I need HELP with my daughter

[Azhurestar]

I could use some help/advise with the following:

My daughter is 20 years old. She has always been very emotional person. I have tried over the years to always be there for her whenever she needed somebody to talk to. I have always said to her that if she ever needed somebody to listen I am here no matter the issue. But she never felt like she can and whenever I felt something was off, I would have to work extra hard to get it out her. I am sorry to say many of those times it left us fighting even though I tried my best to stay calm and understanding.

Few months ago she finally admitted that she needs help because she is a dark space but refused my or her fathers help in finding a psychologist for her. She even refused financial help. It took her months of pushing for her to book one telehealth app. ( to be honest I don't believe she kept it). Now she is saying she can book another app whenever she wants and she will do it but again nothing is happening.

I don't know how to proceed. She is an adult and I can't force her to keep seeing somebody and I can't force her to talk to me. She is insisting she is fine and that she can handle things on her own. She still lives with us and knows we are there for her but she is not talking. I am afraid because depression does not just go away and it might get much worse.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Azhurestar, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear of the struggles that you and your family are currently experiencing. We understand how difficult and overwhelming it can be when a loved one is struggling so much. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Kids Help Line might also be worth looking in to as they are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Gambit87]

Hi Azhurestar,

Welcome to the forums.

Please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt - I don't have kids so I can only imagine what you are going through as her mother and I feel for you!

I'm going through something similar with my partner, Its a terrible feeling watching someone you love suffer!

Speaking as someone who suffers from depression - Its great you are supporting your daughter! Believe me when I say she knows you and her father are there for her and it is a comfort (even though she may not show it).

Depression takes away your ability to communicate properly, it takes away your sense of self, awareness and it makes us feel like a bruden. We don't people to fix our problems as such, we just want to be listened to and reassured that what we are feeling is valid. We want to talk - but we don't know how to articulate whats going on inside our heads. Trying to force it out of us or getting angry or frustrated at us makes it worse. It made me feel even more worthless when people got angry at me. We know people are there for us but the fear to being a burden trumps that.

Your daughter has made the first step - admitting she needs help and that's a HUGE step in the right direction. Unfortunately she needs to be the one to take the second. Dont try to force the issue because it can cause more harm then good, instead - ask simple questions like 'How are you?' You may get the typical 'yeah - fine' response but it enforces the idea in your daughters mind that you're there for her.

I encourage you to check out -

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression
https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask

I know how hard it is - but the penny will drop for your daughter and she will realise she needs to be proactive about getting help.

Depression doesn't do away, we just learn to manage it and once we learn to manage it it does get easier.

Again, please take what I say as a grain of salt 🙂

reply if you feel like it - more than happy to keep chatting 🙂

[Azhurestar]

Thank you so much for your response. Everything you said about feeling worthless and burden about wanting to talk and not being able to express herself, is everything she has told me. It broke my heart when she told me how she feels and I am trying very hard to stay calm and supportive because I know she can't help feeling all if this and its not her fault. I just really wish she could see how wonderful, beautiful, passionate, strong and smart women she has grown into, I wish she could see how much she is loved and that she will never be a burden to us.

I know it takes time and I am happy she has sought out help and I am hoping she will continue with seeking out more help and hopefully she will see that her father and I are there for her everyday anytime always.

Again, thank you.

[The_Bro]

Hi there Azhurestar and thanks for your post which expressed so much emotion and clarity.

I'm not qualified at all to give you 'advice' about your daughter, but would like to share with you a somewhat similar situation I had with my own daughter.

I am a solo Dad with two daughters who decided to stay with me at ages 13 and 11 when I separated from their mother. The eldest had always been pretty headstrong but was basically well behaved. As she became an older teenager she got mixed up with some hippy types and started taking advantage of the freedom I offered her. Things like not coming home and not telling me, friends staying over without telling me etc. We had 'chats' about it but they weren't that successful.

A cousin of mine who happened to be a social worker suggested a method to try - I'll outline it here for you in three steps:

1. Even though you are very loving and totally supportive to your daughter, she may not see it this way and probably won't tell you. So try and find some aspect of your relationship problem that you can 'own' - in other words make some of the problem yours and take responsibility for it. Even if you have to make it up. Something that you can apologise for, and say you are sorry, and will improve that aspect of your behaviour.

2. Make a meeting with your daughter at a separate and non threatening place. Like a cafe lunch, walk in the park etc. This attaches more weight and importance to the meeting than just having a chat at at home.

3. Think very hard about what you are going to say before hand. Tell her how much you love her, are proud of the adult she has become, then take ownership of the problem from Point One above. Something like 'I know I don't always listen to you even though I say I do - that is something I am not proud about, am sorry for, and want to try to make sure it doesn't happen again'. What that does is take away any opportunity for friction and prepares the way for a much calmer response from your daughter.

When I actually put these points into practice they had a stunning effect - much better than I had hoped for. We both cried and my daughter opened up to me like never before. We became much closer and she modified her behaviour remarkably. I think it was all about creating level ground and taking some responsibility myself.

That was years ago and my daughter sometimes still refers to it.

So that's my experience Azhurestar - I sincerely hope this helps just a little bit.

Happy to discuss more. The Bro.