Attachment and Avoidance

[Merced]

Hi everyone,

Haven’t posted on here in about 4 years.

Does anyone else struggle with attachment but at the same time have an avoidant personality? My depression is a little all over the place at the moment and I’m trying to collect my thoughts and roll with the punches.

Lately with relationships I’m either two ends of the spectrum - seriously attached or seriously avoidant. I’ve just ended a friendship of over 10 years and have DIPPED, not really allowing much of a conversation for it because it would honestly drain me. This is where I feel I’m being avoidant, anytime anyone tries to talk to me about it or ask I change the subject or zone out completely. I’m okay with that for now.

My problem is my attachment issues and my stupid little obsessions I get with anyone I’m intimate with or share some time with. I find myself getting really invested over someone I’ve only just met, thinking about them 24/7, looking at their socials, replaying whatever moment we had in my head on a loop. Internally agonising over a stranger. I don’t go crazy in person and spam them with messages or anything, it’s all just going on in my head. I guess I can pin this down to loneliness and craving something more but it just sucks. I get to a place where I’m feeling independent and only concerned about myself, but then someone catches me off guard and I go down a spiral.

I’m perfectly content with every aspect of my life apart from my social life - both friends and more. I’d say at the moment I don’t really have any friends outside of work, and I’ve never had a boyfriend or relationship, and that’s why I’m so quick to latch on.

If you personally deal with something similar, how do you get passed it? How do you just shut up inside your head and move on? I’d love some advice.

[HappyHelper88]

Hello Merced
Thankyou for your post and welcome back,

I can definitely relate I suffer with BPD from an unhealthy attachment to my mother as a child as a result i have similar issues as an adult and i struggle often
With romantic relationships i am either seriously attached or avoidant this is an unhealthy coping mechanism learned as a child -it is not your fault or in your control usually. You are just try to cope the only way you know how

In the past i have also cut people off who have been in my life for a while and avoid them for a while and i can also relate to being invested in someone I've only just met and being a bit obsessive straight away

In terms of getting passed it? you cant just like that it takes work and time
I behave this way because i have BPD and childhood trauma however i cant say much about your situation as you may not be experiencing the same issues as me

I would recommend seeing a counselling and explaining all of this to them, they will be able to understand you and why you behave the way you do

I have improved greatly from learning about my triggers and mechanisms and also knowing what my unhealthy coping and thinking mechanisms are
Self awareness can be beneficial

I hope this helps

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.