My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it

[onlysez16]

Every day is different. Some days I am completely numb - I go about my day in a haze, doing what I need to, speaking when I'm spoken to, even laughing along with a joke, but mostly just floating along without knowing how I got here or what has been happening for the last 10 minutes. I automatically do what I'm meant to, and then go to sleep.

Other days life sucks. My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it, pressing against my ribs, trying to burst out. My arms and legs are restless like they are waiting for something to happen. I feel angry or sad or scared or all three at once, for no reason. I can't stand the sight of people but desperately want them to see me, be near me, but please don't touch me or I might scream or cry or break apart in to dust. I force myself to breath.

Then sometimes there are the days that don't stand out - everything is so light and easy that it isn't until the end of the day when I notice the absence of fear, pain, numbness. Those days don't come very often.

I saw a movie once where someone said that madness can often be a choice. You can choose to let yourself fall in to the abyss, or you can keep fighting it. I understand what that means now - it would be so so SO easy to just slip right down in to my mind, to cry and scream and throw things, to become hysterical and numb at the same time, to mutter and forget that the world carries on around you and you need to just keep up.

So I try to keep up. 

I've never seen a GP or counceller or psychologist. I've never been suicidal, though I do think about it sometimes. I don't want drugs and I don't think just talking about it to a stranger will make me better (yet here I am on the interwebs...)

This is just how my life is, and I don't know any different. 

But I do want to know if I am alone? I hope so, because it breaks my heart to think anyone else could feel this way.

~ Sez

[JessF]

Oh dear onlysez16, I dont want to break your heart, but no you are not alone. What great descriptions. I especially want to put my hand up for the hating the sight of people but not wanting to be alone at the same time. How long have you been feeling like this? Keeping this stuff to yourself is bad news, so I'm glad you've come on here. Going to see someone is a good idea. Things can be better than they are now.

[onlysez16]

Hi JessF - I don't remember a time when I wasn't like this. Maybe my brain is just wired differently? I've been thinking about talking to someone for a while, which is kind of how I found this forum, but I suppose I'm not really sure how it will change things. I think I would feel worse talking to someone with the expectation that it would help, and then it being no different. Maybe baby steps will take me to the point of speaking with someone, but in the meantime I just try to keep up with the world. I would gladly feel this way forever if it meant noone else would. ~ Sez

[Neil_1]

Hi Sez

 I echo Jess’s sentiments above … although my description of the thing inside my chest is more of a coiled spring that just gets tighter and tighter and won’t release.  But I fully understand your balloon option. I get the feelings often (of late) that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs or shout again, as loudly as I can … and actually sometimes in the car, I do this.  Does it give me a release, I don’t really think so, but I think I just do it so I can tell my inner brain that I did do it.  I know that hardly makes any sense at all, but, that’s just me.

And no matter what happens, the world does continue on;   tragic events can happen to you where you come to a shuddering halt and it pisses you off (actually, it pissed me off massively) that you’ve crashed down into a terrible low place and yet the world continues on, as it always does.  You just wanna scream out … everyone, stop what you’re doing and help me … support me, I’m broken and I need help.

It’s really great that you’ve taken this step to come to this site and put your post out there.  That’s a very positive move.  Can I please suggest that you next take another big stride forward and please contact your GP to discuss your feelings and your situation.  I’m also assuming here that your GP isn’t a stranger to you and so you’ll be “ok” to do this.

And now you’ve made this contact to here, I hope that as long as you feel ok and able to, that you’ll be back in contact with us again,

Kind regards

Neil

[onlysez16]

Hi Neil - well it's been a few days and those days have been hard. 

I've been angry and frustrated and overwhelmed, and alone. I've figured out I eat my feelings so that's something I'm trying to work on now. Maybe reclaiming my health through food will help reclaim my sanity. I'm also in a relationship which is very difficult sometimes - I am very much the adult out of the two of us, and that is really saying something. It's hard to have to keep myself together for all the practicalities of life, but all I want to do is fall apart. 

Sometimes the only thing forcing me to keep it together is the realisation of just how much harder it will be to claw myself back - it's easier to keep up now than it would be later. 

And you're right - I am pissed off with the world for continuing to spin while I'm wobbling on my own axis. But I also understand I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Maybe my purpose is just to prove that I can survive this.

I used to think about talking to my GP, but I'm not convinced GPs are equipped to properly help with mental health issues, and I have recently moved states so I don't have a GP at the moment. Maybe I'll see a councellor or something instead. 

In the meantime I'll haunt these forums. It's a perverse relief to know that others know what it's like, though I wish that wasn't the case. Maybe we are all just too soft and well-off now. Maybe I should start living hard on a farm like they did back in the day - maybe life seemed so much more glorious then.

~ Sez

[Neil_1]

Hi Sez;

I don't know about living how they did back in the day;  my Dad had to do that, and I grew up on his farm, and I saw the "old house" where Dad and his brothers had to grow up.  It would have been extremely tough times ... and depression would have been around in those times as well.  The answer in those days:  "Keep your chin up, what have you got to be sad about?"

I however would love a little block of land right now;  with a stack of chooks to look after;  perhaps some alpaca's or goats, and of course a couple of horses for me and my daughter ... to have animals to tend and look after.  And to get away from people .. yeah, that'd be good.

Sez, ok, so you've said you've moved states and now don't have a GP.  Can i please suggest if you could do a search on this site for GP's ... cause the ones who are linked on this site are fully versed in dealing with mental health issues;  and from that, they 'may' be able to suggest a suitable psychologist for you.  Only suggestions Sez, but it might be worthwhile.

It is good that you're back here Sez, but not good to hear that the last few days haven't been good.  I hope something from this post has been helpful to you and I hope you can post back again, whenever you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[onlysez16]

Wow 2 months gone. Time to check in.

Things are hard, as I suppose they are always going to be, but the past week has been harder. I've come to realise that my relationship may not be something that I can continue with forever afterall... and I don't know what to do about that. I'm heartbroken that this person I love so much just is not in the game with me. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about just shutting down. Quitting my job, leaving my partner and my dogs and my house and all my stuff, going to my brother's or my dad's: the only 2 places in the whole world where I could just show up and claim a room. I'd just lock myself away and sit. Do nothing. Think of noone else, forget about the world and it's expectations and responsibilities and it's difficulties. I wonder how long it would be before someone knocks on the door, and who it would be. I'm terrified that the answer will be never and noone.

As much as I know I probably should, I can't bring myself to see a doctor or anything yet. I simply can't. 

So, as always, I just continue on, dreading the morning, and trying to remember to breath. Things will improve. They must.

~ Sez

[homer_thompson]

Love your attitude.. living hard is my self-prescription also. I know it works because I've never met a depressed caveman.  

I admire your strength of will. I too feel that the true solutions lie somewhere other than medicine. I'm glad you posted here and I hope that the person who finally opens your door is a more happy and confident you. You certainly deserve kindness, hope and love.. don't be afraid to give yourself a bit.

Good luck in your future trevails. They will end and you'll pull through.

[Neil_1]

Hi Sez;

Welcome back – very nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry to hear that things are and have been tough for you for a while now AND that things just seem to be getting harder. 

Is there “no-one” you could possibly talk too regarding a number of the things you’ve raised – particularly with your relationship?  It’s clear that you do love this person very much and that’s a huge positive and something to definitely hang on to and not let go.  Do they know exactly how you are feeling?  Is it not possible to sit them down and talk to them about it – perhaps not give them the full package of details just yet, but to give like an ‘opener’ or ‘entrée’ account of how you are?

To me it’s clear that you are battling this all on your own – I believe there might be ways for you to seek extra support, but only you can do that and by reading your post it appears that you’re not ready to do this just yet.  I hope that feeling changes for you soon, because I believe that a massive weight will be lifted from your shoulders if you can seek out extra support.  Please give this some serious consideration.

Your thoughts about shutting down and everything that would occur from that really concerns and worries me.  May I please ask with where you’re currently living, do you not have a room there?  Only ask this because you mentioned your brother’s place or your dad’s place being the only place where you’d be able to “claim a room”. 

 I also believe that if you did do that, all the issues and troubles that you currently have would only build and become bigger and nastier for you – as that would be all you’d be doing, just focussing on your issues and at the same time, not really being able to address them. 

Again, please think deeply about this – those things that you have mentioned leaving behind are massive things in your life right now:  a job (and not everyone out there does have a job and to just up and leave, I’m gathering that would not look too flash on your future resume’s), your partner (the person who you love so much – that would rip at you massively if you left), your dogs (I hold animals, pets and especially dogs in extremely high regard – as they can really lift you when you’re feeling low, and they do so much for you that you don’t realise – you take them out for walks, so you’re getting exercise.  They do rely on their owner for feed, water and in return they provide unbridled companionship and are always happy to see you and don’t judge you and if you’re feeling down, they DO notice and they cling by close to you, trying their best to cheer you up).

Please Sez, I do hope you can get back to us and again, great to hear from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Avex88]

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that I see a lot of myself in you and it made me feel a little bit good? or relieved? or at least a tiny bit comforted that I am not alone. I wonder how many people secretly feel like this? I feel like there is no one in my world that I could talk to that can relate, but then again, I probably hide it well enough that people wouldn't be sure, so maybe others do too. I don't know. Your not alone. Keep talking. You never know, it might help.