Im tired of fighting my mind

A_Bit_Of_A_Pickle · ‎09-09-2021

I've had anxiety for years, and had the occasional bout of depression because of it. Had gotten a lot better. I was able to live my life. I moved overseas started a career as an esl teacher and everything was great. I thought I was great. Then corona hit and I wasn't able to visit home so I decided to come back for a year to see my family. I feel like this was the worst decision of my life. I was alright for about 2 months and then I was hit with a big wave of depression and anxiety and I am SCARED. I don't want to fight this again. It's now been 6 months since I was back and I am tired of fighting every Demon in my mind. It feels like I've achieved nothing. All these negative thoughts keep running through my mind. Telling me I'm a loser. I'm old. I'm worthless. I have no real career. I've never been loved. I've never been in love. Never had relationship. Almost 29. Only ever had one stable job. Lazy. Unmotivated. A freak. Ugly. Incompetent. Unless. Nobody wants me around. A burden. A virgin. Almost no friends. No money. No super annumation. Will die alone. These thoughts are almost constant and I fight them. I really do. I tell myself I'm awesome. I have friends (the only 2 I talk to regularly live far away) who think I'm amazing. My family loves me. My dog is dying. I feel like I have nothing. I recently started a job, but it was extremely stressful and the people were awful to me so I quit yesterday. I've thought about doing more study and I want to go back overseas but I'm scared that I will get stuck back in this depression and won't be able to get back out. I went to my doctor as soon as I've felt this way, but it has been 3 months and my appointment with a psych is still 2 weeks away. I'm so lost and angry that this is my life. I'm so angry that depression and anxiety has robbed me of so many experiences and I can't help think it's all my fault. Please tell me I'm not the only one. I can't fight this by myself anymore. It is eating me alive. I'm scared that I'll become suicidal. But I want to live. I want to live so bad. I just don't know how. How do regular people do it? Everything is an effort and im TIRED.

Fearless7 · ‎09-09-2021

Dear Bit of a Pickle, My heart ached reading your post. Our self talk can be so damaging. When I read your post I though wow how awesome that you've lived abroad and worked. That must have been great and so brave to take that step. I can relate to you saying you are sick of fighting with your own mind. It can be so exhausting each day trying to settle your mind and cope with the anxiety. You are not the only one - it's good you are reaching out. I'm not sure if anyone really knows how to live. We are given this script when we are growing up about education-career-relationship-marriage-house-family-retirement etc etc. Then if we do not attain these things we feel less or failures - don't go down this rabbit hole. Living is a one day at a time thing. Be gentle with yourself. You are worthy. Good luck - you are stronger than you know.

Sophie_M · ‎09-09-2021

Hi A Bit Of A Pickle,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. It sounds like you’re managing many different feelings and emotions right now which must be very overwhelming. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’re going through right now.

It's good that you're questioning the harshly critical thoughts you've been having, and really good that you’re seeing a psychologist soon. Sorry you had to wait so long. Remember you can always call our support line to talk this through, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat (11am-12am AEDT each day).

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We hope Fearless7’s words are comforting to you. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. Do keep sharing, if you feel comfortable to do so.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Sophia16 · ‎09-09-2021

Hey,

I feel really sad reading what you have written and I cannot express how sorry I am.

Firstly, 29 is not old at all. You are still so young and can achieve so much! People find their soulmates at age 70+.

Remember this is all just temporary. Once this lockdown is over, everything will change. We have so much uncertainty about this pandemic but please have hope.

I know that all you can think are negative thoughts and it is so difficult to think positive ones but here are a few ways that you can achieve a positive mindset, you need to train your brain. so be consistent-

1. Focus on the small good things

2. Write a journal with all the things you are grateful for.

3. When you wake up in the morning, say something you are excited about.

4. turn your failures into lessons. No one is perfect.

5. Connect with others who make you feel good about yourself.

6. Eating, drinking healthy and engage in activities that make you feel good.

These may not work, but try and do what works for you.

I really hope you are okay and doing well. Please stay safe, we are all here to support you.

Petal22 · ‎09-09-2021

Hi A Bit Of A Pickle,

Wellcome to our forums! I’m so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s a very scary place to be!

Please try to understand these thoughts are just that….. thoughts….. it’s not you it’s your mind generating these thoughts due to your anxiety and depression… anxiety and depression are usually accompanied by horrible negative distressing thoughts…..

I highly recommend you try meditation it will teach you that you are not your thoughts but the observer of your thoughts… it takes practice but once you get the hang of it you can actually sit back and watch what your mind is doing and not get caught up in it……. It really is an amazing practice.. look for a guided meditation on your phone….. one for learning to watch your thoughts…… do this practice every day… you will get the hang of it…….. I credit meditation for getting me over the line for recovering from my condition… I had severe anxiety OCD….. this condition was debilitating….. I experienced all of the repetitive negative thoughts… I also had horrible dark distressing intrusive thoughts that were on repeat they were horrible….. they really scared me!

The best thing to do with these thoughts is to just let them be there….. the more attention we give to a thought the more it comes back…. What we give attention to we give power to….

Try to practice mindfulness….. put your attention on the present moment and not on what’s going on inside your head….

When these thoughts are loud get up and move into a different room just moving into a different room will put your attention on other things

Talk to people just being with people helps

Anxiety is exhausting but you can recover from this …….. I have recovered from severe anxiety OCD thanks to health professionals if I can recover these hope that you can too…. I’ve been recovered for 4 years going strong.

I understand you are waiting to see a psychologist…… that’s great you are seeing one…… if you are feeling distressed please go back to your gp and let them know……. When I was going through severe anxiety OCD my gp put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety….

I understand anxiety try’s to rob us of things….. try not to let it….keep doing things with your anxiety …your stronger than you think.. you can rise above anxiety..

Im here to chat please chat to me any time….. you will get through this.. there is light at the end of the tunnel… I’m living proof of this 😊❤️🙏

therising · ‎09-09-2021

Hi A Bit Of A Pickle

It's such an incredible challenge, to be such a deeply feeling person. While dollops of progress and inspiration here and there feel amazing, it's the down feelings that really mess with us.

When you can feel your thoughts, feel other people's pain and stress, feel degrading attitudes towards you, feel the global impact of COVID etc, that's heck of a lot of feeling. No wonder you're exhausted. To feel brutal self questioning can definitely become depressing.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who was taught how to constructively question themself from a young age or anyone who was led to fully understand both the pros and cons of feeling their way through life or how to master this ability (of feeling). Based on this, how can it be your fault for not knowing/understanding something you were never taught. This is something I've come to realise myself. Easier said than done but praise yourself for working so hard to evolve without a lot of guidance to make it easier.

Lock down, hmm. As I said to someone just the other day, I have nothing against constructive lock downs but I do have an issue with destructive ones. To repetatively suppress the longing to access activities that normally vibe us up is mind altering, when suppression's long term. To feel oppression over such a long period is also mind altering. The longer the suppression and oppression go on, the greater the potential for depression. Being in Melbourne (6th lock down), this only came to mind a few days ago. Up until then, I felt like I was losing my mind. While I left depression behind me some years ago, I could feel myself slipping back in. It's taken months of questioning why, with some absolutely brutal internal dialogue thrown into the mix. There is so much time to think.

With that internal dialogue, I can't help but think of that old idea of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Sometimes is seems like the angel's on mute and you can feel so deeply everything the other says. It can be so hard to ignore the harmful words that come to mind, in favour of opening the mind to that which offers inspiration. When I find a moment's peace, what comes to mind is that which I wish to share with you - You are in an enormous mind altering life changing challenge, one that's so very far from easy.

While the lies/dialogue that comes to mind (to be filtered out) can prove cruel, it's this cruel nature that dictates you're yet to find the truth, something to be felt.

NotYetEffulgent · ‎11-09-2021

Hi A Bit Of A Pickle,

I’m sorry to read of your dog’s condition. On top of everything else, that’s really rough! I wanted to say you’re not the only one. What you’ve written resonated a lot with me, in particular the feelings you expressed and I’ve seen many posts on here with similar views. I’m not far off you at 28 and I also feel like an old failure for my age right now.

I think it’s really cool that you were an ESL teacher overseas. Teachers are so important! I hope you get the chance to engage with that or a similar amazing experience again. Since just before Covid, I’ve been trying to start my own tutoring business helping those like myself with dyslexia, but Covid times have knocked my life from coping to not coping.

I don’t have any friends anymore. Before everything I felt okay to go to a few meetups and mill with other people, but now I feel too much anxiety. Feelings similar to your own where I feel angry, scared, lonely, worthless etc. Like you I am also broke with very little super, but on the positive at least I’m not in debt. I’ve wasted a ton of money on failed business decisions, including 9,000 undelivered flyers which have been rendered worthless because of a re-branding decision. I have trouble forgiving myself for these poor decisions.

I wish I hadn’t gotten into my previous and only relationship, which was very toxic and has left me feeling very insecure and unsure about myself. I believe a relationship isn’t a key to happiness on its own, all you have to do is trawl through the relationships section of this forum to find that. So, there’s nothing wrong with being single or a virgin, but I can sympathise with where you’re coming from.

Recently I watched Tim Minchin’s 9 life lessons university address and found it really inspirational. I definitely recommend it! One thing that stood out to me was the idea of being micro ambitious. I’ve started trying to find one thing each week to achieve that improves my situation. I think the other members’ suggestions are really good as well. Journaling, meditation, exercise, cooking etc.

Nevergoodenough · ‎17-09-2021

I'm so sorry Pickle that you're being consumed by anxiety and depression...it's the worst feeling in the world. I have lived with this for most of my life and I'm 57. I also really understand how you feel and particularly your comments about how angry you are that depression/anxiety has robbed you of your life. I'm the exact same way and also blame myself and think if I had been a stronger person I could have taken control and stopped these monsters inside my head but I couldn't. If I had been able to do this I reason that my life would have been much better because I wouldn't spend most waking hours hating myself for my weakness and being insanely jealous of people with friends, a social circle and a relaxed attitude to life.

I hope you get some more clarity when you see your psych in 2 weeks. If you don't feel comfortable with her/him, find another if possible because if you don't click, in my experience you won't get too far. I'm so sorry you're hurting Pickle. I wish I had the answer for you because I (and many on these forums) need it too.. Good luck.