Going back to the beginning
This thread will be my third one discussing my depression.
I don't understand what's going on. Beginning of this month, I started working on my condition. I'm financially unstable to afford therapy or help. So, I began looking into these forums to get tips.
I thought I was doing my best and coping. But, there were many situations where I went back to the beginning, and my whole mind went dark. For the entire week, I was optimistic and motivated. But today, it hit me again. I go into a darker place where hundreds of thoughts run in my mind, which are harmful. Once that happens, that worse thought comes back again, where I think, "it's time". I feel weak; I feel like I will not survive this. After a while, I stop feeling anxious. But, the thought still exists.
I don't know whether I can start over recovery.
Thank you again for joining us here and for starting this conversation. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable. Kind regards, Sophie M
Hello Shanthan, as you are financially unstable can I suggest you see your doctor and ask them about the 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions, I'm not sure whether you have been able to do this as yet.
If someone is at all suffering from MI, not all our days are the same, they differ from one day to the next, today might be better than yesterday or it could twice as bad and this is what we can not predict, as different situations or perhaps another trigger has surprised us and caused us to react adversely.
Medication can stablise your thoughts, but they aren't the only avenue for help, counselling needs to be organised, so please let us know about your doctor, but more so, thanks for posting your comment.
I feel for you so much as you experience the challenges of trying to constructively manage depression. To say such challenges can be tough is definitely an understatement at times. Hopefully Sophie and Geoff have offered some suggestions that may prove to be of great guidance to you.
Was wondering if going back to the beginning means going back to when it all started (in order to make better sense of it) or going back to the beginning of feeling the depression itself, kind of like the feeling of having slipped back down after so much progress.
I'm wondering if you're someone who naturally feels very deeply. If so, being your own detective/analyst/psychologist definitely comes with serious challenges. Feeling every depressing memory can become deeply depressing. With a psychologist having a degree of objectivity, to the point where they can't fully feel another person's experiences, this allows them the freedom to analyse without feelings getting in the way of analysis. I suppose an example would be when they're looking to hit on childhood memories. They may carefully bring memories to light while having a plan to help manage the feelings that come with those memories.
When trying to work out why I feel myself on the brink of depression at times, I find a part of my challenge has involved researching my memories. Trying to figure out where such depressing feelings stem from can include going back to the source. At times I've been prepared for the memories that have come up and at others times I haven't been prepared for certain revelations that have come to mind. Suddenly a depressing memory/revelation may come up which can bring me down, further. In this case the challenge also becomes about making better sense of that situation from long ago. I suppose it's a matter of the more that comes to the surface, the more work there is to do. Many memories come with feelings. To purely observe memories without feeling them so deeply can be a monumental challenge.
Do you ever find that when a depressing memory comes us you're able to suddenly see it from a different perspective? I suppose an example could involve so many people from our past treating us like garbage. While the memories that come with this can be depressing, in recalling all those times what may suddenly come to mind is 'Why was I surrounded by disrespectful inconsiderate people? What leads them to never question their own behaviour? Why am I the only one doing it? Am I more conscious?'.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. If I can say one thing - recovery is not linear. You will have good days - and bad days, and that is okay. But you may need help - can you go to your GP and seek a "mental health care plan" which entitles you to 10 free therapy sessions (through medicare). You can also contact Headspace and see what options they have, or call Beyond Blue's hotline at 1300 22 4636 for immediate support.
Mental illness is difficult and every day is not the same. But we are here for you.
All the best and stay strong,