God being lonely sucks.

[Baileysmells]

There’s this emptiness I’ve been filled with recently. My life on paper is slowly improving but I feel like I have no substance in my day to day.

I don’t find myself letting my guard down around my family. I can’t be ‘me’. So in order to feel connection and to be comfortable I search for it in relationships.

That’s where the problems start, I actually feel happy when I’m talking to or going on those first few dates with someone and I let my hopes get way out of check. When it doesn’t work out it- devastates me. I am then sent back into depression and self loathing for a few weeks.

I used to be okay with isolation, but since I started dating it feels empty. I’m just not sure how to find that sense of comfiness and warmth without a partner and I’m not sure I can. How can I cope/work on this? 

It’s weird, I’m way more confident when it’s a 1-1 conversation with anyone but add another to the mix and I’m reserved af, making meaningful friendships is hard for me. Making friends in general sounds pretty terrifying to me now that I think about it. I’ve stopped talking to my old friends since I moved to a small town. 

[james1]

Hey Baileysmells,

Thanks for your post. This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot recently as I've been single for the longest period after being in relationships almost constantly since school. 

From what you have said, it sounds like there are a few things you are trying to work on and cope with, in terms of feeling uncomfortable around family, feeling alone without a partner, and also finding it difficult to make new friends. I think these three are really hard to deal with, and when they're all hitting at once, it can make a relatively non-social life feel even more lonely.

One thing I have noticed for myself is that I feel less concerned about being single when I am spending more time with friends and family. Conversely, I was fine to spend less time with friends when I had a partner. So I think it's pretty important for everything to be in pretty good balance in case one social 'pillar' falls, so to speak.

You mentioned that finding meaningful friendships is hard for you and pretty terrifying. Is this something you have recently started to give a go, or do you have any thoughts about what you could do to help? It's harder in a small town, but I hope there are still opportunities around including your old friends.

I lost a lot of my main friendship groups about 5 years ago and had to reconsolidate a few key friendships. Since then, I've really just worked on two really key friendships, as well as a better relationship with my sister. I'm still pretty alone most of the time, but I have people who I'm really close to and that helps enough for me to live a pretty solitary life and be pretty content. 

James

[Baileysmells]

Hi thank you for posting. I have a super weird perspective on my family members, this is unknown to them but I’ve always felt a disconnect there; we weren’t friends with each other growing up. I do care for them and I know they love me but I just don’t have that sense of family if that makes sense. I feel as if I’m searching for my family still but that isn’t in a melancholic kind of way. I live with my oldest sister now and we laugh all day, I’d relate it to a life friendship.

My closest friend right now is honestly this girl I had a tinder date with, now platonic. We have fun and study together which is nice but it’s new so it isn’t that developed as of yet. I haven’t been in regular contact with any of my old friends since becoming overwhelmed with depression, I’m not better yet and I feel this pressure to be normal because I don’t want to be this person around them; I’ve also matured a lot since then and don’t even know if we’d click the same. One in particular also insists on gaming and I have a super short battery when it comes to games atm.

It’s strange too that I find myself disliking every guy that I meet. With dudes it’s like they constantly have this ego thing going for them and you can tell by being around that they have a short fuse. I guess I’m looking for a real friendship without the barriers of feeling weak for being vulnerable.

Sorry that was a lot, I’m exploring my mind as I type this. You have the right idea of nurturing a close circle of relationships, that’s the dream :’). I’m glad content is the word that comes to your mind when thinking about it. 

[sbella02]

Hey Baileysmells,

Thank you so much for posting, and I'd like to warmly welcome you to the forums. I can see that James1 has already offered some advice, I'd like to add some more.

I'm in a similar position where I'm struggling to meet new friends, so I can understand where you're coming from. Would it be a possibility to seek some part-time or casual work somewhere? At my previous workplace, the social aspect was a big part of it for me, as most of my co-workers were around my age so I found that I could get along with them relatively easily and find common interests to bond over. 

Sometimes online friends can be a great source of support. In a safe and responsible way, you can often find people with common interests and experiences on places like Discord or Reddit, and there's no real-life obligation beyond the online space. If you have gaming interests, Discord in particular can be a fantastic place to build solid friendships in this area. For me, I know that it can also be a lot easier to make friends online than in real life.

Are there any clubs or sporting associations in your town that you would be interested in joining? Clubs and groups where you can bond with people over a common interest can be great sources of social interaction and support.

I hope this is helpful advice, please feel free to continue the conversation if you'd like to, we're here to support you.

All the best, SB

[Baileysmells]

I’m doing casual work while studying atm although my boss has slowed my hours down so much I don’t even get sent a roster anymore. Unfortunately everyone there doesn’t seem like someone I’d talk to, the common guests are nice. 

I don’t want to seem like I’m shooting things down but my town is very car dependent and I’m working on my Ls still, I’ll be able to reach things then; my suburbs biggest attraction is a bunnings lol.

The thing is I have plenty of opportunities I feel like to make friends at university yet when I get there I put this shield up and become solitary. It’s been a while since I’ve been in that environment.   I long for a deeper relationship as well, I had a few too many maybes that didn’t work out recently 

I appreciate your response.

[sbella02]

Lovely to hear from you again 🙂

I understand that. Sometimes we don't necessarily gel with everybody we meet, and that's perfectly okay. Different people have different roles in our lives.

Would you feel comfortable applying for another casual job somewhere else in your town, is there anywhere you could see yourself working? I know you mentioned that your town has a Bunnings and although it was a passing comment, would somewhere like Bunnings be a viable option to apply?

I also understand what you mean about talking to people at university, it can be daunting talking to strangers. One of my friends taught me this advice: if you find it difficult to approach people, you can always try smiling at people from across the room, courtyard or wherever you happen to be. It's such a small and simple gesture but it can be a great indicator that you are friendly and approachable, which can be meaningful to somebody else if they're also seeking to form new social connections. 

Uni environments can be a great place to make friends, and you may find that there are a lot of people who are also feeling lonely and are seeking some social support. Even if you start to make a few surface-level friends, these have the potential to lead to deeper and more meaningful connections.

SB

[james1]

Hey Baileysmells,

Thanks for your reply and sorry about the delay. Sometimes I can be a bit slow to respond.

I understand what you said about your relationship with your family. I am quite disconnected from my own family, and only recently started trying to really develop my friendship with my younger sister. I actually think it's quite healthy to treat family members as friends, because your day-to-day interactions with them are often on a friends basis.

From the way you've described your friends and study, it sounds like you are a little bit younger than me. I'm 30 now, and I've also had that experience of preferring to make friends with females. I came from a boys only high school and I think I just got really tired of that experience with just way too much testosterone and competition. 

You mentioned you go to university and feel like you put up your barriers there, but there are opportunities. I made a really good set of friends at uni (sadly a break up meant I ended up losing the whole group), and three of them have stayed with me through to now. Although, two of those three have now moved overseas.

Haha, I just realised how uninspiring that sounds. I don't want to delete that though, because I think it's quite representative of the 'adult' friend making process. You'll make friends in different stages of your life, doing different things like study or hobbies, and very few stick. But I think the ones that stick are particularly good, and you just slowly develop a core set of friends that way. It's hard, and some periods are worse than others, but I think developing your social support network is a bit of an opportunistic thing. Maybe you'll meet people at uni who are fun and interesting, and it just doesn't work out. But hopefully those interactions still helped in the time to feel less lonely, and hopefully another friendship might work out instead.

James

[Baileysmells]

It’s good you still found friends in those few after the breakup, that whole thing must have been tough. 

I’m turning 21 in a less than a month, starting to go through the existential holy shid I’m an adult now stage. Gotta get used to all this stuff still, I’ve been independent for only around a year now.

I just gotta find the way to jump that barrier in social settings. I admit I was not prepared for the people side of university lmao

[Baileysmells]

Thank you, there’s not a lot around me bar from fast food and that bunnings. My ‘current’ job was alright because I got to go off on my own and complete tasks, I’m not sure how much more I could handle than that.

I’ll apply the smiling thing 🙂 that sounds straightforward. I hope I can use those opportunities soon 

[ecomama]

Hey Bailey, it's really cool you're gong to Uni! Well done you! 

I resist wanting to say you could use this Uni setting as a scenario to try out some of your strategies. 
But yes I'll say it! 

It's a perfect place to begin to move out of your "comfort zone" and let your guard down just a little. 
Thinking of any person there, who doesn't go against your gut instincts lol, as a potential friend. 
It can be the least confronting situation to do this in.
Especially when you're "forced" into doing Group projects. 
You really get to work out what type of people "vibe" with you. 

Have fun! 
EM