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I Need To Get This Off My Chest

redtornado
Community Member

I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety due to substance use.

When I was younger, I had no friends. I was always the outsider.

It wasn’t until year 11 and 12 that I actually gained friends and oh boy was it the best.

Fast forward a few years and I’m working in a call centre surrounded by people my age. I got along well with and adapted their lifestyle.

I spent thousands of dollars on PC parts,  and substances to just be like them. But I was never that valued in the group instead I was the loser of the group with them trolling and making fun of me online.

Couple of years ago the company I worked for went under and my close friends and I went our seperate ways.

I tried to keep in contact with them but I get pushed around alot with declines to events, not getting invited to events and lately a wedding where all my friends were invited except me.

My family on the other hand broke apart when I was 16. I feel like I lost everyone then. Dad was cheating and an alcohol, mum was an alcoholic and my brother has ADD so you get the picture.

I’ve always been a people pleaser and lied my way through life so people hear what they want to hear but deep down im sad, depressed, have no confidence and am unhealthy.

A few weeks back a colleague took her life. She and I had similar symptoms of depression and anxiety especially being a people pleaser.

I was always against suicide but after she died life went on.

Since this happened I can’t shake the idea of suicide out of my head.

Instead I take substances to keep my mind off it. But what happens when I get intoxicated is my mind races, I can’t sleep and I feel worse than before.

I feel burnt out and I feel like I need a break or some proper help.

So I stopped drinking 2 months ago and (but relapsed last weekend). Problem is that just feels worse than before.

Got a new GP and they said walk it off. Got a new therapist and she was overwhelmed. Spoke to beyondblue and they were amazing passing me onto a mental health line. Mental health line haven’t done anything in a week.

I don’t know what to do. I know deep down I don’t want to end my life but sometimes I think who cares. I’m just tired and think I need a break

Appreciate any advice. Thanks.

4 Replies 4

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear redtornado,  

Thank you so very much for choosing our forum community to join and work with, we are grateful to have you. 

Also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how much strength it can take to share something like this, and we want you to know that many of your peers will want to reach out to you to help in any way they can. Thank you for being able to share. 

It is so very critical to acknowledge the wins and the things that keep us going, and I can hear how very powerful you have been in and of yourself, redtornado - You managed your own achieving sobriety, you managed to seek out assistance, and you have been in touch with us and other services ever since. This victory cannot be understated - and we do want to invite you to applaud yourself at least a little here. It can be so easy to just accept the nose-dive. And if you feel you do still need support achieving more wins there, we recommend calling the NSW ADIS (Alcohol and Drug Information Service) - their number is 1800 250 015 or click here for more.

We want to acknowledge the heartache of losing someone to suicide. When life is rough for you yourself, it is so easy to feel they abandoned you here, or chickened out, or maybe even got out of the pain lightly. The need to not be without them anymore can be powerful, and we think even normal. It is crucial to have support as you move through this - we really value our friends at Griefline for exactly this situation - please call them on 1300 845 745, you can also a webchat by heading to their site here

Please do not hesitate to call 000 if you are struggling, and there is also the Suicide Call back Service - please call 1300 659 467 or look them up here  and Support After Suicide can be found here: 

Again, thank  you so much for joining our community, redtornado and for your courage in this post. Please keep reaching out, we hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,

Sophie M.
 

Petal22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi redtornado,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that substance abuse can be a really hard thing to go through.

Sometimes people will try to self medicate with substances to try to block out what is really troubling them in their lives.

Sometimes if we can acknowledge what is really troubling us and then confront it with the help of a health professional we can then learn how to move past it without the need for substances.

Anxiety and depression can be hard to deal with but with the correct help you can learn to manage these conditions.

Sometimes through medication and therapy I believe both go hand in hand.

Im sorry you feel as though you are a people pleaser and that the people you thought where your friends didn’t turn out to be your real friends.

Real friends will want the best for you and will want to support you… your friends are out there the real ones who will like you for you.

Im sorry you are feeling sad, depressed, unhealthy and have no confidence could you try to give yourself more attention and start to live on your terms and become the person you want to become not to please anyone else but your self.

Im sorry your colleague took her own life I understand that would be so hard.

Im sorry that you relapsed but please don’t give up on trying to be sober… you will get there.

Im also sorry that your gp told you to walk it off…. you could try a different gp and really tell this gp about the way you really are feeling currently and the type of thoughts you are having… and why you feel the need to take substances….the more honest you can be with the gp the more your gp will understand what you are going through and the help you need.

If you really feel as though you are struggling please tell your gp this.

Was your psychologist helpful? If your psychologist seemed overwhelmed and you feel this psychologist wasn’t the correct fit for you you could try a different psychologist.

We are to listen to you and support you as a community.

Please come back to us when you are ready.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello redtornado, sometimes people begin substance abuse to numb their feelings they may be having or for various other reasons including parents breaking up and both being alcoholics, while your 'friends' are using a substance and encouraged to join them.

We also may pretend to hide our feelings and lie our way through from one day to another to those we associate with, but this really doesn't achieve much because it can put us in a false world, added with the need for substance abuse, which can then change how you eat, drink and sleep and if you are able to realise this then you may decide to stop, but it's common for people to have a relapse, and this is when help is needed.

The worst thing a doctor or therapist can do is criticise anyone for using alcohol and/or substance abuse and instead find out the reasons why, because if they condemn you then the chances of going back to them are remote, so you're back to square one.

A doctor can prescribe some medication which will stop any urge to drink or use drugs, I've taken it before and it does work, but only if you are determined to stop.

It also doesn't matter if you go from one doctor/therapist to another, what's more important, is that you need someone who will listen to you and deal with how you are feeling.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

redtornado
Community Member

Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread.

I’ve spoken to ADIS and Griefline this morning and it felt great to get everything off my chest and get support.

Highly recomment BeyondBlue, ADIS and Griefline to anyone who needs it.

Thank you again and take care.