Forgiveness used to be my strength

[SubduedBlues]

Once upon a time, the source of my light left me and she broke my spirit. When my spirit broke, she ceased being the light and became darkness. Now my ex has manifested herself as the dark shadow my despair.
Last week that evil dark shadow hath descended upon our house.  That malignant despair has infiltrated the family home and taken root. The happy home of my children communing together in harmony has been dispersed. When they get home from school, the immediately vanish into the safety of their rooms. Their doors closed, that shadow of despair kept at bay.
Our home is now quiet, so deathly quiet.  There is no conversation to be heard.  No laughter.  No joy. 

I feel so down, beyond blue, it's now black.

It's so very cold. For even hope has gone home. And I find myself so very alone. I would want someone to help me, if I though someone could. But I know, no one is coming, I know no one would. I am alone tonight, as I will be tomorrow. As that witch of despair tightens her grip upon me. I must break free from this woman. But she puts me down, she pulls me down, she keeps me down. I can't hold the grudge, it takes too much energy, I forgive her. I hate me. D'

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Neil_1]

Dear "D"

Powerful post - really powerful.

Your finisher though is something to address.

My opinion on this is the very opposite of what you wrote and with a slight twist.  To forgive her (and I'm assuming that this is "your own" Black Dog) is something I cannot do.  I despise my black dog and wished I'd never encountered it.  It's a mongrel with massive jaws and razor sharp teeth and it's almost ever controlling.  For that, I cannot forgive it and have never thought too.

But "D", please please don't be hating yourself.  Hate your black dog;  and we've got to get your thinking positively about yourself.  Not only do you need to LIKE yourself, but you need to LOVE yourself.  Love yourself for who you are.

You are dealing with a major depressive illness and yet, you still survive, you have children and you exist.  Positives aplenty there.  (Gee, if only I could listen to my own advice, Neil says here in a moment of own self-thought).

But this is about you "D" and the mongrel is there pulling at you, but you have to use all your strength to rise above it and come out the other side.  When I say "other side" I'm just meaning a small goal here - and that's to get out of bed tomorrow and to exist again.  Go outside and if it's sunny, enjoy the warmth on your being and listen to the birds - damnit, even listen to the traffic - it's all good signs.   Look at the clouds and see what different forms/shapes they take.  It's all good.

You know also, having a quiet home at night time can be a pretty good thing.  If the children are quiet in their rooms - well they're obviously occupied and happy doing whatever it is they're doing.  Surely they can come out whenever they feel the need too, but if not, then just be content in knowing that they are safe in their rooms and more than likely doing something that occupies and keeps them happy.

I always check on that with my two children.  As long as they're happy and have things to do - and are content - then that helps me inside enormously as well.

Now I've done another fair rant of words again - but I hope something I've said has helped, possibly a little bit.

I would love to hear back from you again though.

Kind regards

Neil

[Sea-n-sky]

Hi D,

Yours was a powerful post indeed.

What concerns me is that you say your children come home from school and immediately retreat to their rooms.

I wonder if you believe that it is you that is making them do that.

It is very likely, that they are doing that for some other reason altogether.

Have you by any chance asked them why, sat down and discussed things with them.

Have you told them how you are feeling ?

I just have a sense that they, or you, or both, may be experiencing a major misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the real situation.

Do they have computers in their rooms ? Is that what is attracting so much of their time?

I think you really do have to communicate with them much more than you currently appear to be doing. Maybe even get  a bit "groovy", yeah, shake it up a bit, "get with it", that sort of thing. They may think you've gone right "off your trolley" so to speak - but it might just make them laugh in your presence. If they do that, laughter is highly infectious and you are likely to resort to it yourself. That would pay dividends - don't you think ? At least you'll be happy for a while. After that, you just have to work on being happy again, and again, and again. Hopefully, that will progressively become easier each time.

Don't give up hope under any circumstances at all.

I feel the solution to your misfortune lies in them, (your children) perhaps more so, or at least as much as anywhere else.

Somehow you must find a way to communicate,  and fully inter - react with them again.

Kids can make you laugh - sometimes even, they just can't help it, so you have to encourage that somehow -  and certainly do nothing to prevent it.

It's just a sense that I have, - regarding your situation.

I hope you at least give it some thought.

Finally, you said :- " No one is coming to help you ".

That's not right. We are here for you now, doing what we can to help.

 In cyber space perhaps, but that's ok, we are real people, and we are here manning our keyboards, just like you are. !!!!!!

Kindest Regards

Sea-n-sky.

[CMF]

I'm assuming your ex wife has done or said something again?  what is it that makes you forgive her and hate yourself? you don't have to hold a grudge but you also don't have to accept her behaviour if that's what it is.

[Snoman]

Hey D'

I like your writing style.

Be True

The title of this thread pulled me in.  I believe I lost my way when I worked for a company where the management had ethics completely different from mine.  I found out it is impossible to happily live without being true to yourself.

If forgiveness was your strength, then forgiveness is still your strength.  You need to be true to who you are.  For your own mental health.

Forgive your ex - she knows not what she does

I think you need to reassess what it means to you to forgive your ex.  As CMF said, you don't have to accept her behaviour.  You don't have to retreat.  You can forgive your ex, be yourself, accept that that might annoy her, and don't buy into her rants.

Here's hoping she leaves again soon.

Sno

[SubduedBlues]

Morning hath come. I survived the night. Why am I cursed to live another day? Have I not seen enough darkness? Have I not felt enough despair? O' I am so tired of this life, but I must get up and make the best this miserable day.

Arise and awaken beneath the blast of a hot morning shower. The water stings my flesh, but still I feel the cold in my bones of a life passed me by. Put on a happy face, smile for the kids. 

Bury my frustration, hide away desperation. Wish them good morning; even though in my heart it feels like a lie. To work do I go, sit down at my desk. Stare into the keyboard, I know what needs doing, but the thoughts are all scrambled. Think straight not this past week, this past month, not at all. I am too over stressed. I need a break from this life, it's too much, I can't stand it.

Oh look, BB has posted my thread, it's the same, but it's different. Its reading is not as down as when I wrote it. It is actually quite up beat compared to today. 

No Neil, I cannot hold a grudge against her;  too hard. Even though I know she's abusive, I forgive her. It's not physical mind you, it's emotional abuse. She left our marriage, she's played that card. I should of moved past this, but marriage is for life, or it's supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to move on. But I'm paralyzed by the fear of 'what will happen to my kids if I am not here?'

Logic says they'll be fine, they get home before me. Check in on them when I get home each day, to see that they are ok. Sea-n-sky, they tell that me they've come straight to their room; they justify with homework, or watching movies. But when I why they're not doing it down stairs like before, it's because 'mum is back in the house,' and they ask 'Why is she here?' and, 'When is she leaving?' 

Maybe a month, maybe it's more. Would that be a problem? 'it sucks, dad, tell her to go.' I smile and shrug and say that'd be nice, but she owns half the house and I cant afford to buy her out. If push came to shove, I'd have to sell up and we move into a smaller place that costs more. And you'd have to go back to sharing a room.

Then they see the tear in my eye, and ask what's the matter. I smile and hug them, and tell them it's OK. For I can't burden them with my woes, it would not be fair. They have their lives to live, they need not be worried by mine. I may have failed as a husband, but I will not as a father. I may hate who I am, and what my life has become. But I love who they are, and they are why I am.

D'

[Sea-n-sky]

Thanks for that D,

May I just say, I don't think you have failed as a husband, but perhaps your wife has failed as a mother.

Clearly you are a devoted father - which is all that you really need to be under the circumstances.

In reading your post, it seems your children agree.

You are dedicated to them and it seems they are equally dedicated to you.

That's a pretty large positive it seems. Indeed even more, it is huge. Something to work on for sure.

I wonder if your children would really mind very much, if they found themselves having to share a room together. They might well agree it's a worthwhile compromise - they may be delighted, in fact.

A good learning experience for them as well, for that is what life is - it's always a compromise. A bit of give here, and a bit of take there. Swings and roundabouts !!.

I feel sure they'll understand what that is.

On the one hand you are down, but on the other you have so much going for you, that relationship you have with your kids. That must be a wonderful thing.

Now that is a real positive, - for sure.

You just cannot argue about that. 

I hope this brightens you up a bit - it certainly should do.

That will be success if it does, and one thing we all know, is that success breeds success. That's the process you've started, and it is the process you have only to continue.

Keep it up - for, " Tomorrow is a lovely day."

Kindest regards, & Keep posting,

Sea-n-sky.

[geoff]

dear D', this feeling is just so terrible, you can't hide it from your kids, because they know the despair and sadness, the grief and sorrow in you, they do know but are too frightened to show it with you, but they want to open up to you, just as you do with them, this hidden love, relationship and understanding is there, they just want the bubble to burst and for you to cry to your hearts content, so that then can do exactly the same.

It's now time to crack the father figure and to come to terms that your kids feel exactly the same as you, they want to share your grief and annoyance, just as they want you to share the same with them. 

Please take the mask off for you and also for them, you all feel the same, and by doing this isn't losing your status as dad, it just puts you on a level with them. Geoff.

[Asche]

How old are you children, exactly? 

I can understand how it might feel imperative as a father to hide the horrors of the world from your children or to keep up the pretence of being super-dad. I get it, I do. And I agree. But there's a certain point where protecting your children becomes a matter of sheltering. You can't hide everything from them. You can try, but they might well end up blundering off and confronting it on their own as they grow up. And then they won't know to come to you for help because you've never shown them that you've gone through that, that there's something you could do to help them.

I'm not about to tell you how to parent your own children. I don't know what they're like and I'm definitely not qualified to make that decision. But I think there's something to be said about being open on subjects like these, if only because it means you'll be able do it on your own terms, rather than fate's.

And who knows? Maybe they'll even understand a little. Sometimes that's all you really need. Just someone who understands.

[CMF]

d'

she walked out on your marriage. Where did she go? why is she back? I know the house is half hers but I think if you end a marriage then decisions need to be made re the future. A person cannot walk in and out as they please.  I understand you   can't afford to pay her out but i agree with sea n sky it may be better to have the kids share a room than live with a black cloud over them and you. Also it's not necessarily a 50/50 split if the kids are living with you maybe you would get more than 50% especially as she left the marriage. Perhaps legal advice is needed here.