At breaking point..

[Helpful_soul]

Hi everyone,

I am writing on here as a last resort for some advice for my mum. At the end of last year my mum lost a good friend of hers which was also a family friend who we had known for close to 20 years. After their death we had found out something regarding my mum. She couldn’t handle with us knowing this about her as she has always had this “perfectionist” outlook on herself. Of course, at first our family were all upset and dealing with things in our own way. But we never treated her differently and have told her we have forgiven her and moved on. 

Since early February, our mum has been depressed (having panic attacks nearly everyday, just laying down all the time, not eating properly and she has lost about 8kg in 3 months). Our family are all at breaking point. As an allied health professional I have shown her empathy, I have encouraged her to move and make small steps and tasks everyday to help her to start to feel better. She listens but then doesn’t try to put anything into effect. Even with encouragement and so many different strategies. She still says “I’m trying” even though she does nothing to help herself. 

It is now getting to the point where we all don’t know where to turn. Mum has sought help from a psychologist (which we thought might turn it around, but it hasn’t), she has been to the hospital twice now (she stayed one night voluntarily) and then when she came home the second time she started feeling better because she realised the hospital can’t do anything to help her, she has to do the work. Here we are a few days later and she’s back to the same as she was and has been for the last 7 weeks. I’m really lost as to what to do for her because no matter what we say or do she doesn’t take anything on board and keeps saying if she feels like this in 4 weeks then she won’t be around anymore.. it’s very heartbreaking to hear and to see her continually going through this and not even trying to help make herself a little bit better. Mind you, she has a 10 month old grandson who she babysits 3x per week and she is fine when he is there. As soon as he isn’t she doesn’t want to do anything at all. I’m worried for my dad too as he is the one that is living with her and it’s having an impact on him too.

[therising]

Hi Helpful_soul

Your mum is so blessed to have you in her life, someone who cares so deeply about her in so many ways. While frustrated, I also imagine how hard it must be for you to see her suffering so much.

While the grief associated with having lost someone so close must be impacting her incredibly, I imagine her secret that's come to light may also be incredibly depressing for her. I think when some people have a skeleton or 2 in their closet, when one of those skeletons comes out there can be so much unresolved emotion attached to it, such as fear, shame, self hatred, incredible sadness, regret etc. They can become such incredibly depressing emotions. Even when those around are forgiving, it can be hard to forgive our self while in a state of fear, shame, self hatred, dread and more.

While your mum's taken the psychological approach to things, would you say she's more of a soulful kind of person? If so, do you think she might relate better to some form of soulful counseling? Everyone's different and it's all a matter of what works for the individual. A combo could involve what's known as 'psycho-spiritual' counseling. Perhaps she's purely about the psychological approach and hasn't managed to find the best psychologist, one she clicks with. I think, when it all comes down to it, it's a matter of finding the person/guide/counselor we can best relate to (the one who leads us to the revelations we need the most), as opposed to the one who makes little to no difference in their approach.

Can be so hard to face a skeleton and strategically pick it apart. The temptation is to try and ignore it. Doesn't matter how hard someone tries to ignore it, it still comes with emotions that can be felt. While I'm a gal who has a couple of skeletons in my own closet, I've come to look at them in a way where 'They're no longer in the skin I'm in today. I'm a different person today. They are a part of who I was, in the past, under the circumstances I faced back then'. Took me decades to make this kind of peace with myself, moving forward while giving myself release from those skeletons.

I hope you find the way forward for everyone, your mum especially. It can be a terrible time of sufferance for everyone involved when a friend/family member struggles deeply with depression. ❤️