Every day is different. Some days I am completely numb - I go about my
day in a haze, doing what I need to, speaking when I'm spoken to, even
laughing along with a joke, but mostly just floating along without
knowing how I got here or what has been h...
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Every day is different. Some days I am completely numb - I go about my
day in a haze, doing what I need to, speaking when I'm spoken to, even
laughing along with a joke, but mostly just floating along without
knowing how I got here or what has been happening for the last 10
minutes. I automatically do what I'm meant to, and then go to sleep.
Other days life sucks. My chest feels like there is a balloon inside it,
pressing against my ribs, trying to burst out. My arms and legs are
restless like they are waiting for something to happen. I feel angry or
sad or scared or all three at once, for no reason. I can't stand the
sight of people but desperately want them to see me, be near me, but
please don't touch me or I might scream or cry or break apart in to
dust. I force myself to breath. Then sometimes there are the days that
don't stand out - everything is so light and easy that it isn't until
the end of the day when I notice the absence of fear, pain, numbness.
Those days don't come very often. I saw a movie once where someone said
that madness can often be a choice. You can choose to let yourself fall
in to the abyss, or you can keep fighting it. I understand what that
means now - it would be so so SO easy to just slip right down in to my
mind, to cry and scream and throw things, to become hysterical and numb
at the same time, to mutter and forget that the world carries on around
you and you need to just keep up. So I try to keep up. I've never seen a
GP or counceller or psychologist. I've never been suicidal, though I do
think about it sometimes. I don't want drugs and I don't think just
talking about it to a stranger will make me better (yet here I am on the
interwebs...) This is just how my life is, and I don't know any
different. But I do want to know if I am alone? I hope so, because it
breaks my heart to think anyone else could feel this way. ~ Sez