My parents staying in a toxic domestic violence relationship

[Cloudydays1]

I’m 35. I live away from my family. My parents have a very unhealthy, physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My mother is a hoarder with 2 households full of collected items. My father is an alcoholic. My siblings and I grew up in this toxic environment witnessing physical and verbs abuse, and are still being subjected to it. My parents fight and it escalates to physical violence. My mother calls us feeling unsafe but will not seek help or leave him. We have begged her but she ends the conversation with us and moves on like her situation isn’t that bad. They sweep it all under the rug and pretend like everything is fine. They are both miserable. 

I can’t accept them putting on an act anymore. They want to come and visit me to visit my kids but I do not want them in my home pretending like everything is okay. I feel so guilty because I want them to see their grandkids - they are their only happiness. I am also scared that me not allowing them to come will cause more fighting. 

I am feeling so depressed. How do you help someone who refuses to be helped and potentially cause more fights by demanding that they sort out there issues before visiting again. I feel physically sick about it - everyone around them who knows about this situation does too. Please help

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel this is a problem that needs an injection with a different perspective.

Your parent are very unlikely to change with their domestic behaviour. However, you suggest that such events are only carried out in their home, not your home. For this reason as long as your father is alcohol responsible (or zero consumed as a condition of yours) then I cant see why you dont allow them to visit. A safeguard is for them to visit only in the mornings for morning tea (perhaps lunch too) rather than for dinner when your dad is more likely to drink.

I'm afraid when your mother rings about your father abusing her the first thing I'd ask is- "have you rung the police". If not then kind say goodbye on the phone. If she was unsafe she would ring them. This cycle sounds dramatic but they have both tolerated each others behaviour for decades and remained together. Situation normal- for them.

You are feeling "sick" about the situation however your ability to take action is very limited and all it does is include you in matters that they have had for a long time, that spreads throughout the family.

I hope I've helped. Some people live miserably and remain together regardless, its their choice and your love and care is overflowing with frustration ... time to look after your own little family I think and allow the authorities to deal with it if either of them make that effort. 

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Cloudydays1

Your stress is completely understandable. I feel for you so much as you face some sense of guilt while also experiencing significant upset that's been going on for years.

It's amazing how much of a difference the word 'because' can make. 'I'm sick of the fighting' becomes 'I'm sick because of the fighting' or 'I'm sick of enabling' becomes 'I'm sick because of enabling'. Another way of looking at what's sickening is...it is dis-ease in some form, an intense lack of ease that can be felt in many different ways. 'I can feel this great dis-ease through my nervous system. I can feel it through the elevation of my heart rate/blood pressure. I can feel it through my muscles, in the way of tension. I can feel it in the way I brace myself'. Might sound a bit harsh but to be honest with your parents could involve you saying 'Your behaviour is making me sick and I don't want my dis-ease to turn into some form of physical disease (blood pressure issues, nervous system issues etc etc)'. Sounds even harsher but saying 'I no longer take responsibility for your behaviour' could be another way to go. 'I'll give you 3 choices. 1)Visit together when only on your best behaviour, 2)visit individually if you can't control yourselves or 3)don't visit at all. I don't want dis-ease being brought into my home for myself and my kids to feel because you both refuse to address obvious issues'. Of course, all easier said than done.

With the guilt factor, took me decades to reach the conclusion that guilt can be a positive thing. Personally, I'm a gal who relies on being able to sense or feel guilt because it always leads me to become more conscious. I like to see guilt as a signpost ahead of a fork in the road on my path in life. Guilt or that signpost is asking me to make a conscious choice when it comes to who I'm going to be. Am I going to be someone who chooses path A, the path of not wanting to upset people or am I going to be someone who chooses path B? Path B may be a tough one to choose, as it may involve conflict, stress, boundary setting, having to develop my intolerance (regarding what I shouldn't be tolerating) etc etc. It may mean having to let go of the habit of pleasing people around me. Guilt is just the signpost, the point of choice. The pain actually comes from a result of choosing the harder path. Hope that makes sense. When I feel a sense of guilt, I always question 'What is guilt asking me?' and the answer is always 'Who do I want or need to be?'. Do you want to be someone who now begins to set boundaries, someone who now begins to put rules in place, someone who refuses to tolerate the upset your parents lead you to feel? Without a doubt, sounds your choice of path will be a hard one either way. Finding someone to support you along it can involve finding the kind of guide you truly need, one who lights the way for you. Perhaps your new mantra could be 'With open arms, I welcome those who bring a sense of ease into my home, while bringing me the gift of joy'. People should want to bring us joy. ♥️