I feel helpless and don't know what to do

[Jason-X]

I'm at a loss on what to do with myself. I want to get better and stop hating myself, to stop feeling miserable and enjoy life or at least have hope for the future. So far every therapist I've seen either leaves to go to a better city/get better income, is unprofessional, or just straight up say they can't help me.

With my last therapist I was really hopeful that I could be safe enough to talk about my life going on at home. He didn't believe me after talking with my mum and blamed me for not going to a shelter when I didn't know the abuse I discussed was bad enough to warrant that. I've just gotten so used to it that it's my life now. He abruptly stopped contacting me after only 3 sessions and when my mum found out, she used it as evidence that I'm so crazy and unfixable that even therapists give up on me.

But I can't deal with the abuse anymore. I need help just getting confident enough to get a job and move out, but my intense self-hatred gets in the way of progress. Constantly being threatened at home and called homophobic slurs is killing me. In public I'm scared of getting bashed up. I don't have any friends because I got too scared to see them again after coming out.

I'm at a point where suicide feels like the only way out. I'm too scared to start therapy again for the 7th time. I hate talking about my life and my upbringing. The last few times I got close to progress, my therapists ended up moving away or having their funding cut. At one point a therapist focused only on how me being gay was the problem here, and that if I stopped being gay, then my family would love me.

I know it's stupid to air our out my laundry online to people who'll never see me or know me but I genuinely don't know where else to turn. I guess I should be asking how to actually make progress in therapy, or if I should even bother and just turn to self-help instead. If so, what steps can I make by myself to get better?

Thanks for reading this if you do.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Jason-X,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We want to thank you for having the strength and bravery to share your story and allow our community to help you on your journey. We can hear that you have a lot of judgement and stress in your life, and this is not helped by feeling trapped with family that don’t understand or accept who you are. We can see that this is having a significant impact on your mental health and we want you to know that Beyond Blue are there for you if you need to talk anytime.
 
Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
As you have stated that your family constantly use ‘homophobic slurs’ and that this is a huge component of how you are currently feeling, we would also like to recommend contacting QLife. QLife is a free and anonymous service run by LGBTIQ+ peers for those wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings, or relationships. They operate between 3pm and midnight each day and can be called on   or chat via https://qlife.org.au/resources/chat
 
One further resource for you to look at while deciding if it is possible to move out of home, is Services Australia. They have guides and links to government approved services regarding housing, finances, and employment. We would highly recommend seeing what services, assistance and support is available specific to your situation and location, while you are processing your decision. You can access this service via their website, https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/
 
If at any point that feeling of ‘suicide feels like the only way out’ becomes overwhelming or you do not feel safe, we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi Jason_X. So sorry to hear about the abuse and bad experiences you've had with psychologists so far. It sounds like some of them were definitely unprofessional in they're approach and apathetic toward you.

As Sophie_M mentioned, there are some great crisis resources available on BB and other sources should you ever feel you're in a crisis, and I recommend that you keep those in mind. I've used some in the past and they're not only great in listening and reassuring you but also with appropriate follow up.

Regarding therapy, you should give yourself props or even taking the effort to not only seek help but also continue to seek help when you dont find a suitable clinician. Your strength in that should not be understated. It can be very difficult when you speak to so many doctors, psychologists, social workers etc and it feels like no one is listening.

I would definetely recommend that you continue to seek therapy and try to find a clinician who you feel validated by. It can take some time but is ultimately worth it in the end. When I was trying to find a psychologist, I asked my GP and my psychiatrist if they knew any in the area that might be specific to my needs and then I started from there. I would then google their website, names and even their linkedin to try and gauge if they would be a good fit before booking an appointment and getting a referral.

Best wishes