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My mom blames me
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Hello, my mom and I fight a lot and lately they have been getting worse and worse. One of them is where she said that I'm the reason for her and my entire family to have sleepless nights and that it's my fault for making my parents argue. She said that everytime I was mentioned, my dad would want to end the conversation leading to another fight making they're relationship worse. She has also said that I am the most problematic child and the biggest disappointment in her life. She said she was lucky that she has 2 perfect children and says it's my fault for making her life so terrible and stressful. I don't know what to say, only that I'm really sad.
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Welcome and thank you so much for joining our Beyond Blue community. We're so glad that you reached out to us tonight - it sounds really tough to be fighting so much with your mom lately. It must be really hurtful to hear words like that from her and we understadn that you are feeling so sad. Please know that we think you are really strong and we are so happy to have you as part of our online community. You don't have to sit alone with your feelings, we are all here to support you and hear what you are feeling and experiencing.
We would recommend that you speak to a counsellor and get as much support as you can in this situation. Some organisations we would suggest you get in contact with are:
. Headspace - https://headspace.org.au/
Headspace have lots of services for young people including counselling.
. Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 or https://kidshelpline.com.au/ (webchat is available)
Kids Helpline is available 24/7 to chat to you about what's happening.
Thanks again for joining the forums. Feel free to keep us updated on whats happening for you here.
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I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time with your mum. I just wanted to say that what your mum is saying is to do with her problems and it isn't a reflection on you as a person. I can't one hundred percent relate but my brother did say during an argument a couple of years ago that 'it would have been better if I wasn't born and that it wouldn't be such a bad thing'.That comment is still the worst thing anyone has ever said to me and it still stings from time to time.
I just wanted to say that it's not your fault that your mum's life is terrible, not at all. She seems to be dealing with her own issues and is deflecting the blame onto you. I'm also sorry to hear that you're feeling sad and that this is happening in the first place. I hope you get some support that can help you in the future.
John
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Good Morning Kirika M, and a warm welcome the forums and so pleased that you have contacted us.
How this has been handled by your mum is certainly not appropriate not only for the two of you but certainly not for yourself as it causes much hardship in so many areas.
I agree with John, your mum has major issues which need to be addressed and she can't blame you for the arguments she has with your dad, who may be protecting you from her comments.
No one can be perfect, we all make mistakes, where someone may not accept that you have done something wrong, but anyone who is against you will always find a problem no matter how much you try, so please don't blame yourself.
Can I ask if you have contacted Headspace and/or Kids Helpline, it could be helpful for us to know?
Take care.
Geoff.
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Hi Kirika M
As a mum, I can tell you it's easy being a parent when there are no challenges involved. Was having a conversation with my 17yo daughter just yesterday where she announced yet again 'I was a terrible kid'. I explained the truth to her: 'As a little kid, you were feisty, strong minded, somewhat demanding and pretty challenging and I'm so glad you have held onto those traits because these are the traits that make you amazing. They are what make you strong'. I explained to her that helping a child manage their nature is one of the guiding roles of a parent.The fault is often that which belongs to the parent - an inability to help their child discover the greatest version of them self.
It is our child's behaviour that challenges us to rise to greater consciousness. It challenges us to think outside the (comfortable) square we may have always lived our life inside of. It challenges us to be more patient, more committed, more unconditionally loving and more empathetic. The list goes on. We raise each other.
If your mum has appointed you to the role of 'Perfect and compliant', she's best facing disappointing such a role. It's unrealistic and will lead her to suffer. As we all know, no one's perfect. Your parents' fighting is not a fault of yours, sounds like there may be a fault in their communication: Maybe your mum's trying to work things out with your dad but your dad's letting her down, by not rising to the challenge that comes with constructive communication. Is he a 'I don't like conflict/stress' sort of person? If so, I imagine this sends your mum crazy at times.
While there may be areas in your life which require you to take greater responsibility, I'll suggest that it's not a fault in you as to why your mum stresses. If she was raised to see 'challenge' as 'stress' and not to see challenge as something we manage to rise to and consciously deal with, this fault (perception) has been instilled in her.
Kirika, it's incredibly hard to find the greatest version of yourself. There is a lot of trial and error in such self mastery. I've made a lot of poor judgement calls throughout my life, before now finding the me I am happy with. The opinions of others can often bring us down until we come to realise others' opinions may be riddled with faults which do not reflect the truth of who we are. The truth may simply be - We are gradually finding our way, the only way we know how. It pays to look to those who shed light for us in positive ways.
🙂
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Hello, I'm pretty sure my dad wasn't protecting me per say. Its more like he is very disappointed in me and doesn't want to hear more because his mood will get worse but my mom wants to rant about me and thats why they fight a lot. I've been thinking about calling or contacting them for a while but I think I'm just nervous about calling other people because I don't really know where to start or what to say, maybe its also about talking to people.
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Hi Kirka M, thanks for getting back to us, and by calling other people can be tricky but what you can do is contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 who are trained people but they dress up in casual clothes so this can breakdown the conversation to be a one on one talk.
What you can also do is write down how you are feeling and what happens on a piece of paper, then hand it over to the person you want to talk to, this will break down the barrier when they ask you, 'how can I help you', the document explains it all.
Take care.
Geoff.
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Can I start off by saying that it's not right that you feel like crap because your mum feels embarrassed and disappointed about your grades. Getting good grades in school doesn't correlate to being a good person.
If your mom has nothing positive to say about you then she's overlooking you as a person. She's focusing way too much on your grades and that's not right.
If her friends think she's a bad parent than they're not friends and if it affects your mum then again it is her problem. People like to compare who's kids are the "best". I wrote that in inverted commas because no one is perfect. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. You have your own strengths that your parents have failed to see.
Can I add something real quick as well. My mum is really bossy and demanding. She expects me to do everything and when I say no she gets upset and tries to make me feel guilty. II'm actually starting not to care because nothing is ever good enough for her. Nothing will ever be good enough. What I'm getting at is it seems like your mum and dad want in what their eyes is a perfect child. It doesn't exist. I wonder about some parents and the amount of trauma they cause their kids. Instead of bringing you down your mum and dad should be encouraging you and raising your mood, not deflate it where you feel like crap.
Another thing I've found out about my family is that they're not supporting when I'm going through a real rough patch but they congratulate me when I'm doing better. I would rather they're consistent and not congratulate me because it shows me how fake they are as people. What I'm getting at is that parents have certain expectations of their children. If those aren't met then the child is treated like crap. That is not okay and you're not at all responsible for that.
Both your mum and dad need to occupy their time a bit better instead of arguing all the time. Again, it's not your fault that your parents choose to argue, that's their fault.
They have some serious issues but I know for a fact you're not to blame for any of them. I feel really sad that you're going through all of this.
Please don't blame yourself for what's going on.
John
