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Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

59 Replies 59

BballJ
Community Member

Hi james1,

Sorry to hear what you are struggling with currently, I always see your posts and replies to everyone around the forums and they are so valuable so I do hope they start back up because your insight is quite incredible and one held in high regard.

I read your post and I was drawn to something you said "I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself" I get this on such a deep level cause it happens to me so I know what you are feeling and it's such a hard thing to explain but I feel you did such a good job of it.

I'm glad you are excited to see your psychologist as well, I know it get's daunting at times and you get those mental blocks but I like to think thats the psychologist challenging you for something you weren't 100% ready for and that isn't a bad thing either.

My best for you,

Jay

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello James

So sorry that you are in such a difficult place. I don't remember having this experience so it's a little difficult to fully understand the pain you are going through. I think it must be frustrating and scary. It's good that your psychologist has recognised how you feel and has taken steps to help you.

Although I suspect this is not what you are experiencing I have at times felt invisible to others and it has been quite a disconcerting event.

Like Jay I have read your posts to others. I think the people who you post to must find them very helpful. I have not seen you around just lately, which may simply be because we have posted in different threads. Does it help to post here at the moment? It is a contact that you have control over, a place to express yourself through writing while you work on returning to your normal state of being.

As I wrote that I had a bit of a chuckle at writing 'normal'. After all, what does that mean for any of us? Perhaps I should have said your usual state of being. If it is helpful please keep writing. I would like to think you can get past this feeling with your psychologist's help.

Mary

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi James,

Vent as much as you want. Sometimes it's good to get things out of your system even if you're not 100% sure what your struggle is...

Similar to Mary, I feel as thouugh you're talking about something that I probably haven't had firsthand experience in. The closest that I've experienced were (brief) periods of emotional numbness and indifference but I feel like that's not what you're experiencing.

Jay has a better understanding of what you're going through so it's great that he has jumped on board to support you. Shoutout to Jay!

I realise that I'm oversimplifying and probably way off the mark but you sound very emotionally disconnected from others (and possibly from yourself too). It must be very unsettling to feel this way.

Hopefully your meetings with your psych will help you get to the bottom of things or at least help you navigate these tricky waters.

Here for you (even if my understanding is rather limited).

Dottie x

P.S. I agree with Jay and Mary that you make thoughtful and perceptive contributions on the forums. Like them, I so appreciate your presence here!

In saying that, you gotta take care of no. 1- don't stress about posting less on others' threads when your own plate is full.

Oxygen mask on self before the next person, k?

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Jay,

Thanks for the reply. I've seen your comments to others and I'm always super impressed by the empathy you show to them, and now to me.

I think you're spot on when you said I'm not ready for everything my psychologist gently prods and she leaves the silence hanging to give me the opportunity to speak or not which is probably a good thing.

Hi Mary,

I suppose we all have our own little struggles and even when we can't grasp exactly what we're all feeling, we understand bits and pieces. But most importantly we understand the struggle.

I actually quite like the word "normal", haha. I think we each have some idea of what "normal" looks like and it doesn't matter that we may have different ideas. But yes, I think you're right in thinking that by and large, we're all just trying to get back to being at a "normal" state of being.

Posting...I want to stop short of saying it helps because I think I have too high expectations of what help looks like. But certainly having replies is nice.

Hey Dottie,

Thanks as always for replying. I know I can count on you, and the others here on the forums.

Thank you for trying to understand. I don't even understand it really. I had a dream last night where a friend of mine who I haven't seen for three years had two heads, and interestingly they were of two different backgrounds. But anyway. He had two heads and they had full on conversations with each other, and with me. When I asked how he got two heads, he said he got hit in the head and then his heart - yes, I clarified and it was indeed his heart not his brain - got split in two. And that's how he got two heads.

I think we all get weird dreams from time to time and it's nothing really to be upset or worried about. But when you wake from a very unreal dream to your actual world, and the actual world feels just as unreal as the two-headed friend who split his heart...that's when you lose touch.

James

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jay~

Your words touched me, they came out though your bubble and sent me back to another time when I was mostly someone else.

When my PSTD reached crisis point and before going into hospital I was in your place, though I could not describe it as well. Hot coffee, steaming black and bitter crossed the threshold and entered my world. It was sharp and real. I kept having more, not from thirst, or if thirst then thirst for something else. Other than that it was like a plate glass window with all on the other side - me included if that makes sense. I was a sort of unformed consciousness cut off. My likes/dislikes, thoughts about my feelings, even dislike or love, were alien, not present not understood.

I suspect such was a protective measure and as time went on I, uncertainly at first, started to re-connect. I started to know things like I had loved, even though the actual feeling was still absent, then later the feeling itself started to return.

Now, until you spoke, that period in my life had been put away in the draw of discards.

If you have my fortune the bubble will, in patches, then more, dissolve away.

Your posts everywhere are thought provoking and to the point. Others, myself included, gain from your presence.

Croix

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi James,

No worries at all. Back at you, k? You've been there for me more times than I can count.

Ah, thanks for elaborating. I think that I'm starting to get a (slightly) better understanding of your headspace. It must be so disorienting and unsettling to not seem to have a grasp on, well, anything really. I feel like you're maybe feeling as though you're neither here nor there. Kind of like in you're in an unreality.

Maybe Croix's words, "I was sort of unformed consciousness cut off", is something you find relateable.

Dottie x

BballJ
Community Member

Hi James1,

I'm glad you agree with what my thought was, it does make more sense when you say it, just keep going mate and you'll come around, we all have these dark days and we all relate to them on a great level, stay positive.

Always here to talk.

My best,

Jay

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Croix,

Thank you for the reply and sharing your own experience. Your words do strike surprisingly close.

I suppose I can only hope that if I keep seeing my psychologist, keep talking, keep trying to just... not do what I'm inclined to do, really, then hopefully I will also reconnect.

James

Hey James

I know you dont feel strong right now, but you are.

You are doing everything so well. Pro-active as usual.

This bubble can be burst James. You can tell me to take a long walk off a short pier no worries, but can I ask you when you have cried like a baby to your counselor?

It hurts and feels weird, tiring and embarrassing but its a giant leap forward to recovery 🙂

You come first here James. You have always cared for so many including me...Its your turn now

my kindest thoughts for you James

Paul