My life sucks

[anonymousguy123]

First time poster, i did a random search for depression forums today because im feeling particularly low.

I'm a 35 y/o male who doesnt know who he is or how to interact with people and suffers from what I can only describe as crippling depression and anxiety. I maintain a somewhat healthy relationship with people at work due to my position but dont have any friends irl. All I do every single day is sit inside and dread social interactions. My mood changes, as I write this im starting to tear up but im not sure why, self pity maybe?

I have a history of depression and anxiety which seems to have gotten much worse this year, and is starting to affect my work and behaviours. I think people dont like me because I cannot commit to a social event or will bail last second, as the anxiety builds and worries start to creep in - unreliable and depressed, who would try to be friends with that? I've tried to work on myself but honestly I dont think i can change at this point as this has been ongoing since I was a child. Growing up in an abusive home etc etc all that fun stuff... Never realised how I was suffering up until about 19-20 with my first suicide attempt, after that it became a lot clearer to me.

After that came the drugs, anything I could get my hands on because I simply did not care. In truth I wanted to die for about a decade, drugs numbed that feeling and made it bearable and achievable at the same time. I put myself in countless dangerous situations because my rationale was "if something happens at least ill be dead". Drug use stopped at the same time I lost my social circle who were also addicted to many substances, had to cut them loose to stop the habit but ended up replacing it with another - self isolation. Now I hide away from the world in my room and lie to people irl telling them everythings ok when really it isnt. Unfortunately, to cope with the stress of this situation, i've once again returned to the only thing thats helped me feel anything, my old friend maryjane.

I'm quitting today and will be in for a couple of rollercoaster days, I can already feel the need for a bong as i write this.

I realise this isnt well written or anything, I just wanted someone to know what im going through since I have literally nobody to talk to. I hope you all get through your struggles

Cant think of anything else to write and i cant see the keyboard anymore so peace

[Sophie_M]

Hi anonymousguy123,

Thank you so much for so generously sharing some of your story with us here today. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. We want you to know you've come to a safe, non-judgmental place where members of our valued online forums community give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health, some of which we hope will resonate with you.

We think you have taken an enormous step reaching out for support here at the same time you attempt to wrangle with some unhealthy coping mechanisms. We hope the peer support you receive here will help you on this journey. It's important to remember to be kind with yourself and that the path to mental wellbeing isn't always a straight one.

While the support on offer here is often quick, it is not immediate. If you were after more immediate support, please reach out to the qualified mental health professionals at our Support Service who are available 24/7 with brief counselling, support and referrals by phone on 1300 22 4636, or by email (replies within 24 hours) or webchat between 1pm and midnight every day via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

You might also like to reach out to our friends at Counselling Online who offer free and confidential support to people across Australia affected by alcohol or other drug use. You can chat to them online or phone them on the number for your state or territory listed on their website here: https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/

Welcome to our valued online forums community. Please keep reaching out here whenever you feel llike it. We're here to give you as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there 🙂

Welcome, and glad you found us. This is a lovely forum of people who are all struggling a bit, and trying to make sense of where we're at, so you're in good company. I really resonate with what you've said, our timelines are very similar (although I'm around a decade older).

Wonder if you've ever sought professional help? It took me a long time, and the initial convo with my gp was pretty uncomfortable, but I'm glad I did. I work with a psychologist who gives me tools and strategies to cope with whatever is going on in my life, and help me understand my thinking.

Love to hear more from you. Katy

[Guest_1643]

hey anonymousguy,
Another 35 year old here 🙂

Weird age and stage, find myself tending to get a bit reflective over my life, and resonated with feeling antisocial and also turning to a substance/behaviour for comfort.

Reading your post I was reminded of this idea that although they can harm and hurt us, sometimes our addicitons try and keep us alive. The pain being too much so we find a way to cope. I'm glad you are alive, glad you are here, and hope once the addiction is no longer needed you can find meaning otherwise.
But sounds like you have survived through a lot with amazing strength.

[AliasKind]

Hi Anonymous 123, I empathise with your situation - loneliness is crippling and self-perpetuating, wanted to lend you my support and let you know as others have that your not alone. You seem to have a few things together though. Your interest in getting off 'maryjane' that takes fortitude and strength. How is that going?

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult life and more than a decade of hard times. Surely must be your turn for things to turn around for the better. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[anonymousguy123]

Thankyou for your kind words people, I'm sorry you have to deal with similar issues like mine.

Katy, I've tried a psychologist before and it was beneficial - he told me things aren't my fault etc which did help me to get out of that self blaming headspace however I feel that may have created more of a rift especially between myself and my sister. Calling my family out on their abuse has definitely caused her to view me as a problem or catalyst for them and honestly our personal relationship is almost non-existent so I guess I feel like continuing down that path will ultimately break that bond. I don't wish to lose her, but at the same time she doesn't acknowledge the abuse... I will look into councilling again, fingers crossed more issues don't arise.

Sleepy, I hear you mate. Life changes pretty quickly after 30 and you're right, substance abuse is my go to for dealing with situations out of my control. Funnily enough I find smoking increases my anxiety to the point its not even enjoyable, yet I still do it. Call it a familiar friend I've gotten used to. I've slipped up again and have continued smoking, albeit with a small break after I made this post. I'm going to try again today. Hope it all works out for you and you can win the fight against this absolute cword of a disease.

Alias, thankyou. As stated above I've been largely unsuccessful, I guess breaking a 15+ year habit is harder than I thought. I do enjoy the mental clarity around sobriety but that also leaves the door open for those negative thoughts again. It's strange how they seem to live just under the surface.

I hope each of you are able to succeed in your struggles, ill think back to this post when it gets hard again to remind myself I'm not alone. I think having perspective on seeing others issues in comparison to your own is important and could be part of healing.

Good luck everyone.

[Guest_1643]

hey anonymous guy

i feel like ur doing ur best.... i hope u can find ways to feel okay with where ur at... writing here and sharing is an enormous step.

yes life does change in ur 30s in weird ways.. everything feels more serious

Maybe it's a shame that we treat 20s as a time for experimentation and not growth... and then expect ppl at 30 to suddenly have it all together... neither is true.... 20s should also include thoughts about growth and reflection - and 30s isn't a magic recipe to just suddenly being an adult... we're all on our journeys throughout every age

Stay strong even if you had slip-up i'm sure ull get to where u want to be in the end.... i have faith in u

[M99]

Hi anonymousguy123,

Thanks for sharing your experiences and personal struggles thus far in life. To me you sound like an intelligent man who is self-aware of their emotions and the repercussions of their actions. For that you should commend yourself because that is something difficult to do and to acknowledge. In saying that, acknowledging and confronting all this can bring about a lot of pain and a few destructive behaviours to numb the pain.

You are strong to have overcome such situations as you have in life and even stronger to acknowledge and perceive it. Now I believe you are learning how to live and cope with that pain in a healthy manner as you continue. With the knowledge that you have gone through so much mental and emotional turmoil, you deserve happiness now. Do not beat yourself up too much for not being sociable or not attending social events for if you had the choice you would go. But in this case you are constrained by anxiety and depression, that is not your own doing. But it is the symptoms and manifestations of your condition.

You are not defined by your addictions nor your mental and emotional circumstances. You are more than that, and you deserve to give yourself love and healing.