength in your words and truly appreciate your acceptance and encouragement.  I'm running low on my word-count but will add more on a later reply

[Doolhof]

Hi OntarioGuy,

Thank you so much for posting here at BB and for sharing your story. I can so relate to a lot of what you have written. I did not suffer from race abuse, but due to our family not being related to everyone else in our small community, my sisters and I were picked on relentlessly.

My Mother had her own mental health issues that were not dealt with. As a child I certainly didn't understand her behaviour, now as an adult I have sympathy and love for a Mother who was broken and still is in many ways. 

In my depression I have felt abandoned, unloved, alone and wanting so much for life to be different. The funny thing is, that people were there for meal of the time, I just didn't realise it! Depression can do that to you! Like you mentioned, once you have the strength to tell others of your depression, you realise how much other people suffer too.

I too have a faith in God, and I know that my faith has saved me many times, knowing how much God loves me and cares for me is an amazing feeling. I know that Christianity or religion of any kind is not everyone's cup of tea, and we as people do seek help and comfort from all kinds of places and people. I am happy for you  that your faith is helping you to overcome the sadness of your past.

Forgiveness, that is a huge thing hey! I am so proud of you to ask your parents for forgiveness and to forgive them as well. I forgive a lot of people in my head and in my prayers, but not in person. I benefit so much from not holding a grudge or blaming others for how I am feeling.

I try to understand where my negative thoughts are coming from, look at them objectively and consider if there is much truth in them or not, and how can I change them. It isn't always easy but it certainly helps.

In some ways I am thankful for the hassles that have happened in my life, through them I have become a caring, understanding, concerned person, wanting to help and assist others when I can. It sounds like you too have a heart to listen to others when they mention their depression or anxiety. The world needs people who care for others.

May you find the peace and comfort you need to move on with your life. God bless,

From Mrs. Dools

[Jo3]

Hi Ontarioguy

Thank you for sharing your story on here.  I can relate to emotional abuse as my mum does this to me.  Also I was abused as a child and I remembered these traumatic events only 4 yrs ago at age 45.  

You know Ontarioguy, you are a survivor, you are here.  I too have faith in God but at the beginning I was angry with Him for what had happened to me as a child.

I wish I could forgive the abusers but I still can't, I can't even forgive my parents for not loving me or helping me or even understanding or wanting to understand.

 I hope you can stay on here and chat with us, take care

Jo

[ontarioguy35]

Thanks for your reply Mrs. Dools, I really appreciate, not on the support, but you sharing some of your life as well.

I've found that forgiveness was the key, by far (although I'd tried so many times to forgive in my thoughts, my gut or feelings felt contrary for the longest time).  I've found - much like you were saying about your mother's mental health issues - that many things we ingest and are hurt by, are actually a result of someone who has been hurt as well, and are allowing their hurt and frustration to manage their thoughts and actions.  It is so important to separate the person from their action (despise the action, or the spirit behind the action, not the person).  I've found I'm full of sympathy and love and pray for their healing.  This has really helped me (my depressed mind likes to hold on to any reason to prove that I'm un-loved, which is a lie.) 

Regarding being picked-on, especially in a small town, my heart really goes out to you.  I found for myself, when I was younger and beaming with confidence, friendships seemed to happen naturally.  It wasn't until long after the abuse kicked in that I found my emotions became more volatile and friendships became very difficult for me to start (I either acted-out for attention or pushed people away, or was abusive myself).  I've been learning, from talking with many friends I grew-up with (but wasn't overly close with) that so many people experienced bullying and cruelty to much deeper levels and longer levels than I had experienced.  I've found that now days, one of the things that really gives me sincere happiness, is just reaching out to those that seem like they're socially withdrawing.  Everyone deserves to be loved and feel respected 🙂

"In some ways I am thankful for the hassles that have happened in my life, through them I have become a caring, understanding, concerned person, wanting to help and assist others when I can."

I commend you for your perspective. I feel the same way.  Life is a journey, and a short one at that.  Our most valuable resource is love.  Depression has taught me to try to see the world through the eyes of others.  It has also taught me how could this world can be, so it's my pleasure to do my best to fight against this spirit of loneliness or isolation. 

Thanks again for the response and I look forward to talking with you more 🙂

[AGrace]

Hi OG, Mares, and Mrs Dools,

Firstly I wanted to say how moved and touched I was by reading your posts and replies.

I'm reading a book at the moment called "The Gifts of Imperfections". Among other things I suffer from perfectionism. I use the word suffer, because up until now I've only ever known the troubles perfectionism can cause. This book is opening my eyes up to the good, the bad, and the ugly of striving to be perfect in every thing I do. The main thing I've taken away from it so far is that there are many human qualities that people are attracted to when you aren't perfect in every way, but instead experience vulnerability. Like many others, I've always thought being vulnerable meant being weak, and yet I'm learning that it's all part of being human.

Why do I speak of this? Well, I guess because in showing true vulnerability there needs to be a level of self forgiveness. So I wanted to ask how much of your forgiveness is/has been directed toward others, and is this equal to the forgiveness that you show yourself?

A lot of what has been said here struck a chord with me. I've never viewed it in this light, but my father was unfaithful to my mother numerous times throughout my life, and I'm now wondering whether this was a form of Psychological abuse for me? As a child you don't necessarily see your father leaving your mother, you see your father leaving you, and this is what I saw every single time. It certainly made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I gather this is where the quest for perfectionism has stemmed from.

Despite my parents now being happily married to one another, I am still yet to offer forgiveness toward my father. So I have true admiration for the fact that the 3 of you value forgiveness so much, and have been able to show this even in adversity. So I'm also wondering, for those you have shown forgiveness toward, have they shown any sense of remorse? Or was this unimportant to you? I know that my father feels that he had no impact on us children, and I still struggle with the idea that in showing him forgiveness, I know he will not be apologetic. I hope one day, like the 3 of you I can value forgiveness toward him more than I value his remorse.

Thank you for getting me thinking about this.

AGrace

[ontarioguy35]

Hi Jo,
Thanks for the reply and I'd be more than honored to stick around here and chat 🙂

I honestly used to feel the same way about forgiveness.  It's really difficult to forgive people that have hurt you.  I remember an old friend, that was very cruel to me behind my back (he was like this to anyone that would allow him to be).  I remember he betrayed me with a girl I was getting to know and my initial thought was to get physical with him.  It was just a front though, to cover my hurt, so I decided to just be completely open and honest and well, as I explained how I felt, I began crying.  You would think that my tears would make me feel weak.  They didn't though.  I beleive that because I allowed myself to be vulnerable (I was a pretty aggressive guy at that point in my life) it was like his walls didn't rise.  Anyways, what he said to me has stuck with me to this day, and although the truth is hard to hear, it truly will set you free.  He said "I did this, because I know you'll forgive me."  Anyways, at that point in my life, although I was angry with him, those words sunk in and I just ended our friendship.  Until that point we'd argue or fight as these offences became habitual as we entered young adult-hood.  I found that I would get angry, vent, then after a while, I'd just forgive and we'd be 'friends' again.  After hearing these words it gave me the closure I needed to move on.  Basically, although his actions affirmed that he didn't respect me, it was almost as if I needed to actually hear him say that, to properly move forward.  Anyways, now days, I have so much that I want to do in my life.  I look back at my past and see a hurt young man running away from all the pain and rejection of his youth.  I could see how much un-forgiveness limited others that I knew, however, I still wasn't ready to let go.  It's been tough (I've actually ostracized myself for six months, while I took some 'me' time to record and analyze my scars and feelings), but once the forgiveness starts to settle in, it's like you see the people that hurt you, or with-held love as people who have their own demons and lies that they're grappling with (those who are full of love, love, you know).  Life is too short to allow their decision to not grow and mature to effect your growth and happiness.  I'm running low on my word count, but I'd love to chat with you and anything I've been through I'll share openly... It's now my gift to give 🙂 

[ontarioguy35]

Hi AGrace,

I've never heard of the book "The Gifts of Imperfections", however, I'll look for it at the library.  Thank you for recommending it 🙂

From my perspective, I'm definitely a perfectionist in some regards.  I used to be very insecure in relationships, and I found that I was always trying to 'control' as much of the way I was viewed, by maybe doing too much, or being too romantic for level of comfortability that was established.  When I was in it, I wouldn't have seen it this way though, I would have considered it nothing more than me doing my best to be 'the perfect' boyfriend that I desired to be.  Looking at it now - I've been celibate and single for over a year now - I can see the 'hot and cold' games that were being played.  I found, historically, when a woman would start to grow distant towards me, I would either do the same and let it fall apart or try harder to get her to see that I was indeed a great boyfriend.  Now days (and this is me just saying it, being that I'll have to test my theory when I get there 😉 ) I'd prefer to just be direct and communicate better.  I found when I was very depressed, it was like my intuition was heightened, however, I found it very difficult to talk about because I was afraid it would make me seem crazy (ie.  I can just sense that you're starting to drift away from me emotionally).  Now days, to be honest, I'm fine with anyone thinking I'm crazy or weird or whatever.  I know what I want, I know what I'm willing to give/sacrifice and I know my value.  I don't want to waste time any more so if someone else isn't at the maturity level where they can be honest about their insecurities and be vulnerable, their not the right person for me (the right person will protect my vulnerabilities and encourage me to strengthen my weakness or work on my insecurities - that's growth, right :-))  Either or, it's lonely, and I'm sure I get made fun of lots, but I'm fine with it.  Depression has taught me that I'm un-loveable, and I'm unwilling to believe that lie anymore.  Depression also tells me that there is no-one out there that will risk it all for love and leave themselves vulnerable.  I'll prove depression wrong, by being the change I desire to see 🙂  I've been writing about my battles with depression and I wish I could say it's easy, but it's really tough, but I can say though, with all honesty that it gets easier and easier.  I think I just went on a tangent here AGrace and wrote u a novel 🙂 

[ontarioguy35]

AGrace,
I'm sorry, I ranted (I do that) and I neglected to answer your initial question.
~"So I wanted to ask how much of your forgiveness is/has been directed toward others, and is this equal to the forgiveness that you show yourself?"
This is a very good question.  The majority of my bitterness was based off all the time I felt like I was wasting.  There were many things that I just couldn't over come and it made me so angry.  I was angry because I wasted so many nights/moments trying to figure-out why the person who was suppose to protect me and raise me seemed to hate me and reject me.  I couldn't overcome my insecurities and the harder I tried the more I became aware of the suffocating feeling of panic attacks.  AGrace, I've done so many 'silly/horrible/foolish' things in my life.  This left me feeling perpetually shameful for who I was becoming.  When I reclaimed my faith or personal relationship with God, I was reminded of the Garden of Eden and how Adam and Eve tried to 'hide their shame' from God.  Honestly, I started just confessing everything to people I trusted.  Some things were very difficult.  I had to see exactly who I'd become and leave nothing left in the closet.  Afterwards it was important for me to go through some of the major things I'd done and analyze exactly why I did them. It was hard (and embarrassing at times) but I started to forgive myself.  I started to comfort myself and forgive myself.  In a way it was like I was re-examining all that's happened and using a 'healthy' perspective to analyze things and leave them isolated to those events (my depressed mind likes to generalize).  Regarding your father, I can see how that would affect your views/opinions on trust.  I personally think that many times depression is generational, because as much as parents want to be honest, if their actions are based off lies, children pick these things up and naturally erect walls and strong-holds to protect themselves.  The sad reality is, sometimes by protecting yourself, you will push the right people away.  I've found some remorse in others, but most times, I think people repress things until they're ready to confront those things they're shameful of.  A few times I've been attacked with aggression from family members when talking about certain things. It wasn't until after prayer and feeling the Lord wanted me to go in, that the walls seemed to drop and the dialog began (with other Christians).  Prayer has really worked in my life 🙂