Kind of scary

[Antelope9]

So after many years of struggling with depression, I have found some sort of respite in a mental health team that over 2 years have given me some sort of explanation for the strange highs and lows of my life. I’m glad they took the time for me. As a Psychology graduate, I insisted on a thought out diagnosis from at least 2 sources.

Bipolar type 2 (no surprise)

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Amongst my peers and family dynamics, who have always described me as ‘resilient’, It has come to a point recently that I could not deny that I cannot cope.
I could not front up and keep being the person who has generally, helped everybody else. So when I needed help, the resources where exhausted.

I have joined this forum, as suggested by a patient team of said professionals, in the hope that I can find some people who understand what it means to be exhausted. How it feels to feel so absolutely alone, and sometimes really afraid. That sometimes you can have a veneer of strength and yet be on the verge of suicide.
And when you tell someone, it does not make sense.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Antelope9

I spotted your comments on a related post and thought I'd check in to let you know you have been heard. Forums are a great place to find support from like minded individuals (as you have done yourself) and I hope you find many thoughts and ideas to give you some perspective on what you have already assessed.

Sorry to hear of your trials, and I noted your comments in relation to the bearing your parents had in your present state of mind. I'd be happy to hear your views (I have parents too!) and discuss issues as they arise.

As you pointed out, the best help will be from those nearest your situation - they will follow, I am sure, to offer their support and personal experiences.

Regards,

t.

[Antelope9]

Thank you so much firstly, for saying that I have been heard. That is generally something that does not get said amongst the many people I know that say they understand-or seek to understand (not faulting them) but can not begin to understand the turmoil of my mental state.

I mostly want thoughts and ideas to navigate a way forward, and I suspect some perspective on this forum will help me a lot. Your reply alone has given me some hope.

There have been trials. I repeatedly try not to despise my parents, although they remain my greatest stressors, hence BPD. I often feel responsible for my parents, now in their 70's, I am still feeling responsible for their feelings whilst I am going through this crisis of my own. I seek not to blame them, but be allowed to vent my frustration as to how they have impacted my life, and how I can not seem to separate from feeling responsible for them and sort of trying to parent myself at 36 years old.

I sort of feel like I have lost my life in a way. I lost myself during my 20s and in my 30s I have gotten completely lost. Scene change, above all I mostly want to be mum and I am feeling like already as if I have lost that opportunity and it is a really hard heartbreak to face. This is what upsets me the most.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Antelope9,

Yes, sorry I couldn't definitively say I understand - perhaps I'll get some idea from your posts.

I think you are wise not to confront your parents over their past choices and behaviours - what would it achieve other than hurt on both sides? This is a good place to vent and I am sure you will feel better releasing the pressure valve too.

I found a useful technique for me was to place my irritations onto paper and leave it there for me to read later - gee, I had a laugh at how silly I sounded a few days later, and how, with a clearer mind, things can be put in perspective.

There is more to be discussed, but I just want to break the ice with this.

Regards,

t.

[ecomama]

Dear Antelope9

I also hear you. I'm very pleased to "meet" you lol.

Congratulations on your psych degree btw!

How are you feeling since being diagnosed?

You've shared that you care for your elderly parents, have they also got other forms of support from you? I HOPE SO! This should not be all on your shoulders and the BB Helpline can put you in touch with supports for them. They did for me re: my mother. (Back story I've been NC with mother for decades but she needed support this year. I'm still NC).

I wonder if you've been introduced to the works of Brene Brown?
She is pretty freaking amazing and has really helped me alot this year.
She is a shame, vulnerability, empathy and courage researcher.
Her discoveries are quite profound - for me anyway.
She has a brilliant Netflix special.
She also has so many online clips that help inform a person of her research.

I have 2 of her books and they are both incredible.
I hope to purchase the rest this year lol.

I'm sorry you feel like motherhood is not going to happen for you.... is this something you want to talk about more?

Please pop back and let us know how you're doing.

EM xx

[Antelope9]

Just to be clear, I was not saying you personallly (or anyone amongst this forum) do not understand, just some friends & peers in my life that do not really know what it is like to live with bipolar, which has perfectly been depicted in a TED talk, that you can get if you google Laura Bain. 

I really do thank you and appreciate you for your response!

A pressure valve is a great analogy for how I have been feeling. And no, I do not feel it's helpful to rage at anyone, and then I get stuck in this place position of being passive I guess- and then I get angry.

I have never liked journaling as such, but I do love to write songs, and there is generally a flow of creative ideas and lyrics/tunes when I cannot sleep.

Ecoma

I have tried my best to get my parents some support. Dad is totally in denial, mum is sort of in therapy but I guess relies on me as I am her youngest daughter and apparently the most stable (yikes!).

Brene Brown has probably one of my favourite TED talk ever which you can google her work on Youtube. 

I love her research, and her very candid approach to, well everything! It was one of the reasons I went on to study Pschology, along with Helen Fisher, that you can also get her work from Youtube. 

I would really like to talk more about my pains around not being a mum (maybe, yet?).

Thank you again for being in touch.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Antelope,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out. We can hear how lonely and overwhelmed your feeling, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space. We hope you find the peer support, advice and conversation our wonderful online forums community is able to provide helpful.  
 
You might also be interested in reading information on the following Beyond Blue pages:
 
"Staying well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well
 
"Self harm and self injury" -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...
 
“Loneliness” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/loneliness-the-public-health-issue-we-sh...
 
We hope that you keep checking back in with our community to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Antelope9,

"Just to be clear, I was not saying you personally" - No worries, the thought never even crossed my mind.

"...never liked journaling as such, but I do love to write songs" - Whichever way works for you to not bottle everything up is the way to go. Song writing sounds brilliant as it delves into your feelings on multiple levels. I hope it doesn't leave you feeling emotionally drained, however.

Do you also have some physical outlets to burn off a few of those frustrations? I found whacking a tennis ball around a court of hapless opponents really calmed my mind (and equally humbled it when replied in turn!).

Can you elaborate on why you feel 'responsible' for your parents?

I can see that you and EM will have much to share... hope you find much benefit from your common sources.

Regards,

t.