Lockdown is really getting the better of me..

[TysDR]

At the very beginning of the year my ex had left me ( cheated on me ) and I was really struggling mentally. I’ve always had anxiety but this had made it a thousand times worse. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drink or even be in the room/bed we shared together. I found myself sleeping on my friends couch most nights.

I eventually moved in with said friend because I couldn’t deal being in that place anymore, I had to get away from everything that reminded me of her.

Since then lockdown has happened, ive been unemployed, haven’t seen my parents or brothers. I’ve sat alone everyday with my own thoughts basically eating me away.
I constantly wake up in panic thinking about death, that I’m dying or that something is wrong and I don’t know why.

I know most people are struggling with lockdown right now but not seeing my parents and my brothers is really getting to me.

Everyday I just feel this big wave of sadness over me and the second I feel some sort of happiness that wave comes back crashing my thoughts.

I’ve had really deep and dark thoughts about my life that I wouldn’t dare tell anybody that I know because I wouldn’t want to worry them. I scare myself sometimes and it makes me physically ill.

I had a job lined up that I was hoping would get me out of here to take my mind off things but I wasn’t able to get it because I needed my FL license and wasn’t able to get it without a “ work permit “ because of lockdown.

I can’t go out and do things to distract myself, I can’t see my family and I just don’t know what to do at this point.
I feel like life is just passing by and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore.

im currently writing this at 6:20 am with 0 hours sleep, I’ve been laying in bed staring at my ceiling tossing and turning for majority of the night.
I eat 1 meal a day if I’m lucky and barely leave my room.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi TysDr,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.

[therising]

Hi TysDR

I feel so deeply for you as you struggle greatly with some of the insane and highly destructive rules of lock down, especially while feeling the pain of your break up at the same time.

If there's one significant thing I've learned about lock down (I'm a Melbourne gal), it tells us who we are and who we are not.

'Lock down is really getting the better of me' is something which truly hits the nail on the head. If the better of you or the best in you is 'Someone who thrives on social interaction', lock down calls for us to suppress this sense of self. If the better of you or the best in you is 'Someone who cannot tolerate a lack of adventure', you'll feel the lack of adventure so deeply. While adventuring is about adding ventures to life, the repetition of the same old stuff day after day is so destructive to such a nature. From my experience, you can feel your own self destruction. I know it sounds a little depressing but it's like you can feel your natural self kind of disintegrating. It's taken me months to reach this conclusion, while analysing how to stay out of depression. Personally, I cannot fault someone who's carefully broken certain lock down rules in order to save their own life. If that's what it takes to stay alive, in my opinion it must be done.

I believe, the question comes down to 'How much are we willing to tolerate, when it comes to suppressing the best in our self or what naturally works for us?' While Melbournians come 2nd on the list of the greatest number of lock down days globally, the rest of the world cannot help but wonder how we could possibly be surviving. The answer is, I believe, 'Many of us are barely surviving because this is no way to live'.

If you hold the ability to sense suppression, oppression and depression, you will feel all 3 so easily. The ability to sense (be sensitive) comes with great challenges at times.

How would you stop the best in you from 'dying off'? Perhaps the rebel in you holds the answer.

🙂

[Athenry]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I have no suggestions or anything but I just wanted you to know I read your words and hope that the tide turns for you soon.

[Calbue]

Hi therisising,

I read your comment and just had to comment back to say your words are really impactful.

This lockdown has been going on for a long time now, and even though I understand why we need it is still tough to handle. I was one of those who loved lockdown in the beginning because I was an introvert, and thought all this extra time that I would’ve spent on commuting, waiting in between classes, traffic etc. could now be spent on doing the things I love. But I’ve come to realise that too much of anything can make you sick. Even the good stuff. I found myself spiralling, with all the time I now had. And I realised, that I was so consumed with work, and my uni education that I realised that I didn’t have the time to figure out what my hobbies are, or what I liked to do. I thought I was able to go through this lockdown with no problem, but I was wrong.

So I don’t think you should fault yourself or beat yourself up for falling into the waves of sadness. Even those who had a good mental health have been struggling during this lockdown. Take me for example. You say you feel like life is passing by and that you don’t know how to cope with it anymore. I’m sorry. I think a lot of people feel like this too. We’re all stuck inside, and, without the funds, we can’t do a lot of things that could bring us joy. I was always envious of those who could just simply buy home kits to do at home. I don’t have much money and before we had COVID disaster payments I had basically lost my job and was relying on my savings to get by. It was not a fun time. It still isn’t.

Not being able to see your parents is tough. Social interaction is what makes us feel good. It reminds us of the connection we have with this world. Even with technology on our side, I think us humans need each other more than ever and not just on a screen. I agree with therising. TysDR, I don’t think many people will fault someone who carefully breaks lockdown rules in order to save their own life. I agree that we can feel your own self destruction. Sometimes, we know what we need and when we need it.

But in tough times, I think it’s worth reminding yourself this is only a chapter and not the whole story. The happiest you’ve ever been won’t be the happiest you’ll ever be. The warmth of summer is made all the more sweeter by chill of winter. And the moon’s light is lovely because it is soft and graceful compared to the brilliance of the day.

[Succulent Queen]

Hi TysDR,

You're exactly right in naming heartbreak as sickening. Particularly when you've been cheated on. Time will take that away. Distract yourself and let other people distract you, it really helps. Maybe you'll have unwanted moments here, or there, but you will return to yourself and be ok. You really will be ok.

As for this shit lockdown, by the end of October vaccination rates will be at 70% and we'll be out of this permanemtly. Not long to go, and yes, break the rules if it will save your sanity or even your life.

As John Lennon said, Whatever gets you through the night, its alright.