I can't help but feel empty

[cynaax]

Hi all, this is my first post here so sorry if it's a lot

Over this year I have been battling with severe anxiety, from around March. when it first started, I would get the occasional panic attack, which started with everything feeling like it was slowing down, a tightening in my chest, then my heart quickly racing and I would run down the stairs thinking I was going to die, and that I could no longer control my body and such.

Last month it reached it's worse, I had gone on a long string of feeling normal again, if not happier than I was, since I thought I beat my anxiety or something similar to that. However then I started getting numerous panic attacks one night, I couldn't sleep and my anxiety was at it's worst it has ever been, I ended up not sleeping properly for a week, not moving much and constantly slipping into a panic attack whenever I had to get up.

That's when I realized that what I was doing to suppress my anxiety was no longer working, and that I had to change my approach otherwise I would constantly feel like this. Due to that, I have changed a lot over the past month, I decided to seek help through my parents/grandparents, I started seeing a doctor regarding my anxiety, and am seeing the same doc each week to check up on me to see how I'm going. I have been diagnosed with GAD, and I've been referred to headspace to start seeing a therapist. I'm a little worried, but I know it'll work out in the end.

However until recently, I've started to feel like everything is a constant lucid dream, and that nothing is real and I'm only floating through life. Due to that, it feels like I'm numb to emotions, when looking at myself it feel like I'm staring in a void. When I spoke to the doctor about it, he said it's called depersonalization and that many people with anxiety feel that way from time to time. Which has made feel a bit better about it, knowing that I can relate to people, however I feel like I constantly feel that way, even though my anxiety isn't bad at that point in time.

I feel empty, it feels like I'm starting to lose it mentally, I'm thankful to myself for my improvement, however I just don't feel happy anymore and I feel like it's only getting worse to the point where I won't ever feel normal again.

I like talking like this, but lately whenever I talk about things like my anxiety, or how I'm feeling, I can't help but feel guilty and sad about it.

Thank you and hope you are all doing well!

-Anthony

[quirkywords]

Anthony cynaax

Welcome to the forum and well done for starting your own thread and writing your very first post.

It see s a bit overwhelming. You have written a very well written and well explained post that is easy to follow and understand.

Did it help getting a name to how tou are feeling from your doctore.

I know that empty feeling and it is hard to live with.

Many people here will relate to what you have written.

You may want to look at other threads on depression and maybe browse some threads that really interest you.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. You are not alone and there is support here.

Is there anything you like to do like art, walking, sport or anything that helps you a little bit.

Thanks again for writing your post.

[Emmen]

Hello Anthony,

Welcome to the forums. You'll find that many of our community struggle with anxiety as you do. I hope you'll take the time to browse the forums and connect with other people like yourself, so that you'll feel more supported and less alone 🙂

I've had panic attacks before and know how disruptive they can be to our daily lives. I'm glad you've started seeing a GP and are receiving therapy for GAD. It's also good that your parents and grandparents know of your condition and are there to support you.

This one phrase you said resonated so much with me: even though my anxiety isn't bad at that point in time. I thought the same once, when I had persistent breathlessness and a constant choking sensation even on my "happier" days. What helped me was to consistently track my mood (I used an app called "Moodpath") and to practice mindfulness ("Stop, Breath & Think" and "Smiling Mind" are good options). Mood tracking helped me understand my patterns of anxiety better and associate the way my body was feeling with the anxiety while the mindfulness apps helped me relax my mind and body consciously. Perhaps you could try it to support the therapy you're receiving?

One thing to remember while you're recovering - be kind to yourself. GAD is an illness, just like any physical illness. You wouldn't be guilty about having a fever, so why feel guilty about having GAD?

Take care,
M

[bluenight]

Hi Anthony

When I first started developing an anxiety disorder 20 years ago I had depersonalisation. It was such a strange and scary feeling that stayed for a while I can't remember now. I remember being scared that it would never go away. What helps for me is things like a really good diet, connecting with others, exercise, sunshine, sleep, doing things you enjoy. I hope you hang in there and hopefully things improve for you soon.