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Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

Daniel12
Community Member

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

534 Replies 534

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Daniel12

I believe it's the nature of any significant quest to hold many questions. For some, the greatest quest of all is the one undertaken to find who we naturally are.

Who we naturally are and who we believe our self to be can sometimes be 2 entirely different things (nature vs nurture)

  • You can be a natural adventurer but may have been conditioned to play it safe by a fearful parent
  • You can be naturally imaginative but may have been conditioned out of this by people directing you to 'Stop daydreaming' until you eventually stop being a visionary almost altogether
  • As we work with the many aspects of self, which is perfectly natural, we may forget who we naturally are in the process and what other parts of us we may need to employ at times. We many employ the student/worker for a certain number of hours each week, the housekeeper, the people pleaser, the victim and so on. We may forget we're in charge of also employing he/she who won't tolerate the intolerable, the rebel, the philosopher, the self who deserves to relax, the seriously confronting/challenging victor in search of justice and so on

You can be naturally sensitive yet may have been told to 'toughen up' one too many times. When I say 'sensitive' I'm more so talking about the ability to sense. Just about all of us start off sensitive; we can sense/feel the need for adventure, excitement, questioning, wondering, reasoning and so on. Each of those can be conditioned out of us to some degree: We can be grounded out of adventuring, told to settle down, asked why we have to question so much, told to get our head out of the clouds, told by those in authority 'I don't have to give you a reason, just do as you're told'.

I recall, after giving birth to my 2nd child, coming out of more than a decade in depression. I had absolutely no idea who I naturally was. While coming out of depression was thoroughly liberating it was also incredibly confronting. Fast forward 16 years, to now. My greatest revelation would have to be - I began as my natural self but somewhere along the way that self was somewhat hijacked/misguided. Instead of being guided to develop my self, I was conditioned to be someone altogether different, which can be depressing (to lose your self).

If you feel people find you boring, have you ever wondered why they don't hold the ability to bring out the best in you? No doubt you're jam packed with incredible things, waiting to be discovered. For a start, your ability to sense is clear.

🙂

Hi there

Firstly thanks for replying I greatly appreciate it.

What you have said makes sense to me despite how confused I feel at the moment.

I think I attach a lot of pressure to needing to know who I am and where I am at all the time and I don’t really have an outlet in my life to help me along

I am going to keep note of the things you have said and try and reinforce it

thanks again

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Daniel, welcome to the site and thank you for deciding to post your comment and from what you've said 'constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be' and with rejection from this person you want to be attached to, doesn't seem to complement what you believe your life should be about by having a good job, a good family so you believe that having a partner would be the ideal connection to it all.

It does matter when someone becomes depressed and when this happens we're unable to say who has a worse situation than another person, each one of us handles it their own way and some are able to hide it from others, so who's able to say, that's why everyone is treated the same way.

The way you are, means that's your personality, you are able to alter it as you see fit, but basically, you are what your personality says you are, you can learn many different traits as you age and are formed on what your personality allows it to happen.

Is it possible as you have a good job and family you are hoping for the top of the range, rather than accepting somebody that's half way down, as people like what a person can do and not pretend to do, so you would be capable of doing many things, so match yourself with another person who also likes what you do.

Don't be disappointed but as soon as your heart rate increases, then may that's the one to ask out.

Take care.

Geoff.

Daniel12
Community Member

Hi Geoff

thanks for your reply and advice, I think there is merit to what you have said about potentially trying to find someone to match an idea I have as thinking about it I probably have attracted the wrong sorts because of this as well.

I think it has left me at a point where I’m so deflated with myself and beaten down that I don’t see anyone really understanding me and I don’t even understand myself, then I tend to spiral as I would of assumed at my age I’d be in the prime of my life enjoying myself and it’s the direct opposite.

it’s nice to have people on here reach out however small it may be as it does give me a bit of fuel to want to try turn this around

Thanks again

Daniel

Hi Daniel,

About 6yrs ago I had similar feelings to what you are experiencing now, a sense of loss of identity ,asking questions like why am I here, what is my purpose in this world ,back then at that point I had an amazing partner a good job, loads of friends, the whole nine yards. But one day something changed inside me, a deep sorrow that was unmatched by any feeling that I had ever experienced in my life, believe me I had been rejected most of my life through society at large and love interests, but that had nothing on this, when I was alone I would cry like I had never cried before, out of the blue for no reason at all ,and because I didn't have an answer, it made it all more painful, and inset the depression or that which I thought I had, to the point where my thoughts were screaming I need to leave this world.( it was my lack of understanding who I was) Back then I considered myself strong and independent Id lived abroad for many years by myself, so I know how to take care of myself, and because I had this conception of who I was I buried that pain deep within me, only for it to resurface a couple of years later with a vengeance tearing my world apart, I lost everything, my partner, most of my friends and found it hard to hold jobs down, you see what was happening to me wasn't happening to me on a mental or physical plane only, it was much deeper and profound, it was happening on a spiritual level, I wasn't a religious person per-se and I'm still not but I needed to know why I was feeling this way so then began my journey. I started with my birthdate, and found out everything I could learn about myself through Astrology( full astrology not just your zodiac sign)Vedic Astrology, astrotheology, numerology, philosophy anything that would help fill the void of which was empty inside me. And so I did and know I now who I am, and what I'm here for, what's happening to you Daniel maybe explained by looking at it from a different angle, go looking, don't stop looking, and give yourself as many resources you can so you can arm yourself with a complete understanding of who you are, find it and be whole again.

I hope this helps in whatever way that it can be strong take care.

Mak that change

Hi there

thanks for sharing your experience and I’m glad you were able to find that for yourself and hope you are doing well.

I had the same thought over the last couple days and reading the other responses on here to try and go back to my roots and where I really come from and search for what makes me who I am right from when I was child as it was suggested to me to look at this

i can relate to your feelings you had as I have often had nights where I have cried for no real reason and it’s what seems to be the lack of answers I have that makes it all the more worse but hopefully I can stick strong and try my best to find whatever it is I need for the penny to drop and know where I am at and what I am

thanks

Daniel

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Daniel

You're such an incredibly open minded person, open to discovery. It takes natural intelligence to sense your need for an open mind, questioning, answers and growth.

With an open mind, the more you discover the more your mind opens. Getting started (in coming to know yourself better) is the hardest part, especially when there may not be a lot of people in your life to help you explore different avenues. I believe, having an open mind should come with caution: Be careful what you let in and take on as a belief. For example, you may say to people 'I have this deep need to know myself better. I'm going off to spend time in an ashram in South Asia'. With an open mind, you may take in the excitement and advice some folk have for you regarding this trip, revving you up more. With an open mind, you may also let in comments such as 'Don't be so ridiculous. Why do you have to travel so far to 'find yourself' when you're standing right here?' Then they may give out a laugh. So, on one hand you have inspirational people who push you to seek, leading you to identify yourself as 'I am a seeker', a liberating identity. On the other hand you have degrading people stopping you, leading you to the identify yourself as 'I am ridiculous and a joke'. What you identify with helps define your identity so, again, be very careful what you let in and allow to form as a belief.

Imagine you go to that ashram, when border restrictions lift and things settle. You land there as a seeker, as an adventurer. Someone in that place where you stay suggests you both go off to help kids in an orphanage. You go as 'A heartfelt giver'. You go as 'A more open minded person'. You come away with an even greater sense of natural identity. Imagine, in this case, you also come to identify as 'I am someone who is needed in this world, when it comes to making a positive difference'. Then imagine you return home to a few people who say 'You could have helped people here. Why did you have to go to help other children?' Suddenly you feel down. Something in you says 'Did you feel that?', leading you to realise you have the intuitive ability to feel people bringing you down. You become a challenger, 'I can feel what you're doing to me. Stop it'. Through your ability to feel, your self esteem rises and you develop into 'I am someone who holds the ability to feel my way through life'.

An open mind can take you just about anywhere you imagine. Feeling which people can help you along the way is key.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Daniel, it's always great to hear back from those we reply to and if I could give you a simple example, imagine walking down the street looking at clothes that are displayed in the front window and you see something that you would love to have, so you can wear to a special occasion doesn't that excite you.

So you go in and ask if you could try it on, but the sales person says they don't have your size and wouldn't be able to get any more, that really disappoints you, well relate this in wanting to meet another person, maybe her size doesn't fit you, in other words, she may appear to you that the two of you would be ideal, but she may have had more experience in dating people and knows straight away that any relationship wouldn't last and says no thank you.

That doesn't mean that there isn't anyone out there who will love you, there is, and someone will love you, just check the quiet person who may be looking at you that you haven't realised.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Hi again,

Thank you again for replying and all your advice it is much appreciated.

I want to open my mind and find my sense of belonging and basically just feel comfortable with who I am and where I come from and I understand the premise of what you have said. I have often thought about potentially going away and doing something as you mentioned to try and help find this sense of belonging.

I know its going to take time because I have let my thoughts take over for too long that I find it hard not to relapse when for example I meet a new person and I'm left feeling misunderstood and not worthy.

As I mentioned in my first post briefly, I would say I am somewhat of an introverted extrovert if that make sense whereby I am quiet in nature and the first time I meet a new person whilst I am not necessarily shy I am just not a massive extrovert and I need to sort of "warm up" before the different layers to me start to show and there is anxiety that contributes to this also that I am aware of.

But with dating in particular or even just meeting new friends, I don't know if it's the world we live in today and my generation that has affected my thinking around this (I'm 25) but there is this overwhelming pressure I feel that showing the more placid, calm and quiet natured side of me and not some big larger than life character from outset when I meet someone is wrong and I feel have to try and be something else to impress or attract someone at least for them to want to get to know me further past a first meeting.

I then find myself having tried to change the way I am and then I internally feel unnatural and self conscious and then what ensues when I am on my own at home is constant mental warfare with myself with how I need to act and what is wrong with me and why I cannot relax