Crying

[Miss_Out]

I cry every day for the life I should have had. I am the single mother of two teenagers. Their abusive father left me 10 years ago for someone better, then on breaking up with her killed himself leaving a letter blaming me, his mother also blames me.

I am ugly, I have lost 50kg but ugly is to the bone, hey. I have been unable to establish new relationships as I am not what all the men want..

I live in a small community and the stigma of being a single mother is always there plus so much gossip and assumption of things that are not true.

I am also a professional, to my clients I seem happy and upbeat, able to solve all problems,but on the inside I am crying,hoping for someone to help me with my problems. I am just so alone in the world.

 I have some good friends, but they rely on me a lot and dont understand how lonely I am as they all have people who love them, and are not hideously ugly like me.

I feel constant envy for people who manage to be happy and loved although they hurt people' lie and cheat. I want bad to come to them and good for me. I am not perfect but surely I do not deserve a life sentence of misery.

I tried to get help today, my GP is booked out for 1 week, and my clinical psychologist is booked out for 2 weeks. There is no psychiatry in my area, the closest being over an hour away...I feel so alone and isolated, and only stay alive for my boys...I need help SSRI's are not working

 I am afraid for my own future

[Damien]

Hello Miss,

Advice is not the better part of support here, you have obviously been doing what you know you need must to support your health and right now it isn't helping.  I live in a regional centre which while not a small town (about 23,000 I think) is 400 km from "the city" and lacking in all sorts of things beyond GP and a hospital.  Psych is fly-in-out and otherwise non-existent apart from a long long waiting list.  Like you doctors can be booked weeks in advance.

My experience is similar to yours, which is why I cannot offer advice.  I understand that you are stuck, for the moment.

What I can offer, and I know others on here offer too, is understanding and company. You are important and obviously valued by your friends and clients, yet your pain is invisible to them.  But it's not invisible here, your readers here see, know, and understand.

I'm not going to touch on your self-denigration, it's not for me to question how ugly you are, (although I would say that ugly goes to the bone only in character, not in looks).  But please, having vented and had your vent acknowledged, look up from here and try to find the positive.  Positive is not just the opposite of the negative, look for those unrelated things that are gold in your life.  You have raised your kids alone, you have stood against the lies of your ex-husband and the blame of your ex-in-laws and even though they hurt you and you're down now you're not out...so that shows strength even in a small part.

You are valued and noticed: don't think otherwise.  🙂

[Marley]

Hi Miss Out

i feel so bad for you and my heart wrenches thinking what you are going through.  How horrible of your husband to be so cruel by blaming you.  I know it is hard but you need to tell yourself he is responsible for his own actions, you didn't make him do anything.

Is it possible to move and live somewhere else?   I know you probably don't want to but sometimes living in small communities can be so bitchy when things like this go on.

as for hiding it from friends, I do the same thing but I've slowly tried to reveal that I have/had depression and anxiety issues but a little bit more subtle with different words, like I find it hard to deal or cope with situations.  I shouldn't have to do that but I feel embarrassed and wonder what they will think.

I also feel envy of people who seem so happy, have lots of friends and family that seem to care about them.  My family always seem to be whining about each other.  I feel like I have acquaintances rather than friends even though I have known them for many years....

Make those appointments and just try and take each day as it comes until you can talk to your GP.  

I wish you all the best.  Go for a drive in the country and lay on the ground looking up at the sky, in the beautiful bushland and listen to the birds.  Just appreciate the wonderful country we live in for an hour or so to try and have some time out....I find it helps to appreciate the free things of nature sometimes to try and forget about my issues.

Marley

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Roald Dahl, The Twits:
If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

Also, when you're gazing fixedly into someone's eyes because of how enrapturing they are, all you get of the rest of them is a vague blur - wrinkles just melt away!

And that's the requisite sense of romantic whimsy taken care of for one post, I think.

Population would be in a right sorry state if anyone had to be what all the men want =|

Is there still stigma about single mothers?  We must be going backwards.  Time was, all the cool kids had divorced parents.

Have you talked to your friends about this stuff, or you haven't tried because they're.. too loved to understand?  If they *are* well-versed in love, they could give you pointers!  All those Tony-Robbins-type motivational dudes say you're supposed to hang out with successful people and learn from them.  They're usually talking about getting rich, but it probably works for anything.

[geoff]

hello, people in depression always think in a negative way, and I'm sure that you doing an injustice to yourself. It doesn't matter there is always someone for everybody, such as guys or girls who are skinny there is someone waiting for them, OK I know you are saying OK but where are they, yes good point, it will happen eventually, I often ask myself why don't I have a girlfriend, but it's probably because I live strange hours, the complete reversal to the 'normal' person's life.

Your husband did the wrong thing by leaving you and the your sons, just to have a fling, and obviously that may not have worked out.

It was his decision and there shouldn't be any reason to blame you, and his mother needed an excuse to justify why he did it, and that's totally wrong.

Have you clicked onto 'get support' at the top of this page, where you may find a doctor who can see you, I know that you are an hour away, but sometimes doctors visit towns once a week, and this link maybe able to inform whether there is someone or not. Please get back to us and take care. L Geoff. x

[Mum1965]

Hi Miss Out,

I know it may be easier said than done, but you need to stop telling yourself that you're ugly. Ugly is an ugly word. I'm sure others do not see you that way. You need to do something nice for yourself, and be gentle and positive with yourself as you are with others.

Try to stop worrying about what others think about you. Gossip can be very damaging, but it is someone else's problem - not yours. Yes, the stigma is sad, but in this day and age, almost everyone has some form of stigma or label, and no one has the right to judge you. Just get on with your own life and leave the gossip-mongers to their boring sad lives.

Whether you are a single mother or not, you are a good mother and trying very hard to keep your family together. Don't stop trying to get the counselling you need. Time can be very frustrating, but it can also be your ally. Are your children requiring counselling too? Are you getting grief support or counselling relating to the suicide of your ex-partner and their father?

If you are in Victoria/Melbourne, you can call Support After Suicide on 03-9421 7640. They have two offices - Richmond and Dandenong.

There is also a national number for 'Suicide Callback Service' on 1300 659 467, where you can get six (6) 50-minute phone counselling sessions. This may suit you better, and more readily available.

Just call/talk to someone. And I hope that you can try to talk and be honest with your friends about how you are feeling. As for your (ex)mother-in-law, she is also suffering in her grief, and wants to blame something. However, this should not be your burden. Deal with your own problems.

I hope you realise that you are not alone. Thank you for coming on here and sharing your story. I hope it helps for you to talk here.

Good luck with your pending counselling sessions.

Give yourself time, and take care of you. X

[Mark_098]

Dear Miss Out,

it is sad to see that even though your ex-partner managed to go on and have another failed relationship, and then kill himself, you are still having to cop the blame for mistakes and life choices that you haven't actually had the power to make decisions over, how does that work??

By reading your post I think you are an attractive person already. Yes looks are a part of the decision making process when trying to find a partner, but everything gets taken into account.  There are many people out there who are good looking individuals (not me haha 🙂 ) who possess very ugly character traits. which ones you ask? take your pick...

You should be proud of you two beautiful sons and remind yourself that you are an attractive and warm person who has the world to offer the next Mr Right who you happen to meet eye contact with just around the corner.

Don't carry everyone elses mistakes during life. Our own are enough 🙂

It's a shame your medication isn't working at the moment... Hopefully Your two teenagers are okay as well, and that maybe you could lean on them a little bit for some distractive therapy (outings/laughter) whilst you wait for your next appointment?

My thoughts are with you and your kids.  I lost my brother to suicide 7 years ago and I know about the associated feelings that can be left behind for everyone else, so I have a pretty good idea how your boys and you must feel at times.

Hope this puts a smile on your dial 🙂

Mark.

[Miss_Out]

Thank you so much, I know this is not my fault, my next appointment is in a week, then I am moving on to  psychiatric help the following week. I have thought about how I would reply to my post if I had read it instead of written it..my response would be " It is not your fault, and people project their guilt onto others"

I have found amazing support from my friends (interestingly not the health professionals), and am not as isolated as I think. 

As for the teenagers, they will be teenagers and may improve within the next 20 years, thank you Mark

[Miss_Out]

Thank you Damien.

It is hard to find help in the country, I am seeing my psychologist next week and skyping with a psychiatrist the following week. It is hard to get help quickly, unless you harm yourself and become admitted to a psych hospital. 

I have found amazing support through some friends. I am really a lucky girl in some ways

[Damien]

Hi Miss Out,

I had a "telemed" with my Psychiatrist today, 30 minute link to the city.  It's great that this happens, but also frustrating that it needs to, and still does not alleviate the need to see someone in person.  At least looking at a TV screen it felt like a table chat.

In that conversation my dose of SSRI was doubled  so I need to see GP to confirm, (yeah, good luck with that...). 

I'm pleased you've found some local friends, that's great news and I hope it will be a great help too.  Sometimes someone (anyone!!) to talk to is all that is needed, so well done to you for sticking it through and finding that sort of help.

Bless.