Bored, lost and alone

[malsatree]

Hi

For years I believed I was depressed. I’m not sure when it started so I’ve always just said it started when my dad killed himself but I’m not sure. I don’t really remember much about my life I feel like my brain has locked a lot of my memories away. What I do remember is spending all my time outside of school in my room on my computer away from my family and all my time in school worrying about popularity and ‘coolness’. I was completely numb for what i can remember of my younger life except for little spurts of rage that would bubble over the surface for the stupidest of reasons. A lot of that started to change in my last years at school. I had gotten fed up with myself and my thought patterns and I decided to try and make some changes and it helped. It wasn’t until I had my first girlfriend that I thought I had properly changed. I was feeling so good to finally have someone to share everything with and i thought I had beaten it. and then not even 2 months after we broke up I could barely remember anything about our relationship. Now I’ve spent almost a whole year after graduating doing almost nothing and almost all year that numbness has been creeping back up. A lot of the time I’ll really wanna do something but I’ll end up staring at a wall blankly mouth breathing like an idiot left wondering how much worth his life has because he’s done nothing with it and he’s wasting it away

I’m not too sure what the purpose of this post is but it feels good to write stuff I’d recommend it. Have a nice day/night

[Croix]

Dear Malsatree~

Welcome here to the Forum, it's a good move as you will get the benefit of other people's experiences, and that may well help.

Please be aware that the following may cause distress, if you think it might just skip it all.

It may be that your current condition doing nothing, poor memory, with numbness creeping back, and outbursts of anger could well have started when you father took his life.I'm not a doctor so cannot say for certain but suggest it is something that does need to be looked at.

I freely admit I may be on the wrong track however the options below are just as good even if it is something else.

A father taking his life is an enormous thing, often too much to handle at the time. The effects can change one's outlook and trust in life. Sadly it sounds as if at the time you distanced yourself from others in your family using your computer. Self protection perhaps.

May I ask if you were given counseling or medical support at the time?

Later you started to reach out to others again, this time with a girlfriend, a relationship that sadly ended too.

Given this it may be understandable you see might little point in things and sit staring.

Suicide bereavement is something that can manifest in many ways, not all obvious, and I'd like to suggest at least starting to get some professional advice.

My first choice -if you are under 25 - is the
Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800)
and my second the
Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

I've found both to be very helpful, knowledgeable and sensible wihtout false expectations. You can talk to them more than once and there are there in part, for people who have lost those close to them though suicide. They also have web-chat options.

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/
https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Do you think this is something you might like to do? (I apologize if you have already done so)

Another way could be to book a long consultation with a GP and explain how things are.

I'd also ask if there is anyone in your life, family member or friend, you can talk to about how you feel and how you are reacting to life? In the circumstances you describe when going it all alone it would be very easy to blame yourself as 'lazy' or 'unsatisfactory' or similar - quite undeserved. Others may assist you gain a different perspective

I hope you come back and we talk some more

Croix

[Whysosad]

Hi malsatree, I totally understand being bored and lonely. I think the way this world is , so called modern technology is making life lonely for so many people. Computes replacing people. In a strange way knowing others are feeling lonely , bored makes me feel a little better, so thankyou for being so open and honest. 🤗

[malsatree]

Hi Croix

Thankyou so much for your reply. I’d like to preface this by saying that I am currently happy even though I do have feelings creeping back sometimes, when I wrote the post I was having a bad day and wanted to vent.

To answer your questions, no at the time I didn’t go to any counselling although I had a couple sessions last year where I was able to briefly talk about my past and get advice. I also don’t feel I need to call any helplines because I know I don’t want to kill myself. I used to have passing thoughts about that but I knew how useless they were so my brain stopped manifesting them. Lastly while I do believe professional help to be extremely important, I have always just counselled myself and Im pretty bad at expressing my feelings in words. I have talked about my depression with my family and it was definitely a step in the right direction however it’s not like I actively seek out their opinion on every negative feeling I have.

Again Thankyou so much for your reply I really appreciate the effort you put into it. It’s wonderful to know that there is this community here where you are able to express yourself without fear of judgement which is honestly quite rare these days.

[malsatree]

Hi Whysosad

Thanks for your reply. I totally agree that technology is separating people even though it connects us all. It also makes me feel a lot better knowing there’s someone else out there going through similar struggles. It’s just like in school when you and your friend both didn’t do your homework but you feel ok because your friend is right there with you.

[geoff]

Hello Malsatree, a good comment.

I wonder how people try and counsel themselves when they are struggling, trying to sort out any problems that have suddenly arisen, or perhaps plagued them for quite a while, well could this be most people, probably so, but we only try and sort it out the way we think it should be, and not the way that would be suggested by another person, capable of dealing in these types of situations.

If you and your friend didn't do your homework, then the two of you will justify this, whereas the higher authorities won't agree with your thoughts, so I wonder who is in the right and who is wrong.

There may be feasible reasons why it wasn't completed, but no matter how much you try and justify this has to be explained to your teacher, they are the ones you have to convince to satisfy because you can keep telling yourself that you have every reason why it wasn't completed and go around in circles, which will leave you feeling numb.

If you are having problems, then talk with a counsellor, you might only need a couple of sessions, but it's to stop this numb feeling and for you to take another step forward.

Geoff.

[Anonanon]

I agree with you there, we are all very connected yet out of touch. It's so simple to pick up the phone and speak to someone yet ppl scroll on Facebook staring at strangers. It's baffling to me.