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Battling Depression. I can't handle it anymore!!

Paul12345
Community Member

Hi all,

My name is Paul. I am a 48 year old male and I am having a really hard time with my depression. I have been unemployed now for over 2 years since the last paying job. Times are tough and the bills have hit the roof. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and have been able to manage my depression for about 18 months. The last 6 months however I can not sleep more than 3 hours at a time, I get anxiety about my future, I am not eating properly, I think dark thoughts that are uncontrollable and that scares me and finally I have come to the point of being suicidal, but just don't have the balls to do it!! I am losing my mind and my resolve to handle this naturally and may need medication to get me through this. I don't like medicating myself. I don't have ANY faith in the pharmaceutical companies and their placebo agendas to rape the world of money for NO CURE!! As you can see I am broken. Life has broken me badly and now I want out. I don't go out anymore and feel very uncomfortable around other people.

It is however good to vent and get it off your chest. This is the therapy I have used to get me by for the last 18 months of my 2 year hiatus. I am a majorly qualified individual and have 143 IQ. I am no idiot!! This makes me borderline insane and depression bring it out in me. I feel better to get all this off my chest. Thanks for letting me make your ears bleed, but this is what is going on in my head. Dark times indeed!!!

12 Replies 12

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Paul

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too

I really feel your pain and understand what you have been going through. I have had acute anxiety since 1983 and then depression from 1996....its an absolute mongrel of an illness Paul...I hear you.

You are spot on with venting....one of the best coping mechanisms that many people dont practice.

You are no idiot....if any shape or form Paul. (my name is Paul too..) Depression does hang around for a long long time as our brain chemistry is different...just my opinion but I feel its a physiological illness as well as psychological

You wont like this but its only my humble opinion on this awful illness...

'Depression is a Serious Illness', just like diabetes or heart disease...

Expecting positive thinking to cure Depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts'

Paul, the meds arent a total fix at all. They do provide us with a platform on which we can use the various coping mechanisms more effectively......Including your excellent 'Venting' mechanism thats a huge help.

I take a small dosage of an anti depressant every morning (for 20 years) and the bulk of my anxiety vaporised.

I had weekly visits with a community mental health worker 20 years ago.....he was a psychiatric nurse and got me back to work....He was a legend....and free 🙂

You are an intelligent and well articulated person Paul...There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you. It would be great if you could post back about anything you wish

My kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Moonstruck
Community Member

Oh Paul12345 . It takes more guts to actually stay and go through all the crappy times than to check out ...or so "they" say anyway. But what would they know? Do stick around and keep writing...I enjoyed reading what you had to say actually. I also understand your views on medication....but please would you give just "talking to someone" a try. You deserve to be having a much better time here, job or not, than you are.

I am not very good at saying the right things to newcomers on here....I know nothing actually, but I can see your intelligence and dare I say "eccentricity" sparkling through there ...I always thought life had broken me too...but I am still here! Does that mean it hasn't broken me, just a few cracks and chips along the way?

You know that famous saying of Nietchke's. sorry don't know how to spell him..

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".......you see it quoted a lot...well, I don't believe that at all. That's not necessarily true at all...just because something doesn't kill you....you can be a scarred, weak and sad limping person, even though you scraped through the thing that "didn't kill you".......so perhaps I am one of the few people who don't go along with old Neistchke at all.....there did I spell him right that time?

Isn't venting wonderful?. You can do a lot of it on here and I am sure you'll get much more useful support and words of wisdom from others wiser than I, but it's been nice talking to you. You may have guessed I am in a "funny" mood tonight. Re the medication.....to get some decent sleep, that's where they come in handy. You might like to consider that. Please keep talking to us, at least to me.

.I am no idiot either..(but I break , just like a little girl)

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Paul,

welcome, you've had 2 wonderful people reply already. I treasure them both and they have given you some great info. I'm with you on the pharma companies and also try to do things naturally.

im so sorry you are feeling so low aNd I do feel for you so much experiencing what you are. I know when we are depressed we don't feel like doing much but during my really low periods I found exercise a great help. I put my little one in her pram and made myself walk everyday, I pushed myself. I walked to my local coffee shop and we sat outside alone, not wanting to talk to anyone. I did this everyday. I didn't want to sit inside, to see people or face people, I wasn't up for it. I didnt want to mix with anyone. One day it was a little cold so I was forced inside. Again I sat in a corner so I could keep to myself, as the weather turned cooler I had to sit inside more often. As I did this, everyday, I got to know the people who worked there who were really nice to me, beautiful people, and some locals who were also regulars, eventually I started to chat with the other locals.

This was about 2 years ago. I still go to the same place everyday, I know all the regulars, in fact we've all gotten to know each other and we sit at the communal table and chat and although I wouldn't call them 'friends' we have things in common and they make me feel worth something. I am probably the most regular customer, I have really gotten to know all the staff and the owner and his family. We've discovered we all have our own shit going on and try and help each other at times, even if it's just a little chat.

aside from pushing myself to walk and exercise, which I think is really important when battling depression, I felt my confidence grow and I stopped feeling so worthless. I still have my times of depression but I always remember what got me through. I'm not 100% but I don't always feel as useless and worthless as I did, well not all the time anyway.

i hope this is of some help to you Paul. I'd love to hear back and wish you all the best.

cmf

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Forgot to mention.join us in the BB cafe in the social zone anytime. A few of us are there.

S0S
Community Member

Hi Paul,

I'm going to tell my story in the hope that someone can help me. Ive always been a really happy out going person until a few months ago. I started changing, I don't know why, I quit my job, I cut out my friends, I deactivated my social media, I stopped going to gym and doing other things I've always enjoyed doing, I distanced myself from my family, I lost myself. All I do all day everyday is sit in bed and cry. I am so sad all the time. I can't move, I can't switch my brain off, I don't even know what's wrong and why I'm acting like this. My life is fine. The pain that I am feeling is getting to much and I don't know what to do or how much longer I can handle it. Can anyone out there please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel like I'm crazy and I'm ashamed that I feel like this when nothing is wrong with my life. Please help.

I've never spoken to you Moonstruck but I love what you wrote, oddly it made me laugh, is that weird? I know I'm weird.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".......you see it quoted a lot...well, I don't believe that at all. That's not necessarily true at all...just because something doesn't kill you....you can be a scarred, weak and sad limping person, even though you scraped through the thing that "didn't kill you"

I got into Mr Nietzsche around 19/20, says a lot, explains a lot, when coming to grips with "what didn't kill me".

No-one questions survivors of war carrying wounds to their grave, hobbling, but forever noble. And yet survivors of domestic wars are supposed to be "stronger for it"!

Glad you liked it Cornstarch. Hey what has happened to Paul 12345, who started this thread. Have we all been too much for him? Are you feeling better Paul - we're really OK once you get to know us....I'd love to know you a bit better. You said you had a very high IQ. that has me interested for a start.....I also have a very high IQ. you'd never know it would you?.......I think we may a high price for being so intelligent.....I realised many years ago that the stupider you are, the happier you are....haven't you noticed that?

Hoping you are handling life OK today Paul.....we do care and want you to know that.

Cornstarch
Community Member

Oh god Paul I was just ruminating about the people I know similar to you. They make me feel helpless. I put them in the "too smart for their own good" basket.

You are not an idiot Paul, no way.

Totally understand your 'depressed cynicism' mate, and questioning of the system that has diagnosed you and the cures that they offer. It certainly is far from perfect. I was chatting to a clinical psych once who expressed her absolute dismay at the culture of a regional city I was living in. She sighed and said, "half of XC^$@% has been diagnosed as Bipolar II, half of this city it feels like it". Then I had a second say the same thing. Not a good look is it. Doesn't put faith in the system when you are struggling and anxious about your inner state.

It sounds like you have been battling it on your own for a long time. There are doctors out there that are willing to accept that the system is not perfect and they do not patronise their patients because they recognise that sometimes their patients are just as smart as they are! Ideally you need to find yourself one of these.

The problem is though with so much sleep deprivation anyone would snowball. Sleep deprivation is a tool of torture used by many horrible governments and individuals around the world. It breaks everyone eventually.

Have you ate least gone to a GP?

I think we may a high price for being so intelligent.....I realised many years ago that the stupider you are, the happier you are....haven't you noticed that?

That's funny.