I'm such a failure

SBBZ · ‎26-07-2020

First time posting here. English is not my native language, so hopefully what I'm about to say makes sense.
I have been in Australia for over 10 years, going to uni first and then settled down to work. Met my lovely wife at uni and got married 5 years ago.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 12, and experienced many ups and downs but never really been properly treated until moving to Australia.

Uni was relatively smooth sailing apart from one depressive episode that I came out of after a few months, without treatment. Working life is a lot more bumpy, with increasingly frequent episodes.
Almost every time, my depression was triggered by work, usually by a new job. Then I had to quit the job because I just couldn't handle the debilitating and paralysing feeling it brought. The depression goes away after a few months, with the help of antidepressants and talk therapy.

After 3-4 episodes during my not-so-long professional life, it was triggered again a few months ago by a new job. I just couldn't accept the fact that it's back again and again like groundhog day. I feel so hopeless that I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. The hospital environment was not very ideal and I was discharged because I was deemed stable. Quite a relief for me because I felt extremely uncomfortable in the ward and I couldn't manage to sleep much at night.

I started to feel better after the discharge and went back to the job part time, only to realise that I just can't handle it, even though the team was very supportive and flexible to accommodate me. The nature of the job just made me anxious and unable to focus, think clearly and feeling nauseous the whole time. I resigned AGAIN.

I'm such a failure! My career hasn't progressed much over the years, and now I end up with yet another gap to explain to future employer. I just can't do this any more! I even contemplate changing career, but wouldn't that be another escape? Plus, with my current state of mind, I can't think of anything I'd like to do anyway...
I have a supportive partner, a good GP and psychologist. I know I tick all the boxes for depression and anxiety, but I sometimes think I'm just using them as an excuse to by lazy.

Sorry for the rambling. Already reaching the limit but I have a few more paragraphs to add ...

P0L0 · ‎26-07-2020

Hi SBBZ,

You are very strong to have posted here for the first time and reached out for help. This is a big first step; and just know that here on the forums, we are here for you every step of the way.

Also, remember, even though it may seem hard, that the people around you that love you, also care for you and want to you to feel the best you can. Moreover, you are definitely not lazy and you are also not using your depression and anxiety as excuses. Just as any physical injury that inhibits people from physical exercise like a broken leg, mental illnesses inhibit people from mental tasks. And just like a broken leg, with time, strength and perseverance, the mental illness will get better. So do not give up hope!

Also, if you need anyone to talk to or if you need support, please contact Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . There is also Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Lifeline crisis chat 7pm - 12am at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ .

Best Wishes!

P0L0

SBBZ · ‎27-07-2020

Many people are in much much worse situations, but they still manage to hold on to their career and take care of their family. For me, I just keep escaping and avoiding until I feel 100% to get back to a normal life. The more support I get, emotionally and financially, the worse I feel about myself, thinking that why can't I like many other people to push through the challenges, especially giving the fact that I'm really lucky to have the means.

At the moment, I have no direction and no purpose. Getting through every day is such a struggle. I can manage to sleep 4-5 hours a day which is much better than a month ago, but still extremely tired. Nothing makes me happy no matter what I try. Very poor appetite but try to force myself to eat. Feel like my brain is exploding with racing thoughts. Force myself to go out, but can't stand being around a crowd, in a restaurant or at the shops. It feels like I'm about to lose my mind. I know I should meditate, practise mindfulness, exercise, go out and socialise, but sometimes they either don't work or I just can't make myself do it. I have plans to study some online courses to occupy myself and regain confidence, but some days, I just can't do it. I'm so WEAK!

I hate myself so much because the real me is such a pleasure to be around with, with a great sense of humour and full of energy.

My appointment to see my 1st psychiatrist out of hospital won't be until end of August, so I guess a medication change won't happen soon...

james1 · ‎27-07-2020

Hello SBBZ,

Welcome to these forums.

I fully understand how it can often feel like we are being lazy, especially when we compare ourselves to others who seem to be in much worse situations but appear to be managing better. I understand it can make you feel like you are weak.

I don't know how to really respond to that self-criticism, because when I do it to myself, I get really stuck too. But what I can say to you is that what others do, and how others cope, has nothing to do with you and your own challenges.

Instead, what I think matters is that it takes strength to come onto a public forum and talk about how bad you feel and to talk about your own insecurities and mental challenges. I don't think you are weak at all, but simply that you are finding it really hard to cope. That is very normal and does not mean at all that you are somehow less capable than anyone else.

You've talked about certain strategies that sometimes help and some plans for yourself to regain some confidence. Rather than focussing on the days where you just can't do it, I wanted to just point out that there are some days where you can. That is great. It's even great that you still want to do these things for yourself.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is I understand how you are feeling and I think it is worthwhile also trying to think about the good things you are doing. You are not useless or weak, you are just having a really tough time.

You mentioned you have a good GP and psychologist. Are they people you get to see regularly?

James

SBBZ · ‎27-07-2020

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your reply!

You were spot on when you said about not to focus on bad days but rather be hopeful that there are days I can get up and do things. I do tend to get worse and worse on a bad day because all I think about is to blame myself for being the way I am.

At the moment I see my GP and psychologist almost weekly. I learnt many strategies from the psychotherapy, but just can't make them to work when I'm experiencing a tough time.

james1 · ‎27-07-2020

Hello SBBZ

It is great to hear that you are able to recognise that there are days you can get up and do things. Write that down somewhere, or try to keep it in mind on days where you can't get up and do things. It's so important on bad days to remember that there are good days too, even if your mind just wants to lead you down the other way.

Ah, I see my psychologist weekly still. It's been four years now - I used to see her twice a week and now once a week. Slow progress, but progress all the same. I would hazard a guess that even on bad days, there's still progress being made for you too.

Also, I'm not sure whether your culture would do this normally, but I wonder if you've spoken to your wife much about how you feel? I imagine she could also help remind you about all the things you do right and which you do well.

James

SBBZ · ‎20-08-2020

Hi James,

It's been almost a month since my last post. It feels like a roller coaster ride. Some good days followed by a few bad ones and repeat.

I will be seeing my private psychiatrist for the first time next week. However, all I think about is what if we don't click, and lots of other what-ifs. I know people would say just get a new one if this one didn't work, but for me, it feels like an unbearable task.

I do have good days, the days with energy and motivation to keep myself busy. I even started to look for jobs last week. However, this week all going back to the rabbit hole. I know I probably need to get used to being able to LIVE with my depression, but I just can't accept to feel like this for the rest of my life.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, but simply surviving instead of living my life is such a torture. I feel like every one more day that has passed is one step further away for me from getting back on track.

White_Rose · ‎20-08-2020

Dear SBBZ

Hello and welcome to the forum. You could have put my name in your story and it would be no different. I almost smiled, not because it's funny but because we all have so many similar things happen in our lives. I berate myself for not shaping up, call myself names, get easily discouraged, wonder why others manage so much better than I do etc. I think we need to remember that what affects us badly is most likely not a problem to others. And vice versa, we sail though something that brings others to their knees. The lesson to remember here is that we are all different.

I cannot believe you are lazy or looking for an excuse. Yes I think the same about me but what I have eventually realised is that living in such pain and discomfort is not pleasant so why would I want to do this to myself. It's true I feel frustrated and helpless sometimes but so does everyone. It's a part of the journey. I was talking to my MH GP in the week and she commented that when I felt overwhelmed it was not with that total collapse I used to experience. I was so much better and it's true. The feelings are not so intense and they go more quickly. Progress indeed. You can get there too.

It's good you are going to a psychiatrist. Was this your idea or your GP? Not that it matters. I think it will be financially better for you this way. Please do not stress in advance about not getting on with him/her. The start of a new therapeutic relationship is always difficult as you both learn about each other. It can take a little while to get comfortable so please do not get disheartened at the start.

You said "I'm not suicidal at the moment, but simply surviving instead of living my life is such a torture" I spent a long time living from hour to hour and I was suicidal. I will wait an hour, then wait another hour until I could manage a day and so on. A truly horrible place to be but here I am offering you my help and my experiences. I hope it's OK telling you about my life. Sometimes it can be irritating. I want to say you can get better. Your bad days will decrease and the good days increase even though it does not seem possible at the moment.

Forcing yourself to go out and socialise may put unnecessary pressure on you. I know I am often better when I go out but I live on my own and company these days is good. Go out but if you start feeling overwhelmed then leave. Knowing you can do this helps with the pressure to stay. Enlist your wife's help.

Keep posting.

Mary

mocha delight · ‎20-08-2020

Hi sbbz you sound a bit like me as pre antidepressants I got 4/5 hours max sleep at night, always tired and did not have much of a appetite but just ate for the sake of doing so. And yes some of the sleeping problems at the time was when I was trying to get diagnosed with coeliac disease (which I have that and also sleeping to much or to little is a symptom of that) but what I did not know at the time that I also had sleep apnea (sleeping problems are also a symptom for that) and GORD which is the autoimmune disease side of acid reflux (which I have to). I have not been diagnosed with depression or anxiety yet although I’m on antidepressants but my gp she strongly believes I have depression. My gp has referred me to a psychologist but when I called to make a appointment to see the psychologist the receptionist I talked to told me she’s not taking on new clients. So I then want on beyondblue yesterday to the ‘find a professional’ and got a name of one to try to get in to see (this all happened yesterday) and I’m seeing her on the 9th of September. Following that call I rang my gp’s practice and made a phone appointment to take to her as I need to get a referral to this other psychologist plus I have some other things to talk to her about as well. So now I’m feeling anxious and nervous about my first ever psychologist appointment.

SBBZ · ‎21-08-2020

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for sharing. Many many people have said to me I need to recognize and appreciate the fact everyone is different. However, it's very hard. My mind is so stubborn...

After a rough night, this morning I decided to stop trying for the day. I'm going back to bed. I'm not going to blame myself for this. I don't have to feel better, I just don't want to try forcing myself again to do what I don't want but should do.