Feeling very up and down.

[Quaver]

Hi guys, 

So I've recently been diagnosed with depression after telling people I've felt down for a few months.  I wanted to get onto it quickly before it became worse but basically I knew something wasn't right because I had the gut feeling that wasn't just feeling depressed for a short time.  This was something I've never felt before, just overwhelming sadness.  At first it just kind of came on and I didn't know where it came from because I don't have anything that's really missing from my life which the made me feel kind of selfish because there's so many people with way worse problems than me.  But as I started therapy it came to me that there are a few triggers that I hadn't really acknowledged and while it was a relief to discover them, it hit me more that there is a reality that I'm feeling.  I'm on my way to getting through the list of values the psychologist wants me to aim for but I guess the main issue is stopping hating myself and forgiving myself for the smallest mistakes.  There is a lot of small things that are going on in my head that are causing me to feel this way too, it's a bit complicated to mention on here.  I'm doing ok, I have good days when I'm with friends and family and do things.  But the gut feeling is still there so that's my main aim at this point.

[james1]

Hello Quaver,

Thanks for your post. It was a sad, but I think a hopeful post too, to hear your reflections on how you have been trying to manage these feelings. I suppose that's reflected in your thread title that it's been quite up and down.

I am glad to hear you have support in your psychologist and are working with them, as depression is really hard to tackle on your own. I've been with my psychologist for years now, and I think while I probably could've stopped the sessions a while ago, I really value still having them. I hope you will also continue to find your psychologist just as helpful.

If you'd like to talk about anything specific, or even just to have this thread free for you to jump back on later at some point, we're here for you.

James

[Quaver]

Thanks for replying james1.  Yeah I know it is hard, at the beginning I always thought I shouldn't be asking for help because I've never been like that but I knew I had to because as I said this was a different feeling.  I'm still going to work and doing extra-curricular activities because I feel like just doing nothing wouldn't achieve anything, but more recently it's actually been more feeling just nothing, not happy not sad not anything.  But yeah, I hope that I can be somewhat improve my feelings at this point.  I know I may not ever be truly happy especially with myself, my self perception is very hard to change at the moment but I do know, despite my loathing of getting help I know I need to be.

[james1]

Hey Quaver,

I absolutely understand what you said about thinking you shouldn't be asking for help. It is a sentiment I have heard from a lot of people on the forums, and something I still come up against myself. So it's really great that you've posted here about all this because it's definitely something that many people also struggle with, but also struggle to tell others about.

It's really interesting what you say about maybe never truly feeling happy with yourself and self perception being very hard to change. Knowing my own experience, there's a lot of truth in that statement. I suppose that kind of self-contentment may seem like a completely different world to where you are now, just in the way that 'not being depressed' seemed so far fetched to me 6 years ago. So I am glad to hear that you do have hope that you can improve your feelings from where they are now, because I think that bit of hope is often enough for where we are at. Perhaps our worldview shifts over time and end goals can become a bit clearer the further we get. There's probably a fair bit of truth in the old saying about counting your chickens and taking things one step at a time, particularly if those early steps are tough.

[therising]

Hi Quaver

I wish someone had told me years ago 'Once you wake up to the fact you can feel everything, life's going to become seriously challenging'. This definitely would have fast tracked me through and beyond a whole stack of confusion and depressing periods. Being surrounded by other 'feelers' or 'sensitives' (people who are sensitive enough to also feel quite easily), would have made life a heck of a lot easier, leading me to far less self doubt. To offer an example: You can be in a room full of people when someone says something that brings you down and when you say 'That comment's depressing' you can be met with everyone insisting on you being 'too delicate' or 'too sensitive'. You can start to think 'What's wrong with me?'. In a room full of other feelers though, when the trigger comment is made you all look at each other knowingly. You all know you felt exactly the same down shift at the same time. There's no doubt what that person said was a downer.

It's interesting, once I began to gain a really good feel for all my triggers, I was led to realise 'My gosh, I have a massive amount of triggers'. Can sense/feel a shut down, a put down, a rise to inspiration. Can feel a sense of joy, excitement or a relaxed feeling from a perfume (aka aroma therapy). Can power up through the energy of certain music or can power down through it. Can feel no one making a positive difference to me when I'm experiencing a significant down period or seriously depressing lack of energy. Feeling no one doing anything to make a difference definitely has a feel to it. Can feel my internal dialogue, where it's coming from (light or dark) and the speed at which it's happening. Internal dialogue at hyper speed has quite a significant vibe to it (can be anxiety inducing). Can feel my nervous system screaming 'That's way too much coffee for you princess!'. Can feel someone open up an old psychological wound in me, which can lead me to a sense of wonder. On and on it goes.

I used to think 'What's wrong with me?' until I realised basically I'm a feeler and that's not my fault, it's my ability. After that, the challenge becomes about how to master this ability like a pro and have it work to our advantage. Feeling the deep need to emotionally detach from someone who's seriously bringing you down is just one of many advantages. Such people can be seriously draining.