At war with myself

[CourtneyJ]

I've spent my entire adult life at war with myself. Under the multitude of masks and lies I've been telling myself for years is a profoundly unhappy person. And I can no longer pretend like everything is ok. It's not. 

Just needed to say this out loud. I'm not sure where I go from here. 

[Bob_22]

Hi CourtneyJ,

Thanks for posting to the forums and sorry to hear that you've been at war with yourself lately. 

I sometimes feel that I am drowning in pressures, tasks and responsibilities and sometimes I feel I am drowning for no reason at all. It's great that you've posted here as many users have similar experiences, especially with depression. Regarding where to go from here - I would recommend touching base with a psychologist if you don't already have one. They are not only for when we feel like we're struggling but also when we're doing well (in fact I find them even more helpful when doing well!). If not, I'd recommend touching base with a GP who can refer you under the better access scheme as to have rebated sessions. Some tips I find helpful when I unwell, is to do aerobic exercise at least 2-3 times a week as well as making I'm sure I'm touching base with a friend once a week. This seems to help with motivation for me personally.

In the meantime, if you ever have any negative thoughts arise or you're in need of a chat I would recommend contacting the Beyond Blue counselling team if you can't get a hold of anyone. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat (top right corner of page).

Hope this helps,

Bob

[Banksy92]

Hi CourtneyJ,

It takes a lot of courage to look at ourselves and reflect in this way, not to mention being open about it and reach out. You've taken a really big step just by sharing how you feel with us here and some may say it's the hardest one.

Did something happen recently which has caused you to post here? Are you going through a tough time right now?

I think in these really early stages after not being in tune with how we really feel for some time, it can help to start small and see what comes up. Maybe take some time to sit and write out some of the things you are feeling or the thought patterns you're noticing in your mind as a first step? It can be here in this thread, or privately. This may help you tune in to yourself and be able to articulate it more easily.

Be gentle and kind to yourself in this process, know that you are definitely not alone and we are here to support you.

I also recommend planning to do something you enjoy or that relaxes you afterwards, to help soothe any big emotions that may come up. This could be a walk through the park, listening to your favorite music, a hobby you enjoy. Anything you would see as self-care.

Let us know how you go.

[therising]

Hi CourtneyJ

It sounds like while a battle of sorts has been raging for some time, now it's become an all out war that's intolerable. I feel for you so deeply as you face what sounds like a heartfelt desire for 'battle strategies'.

I've found it takes a lot of hard work to manage graduating to higher levels of self understanding and sometimes the work can be far from pretty. By acknowledging you can't manage pretending anymore, you could say you've just graduated to a whole new level, the level of 'Where do I go from here'. If you can imagine, it's like coming to the end of a large expanse of land and you're standing there on a cliff's edge, looking out over an enormous view, of land you're yet to navigate. You're standing on the verge of who you were and who you're about to become.

Read a brilliant book, 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel' by Jamie Catto. Shed a lot of light on 'who' in me is battling it out at certain times. Being 'stuck in the middle' is an interesting concept. With that 'stuck in the middle' aspect, you can have 'The people pleaser' in you on one hand, dictating 'Don't rock the boat, don't upset that person' and 'The Dictator' on the other, screaming 'Don't take one more thing from them! They're thoroughly self serving and you shouldn't be putting up with that!'. Stuck in the middle, you can be left thinking 'What do I do? What's the right thing?'. While I was raised to be a people pleaser, I've had to learn to switch the people pleaser in me off when need be. Can be hard to achieve.

Something I also realised is...it pays to be sensitive. I'm a sensitive gal and proud of it. If you're also 'a sensitive', you'll be able to relate to a person's heartbreaking comment, for example. You know when someone says something and you feel that horrible twinge in you chest that leads to a sudden overall downshift. I've found that's me sensing the need to stop channeling the people pleaser in me and perhaps start channeling 'The Questioner', leading me to ask 'What would lead you to say something so incredibly thoughtless?'. There are parts of us that are natural self esteem boosters. A lot of them are waiting to be brought to life.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I think many of us do what you have or are doing. Bob_22 made some good suggestions so I won't re-iterate on those.

I noticed from one of your other posts (in 2020) you mentioned not wanting to check your email - that was me in 2018/19. It would produce anxiety attacks of sorts.  Since then I have been seeing a psychologist which helped me greatly.

If I may ask a question ... what would it look like if you were honest with yourself?

Please do not feel pressured to answer this question as i am curious and wanting to know more about you. and at the same time noticing your avatar is Lisa Simpson thinking ....