Hi Fight or Flight
I feel so much for you as you face so many emotions and such ongoing challenges. I'm glad you've given yourself the freedom to come here and express yourself. I hope you can come to change the word 'complaining' to 'venting'. None of us are designed to be human pressure cookers, holding so much in.
Can recall having a chat with my daughter some time ago where I expressed to her my confusion as to why I was feeling both anxious and depressed for no obvious reason. By the way, with a history of depression up until some years ago, whenever I begin to feel the feelings that come with depression I work hard to figure out why I'm feeling this way so I can work my way out of it asap. Not always easy. As I say, on this occasion I just couldn't put my finger on it. She mentioned to me the 3 stages of stress or something known as General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). She pointed to the 3rd stage, leading me to say 'That's exactly how I feel'. The 3rd stage is about exhaustion, anxiety (including being triggered by even the smallest of stressors coming in), depression, hopelessness etc. Being able to relate to this gave me a sense of relief. Knowing that we're not designed to cope with ongoing stress points to the fact it's not our fault we feel the way we do when it the state of pure exhaustion. It's not a fault, it's a reflection of serious ongoing hard work, work that just won't provide a break. Whether the 3rd stage of GAS is what you're experiencing, thought I'd just throw it out there in the hope that it makes some constructive difference to you when it comes to the way forward. Could be worth a bit of research.
Being a mind/body/spirit kind of gal, I like to look at things from 3 different perspectives - how we tick psychologically, biologically and naturally. Mentally, internal dialogue can become brutal, depressing and exhausting. Physically, the unromantic version of who we are is 'A big bag of chemistry, cells, complex energy systems and more'. Ongoing high cortisol levels can really throw things out. Naturally, our mind and body are highly interactive. Also, we function on energy, something quantum physicists acknowledge. If energy levels are low or exhausted, it's hard to feel much of anything. While we don't expect a flat battery to be functional, we expect our self to be functional with next to no charge.
How to recharge in new ways, under the circumstances, could involve some research. Can you take some time off work for a period?
