How do I want to get better
All I want to do is waste away and avoid everything I’m afraid of. I’m too anxious to see my friends and family, to talk to a professional in any way, too depressed to get out of bed and make any changes.
even something as simple as practicing mindfulness is impossible for me because I stop myself.
how do I find drive to make any step forward?
Hi again Baileybasil,
I can sense the anguish and dislike of yourself. I'm so sorry that life is so difficult for you. I hope you didn't think I was being judgemental when I asked whether you worked or studied. I just wanted to get to know a little more about you and your life.
Could I ask you some more questions? You mentioned neglect from your mother as a child, how is your relationship with her at the moment?
Also, you mentioned that you couldn't afford to see another psychologist. Have you been to see a psychologist before?
I'd like to point out that often low or no income people can get free GP appointments, and a free Mental Health Care Plan from a GP which can entitle you to reduced or often free sessions (up to something like 10/year) with a psychologist. I know this is scary for you, the thought of talking to professionals, but it really is sometimes the first step out of hell for people - definitely that has been the experience of some people on these forums...
I live at our place pretty much alone while she’s always at her partners house. Our relationship is not good I don’t want it to be. We are basically roommates not family.
and I’ve gotten a mental health plan before yes, and the psychologist didn’t care about my depression, only told me a few breathing techniques for my anxiety and I relapsed anyway.
I have absolutely no interest in seeing a gp or getting better because doing so is going to put me right in front of what I’m avoiding to begin with.
i feel for u and identify a lot with what u are writing
i also hate leaving my house but also, somehow, being in my house (catch 22).
I can understand not wanting to go to a GP and get another MHCP or see a psychologist. For many ppl, they put so much hope that the gp or psychologit can hlp them and sometimes they get nowhere with them. I've had bad experiences with gps and mental health professionals, but eventually I did find one that I liked. It was difficult and I can understand not wanting to try.
Just as a side point there are other ways to get help beyond going to a GP for a MHCP - lots of different things help. Even reading about MH or maybe trauma if that could apply to where you're at, or watching youtube videos about ppl who have gone through similar. U don't have to push urself or want to do more than just trying ur best. U are trying ur best. Thats enough.
s true - some of them can be oddly addictive and misleading
good to keep an eye out and research them a bit... and to take them with a grain of salt.
Social media also has some good ppl to follow, including peers/vulnerable ppl who i've learnt a lot from about the system. again, gotta take it with a grain of salt. But lived experience is so precious to me.
Lovely to see u here, Here2talk& Bailey Basil
I hear what you’re saying about psychologists and breathing and meditation and how these are often insufficient. They are a technique for the physiological components of anxiety. But anxiety/depression are about much more than our physiology...
Firstly as sleepy was sort of driving at, it’s okay if you don’t want to see a GP/psych: don’t feel like you “have to” do anything....
But at the same time psychologists are individuals, and they are all different. Just because the first only cared about breathing/meditation, doesn’t mean they all do. One of the most important things for good mental health, if not “the” most important thing, is having some kind of relationship. Now that’s a bit difficult for you at the moment, but if you found the right psychologist, this could be quite curative for you...
But moving on.. From your post above to Grandy, you have a girlfriend at the moment, but you haven’t seen her for 4 months, is that right?
I hear you above about watching YouTube videos and reading but I’m just too stubborn in my depression to actually act in any way; apart from journaling which I’m kinda unsure how to use effectively.
Yes we were only seeing each other for 3 months before I relapsed hard and now it’s been 4 without hanging out. She seems very taken with me but I don’t know how to take it or reciprocate it. I feel really bad because of her needs in a relationship but at the same she’s very demanding to me, an introvert who’s social battery is very short. I don’t think my battery should run out with someone I’m together with right?
I don’t like talking about anything because I’m self aware that my issues are superficial and my questions about purpose and fulfilment in life are something everyone ponders and moves on from whereas I’m stuck on them.
I am in a position where I have to do something as my mum has lost work and I need to somehow bring money in when I can’t even leave my bed some days. Having a conversation with her about that is very hard for me since she’s what I believe to be the cause of at least some of my mental turmoil; and she is a bit on the fence about mental health.
I think my problem is no matter what solution someone gives me I’m just not going to take it. I don’t have it in me anymore, and I don’t know how to get the flame started again. Baby steps are leaps to me.
Hey Bailey, I'm sorry if my response sounded like advice or pushing.
I really don't believe that, I think u deserve to be heard and respected where u are.
U don't need more pressure.
I find it really frustrating myself when ppl tell me to use a mindfulness app. I don't like trying conventional things.
And I have felt very similar for most of my twenties, not open or with energy to try new things and it was hard when ppl would push them on me
I completely broke down when a friend (i thought a friend... now not so much) started lecturing me that i should just go to my GP and get a referall to a good psychologist. I found it was never that simple for me anyway. In 2019 i did just that, got a referall, went to a psychologist. I didn't find it helpful.
I couldn't put my finger on why. And then ppl exept you to feel better from the psychologist, to just absorb their advice and do whatever they say. My psychologist didn't give me tonnes of advice. He gave me mindfulness excercises at home but I couldn't listen to them bcause I didn't love the way he presented them and he himself was the one guiding the meditations which i found intense. also they went for ages, ten or twelve minues, and my window of tolerance wouldn't allow me to focus that long.
I found it hard to leave him, I kept seeing him for a few months beause I felt like that's wht I had to do to get well, while it didn't actually make me well.
I wish I knew what did, but I don't think shutting down one's intituition is the answer. No need to watch youtube or read books etc and sorry if it sounded like I was pressuring you. That just worked for me. No one person has all the answers and your intuition is so important.
I know someone who gets disability pension due to anxiety problems.. could this be something to look into for you since your mother is now out of work??
Did you ever discuss cognitive distortions with the psychologist you saw? There are a lot of things where you seem to be rejecting ideas before you have even thought about them. E.g: “no matter what solution I’m just not going to take it”, “I’m too stubborn”.....
Us humans are not really one thing, but a composite of many different thoughts and feelings and memories built up over time.
You look down on yourself for your issues being “superficial” and your problems with meaning being something everyone has. But neither of these things are true.
Firstly, you have problems with anxiety and depression and problematic relationships and what seems like a fear of judgement by others.. This is by no means superficial dear baileybasil... These are real problems.
Secondly, not everyone grapples at such a painful level with meaning and purpose - indeed all the routine things like jobs and relationships flesh out much in our lives and create a sense of meaning which actually covers up the painful truth that you’ve come to realise: what the hell is the meaning????
I think one important thing which you may not see, is that you are just as important a human being as anyone else on this planet. I feel like you don’t believe this. Sounds like your childhood and relationship with your mother may have a lot to do with that... You are a worthwhile person Baileybasil - we need to treat ourselves as we would someone we were taking care of.
I’m curious as to what are your problems with hygiene?
So this woman is still your girlfriend, despite not having seen you for 4 months? Id like to hear more about her, and the problems you have with the relationship.