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All I can feel is bitterness and hate.

Bubble44
Community Member

(My Dad is the only reason I'm still alive. Sometimes I wonder if he has any idea how good a father he's been)

My mother abused me. She violently screamed at me everyday, nonstop, from a baby until now (I'm 23). She physically attacked me until I was big enough that she knew she'd lose a fight against me. 

My siblings abused me. I even have flashbacks of my brother physically assaulting me. He was maybe 8 at the time. I would've been 5? He tried to choke me unconscious, until my Dad found us and pulled him away.

My sister exchanged maybe 10 sentences with me over a four or 5 year period of living in the same house. All of those sentences were to insult me.

Every friend I have ever had has abandoned me.

My best friend attempted to sexually assault someone, and he tried to convince people I sexually assaulted someone (my supposed victim went out of her way to message me saying she never had an issue with me, and that my 'friend' was putting words in her mouth).

Despite every one of my friends admitting he was entirely in the wrong, almost all my friends abandoned me so they could keep this psychopath in their lives. Apparently to them, I am worth less than an attemped sexual assaulter (and remember, they believed I was in the right and he was in the wrong. And I still didn't matter).

Everyone I meet either hates me with every fibre of their being, or they tolerate me, at best.

I'm going to keep plodding along. But I f**king hate every moment of this. I hate this world. I hate everyone in it. I want to live, but it's obvious no one else wants me to. I will stay. I won't do anything to hurt myself. But f**k this world.

6 Replies 6

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Bubble44,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We can hear from your post that you have been struggling with these feelings from your past and current traumas, we hope you acknowledge the effort and strength you have displayed persevering despite multiple obstacles and seeking assistance. It is unfortunate how your friends have treated you, especially if they acknowledge you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, some people will treat you this way despite calling you a friend, we hope that you do not dwell on these lost relationships and encourage you to seek new friendships.
 
We want to encourage you to seek the support of others around you and you mention how ‘good’ your dad is so have you discussed your feelings with him? Have you ever discussed seeking professional assistance to help process the past trauma of your childhood and to assist with the current issues regarding your friendships?
 
If you feel it is too hard to talk to your dad, we will highly recommend discussing your feelings with your family G.P as they are an excellent point of first contact to receive advice and assistance on accessing local services.
 
As mentioned, it can really help having someone to talk to when these negative thoughts arise, we recommend contacting the Beyond Blue counselling team. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
If you have not engaged with them before we would also recommend Kids helpline on 1800 55 1800 or at https://kidshelpline.com.au/ . This service is available to anyone 25 years old and under.
 
We would also like to suggest Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
 
Alternatively we would also recommend the suicide call back service, they offer a range of contact methods that can be accessed via https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/ or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
If at any point those thoughts of hate become overwhelming and you believe you may harm yourself, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community. 
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Bubble, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through and truly want to thank your dad for what he has been able to do.

You have been abused in many different ways by your family as well as those you once considered as being a friend, but now realised they are no longer your friend.

Can I ask if you are able to move away from all of these people, except for your dad, I'm about to log off as I start very early in the morning, but will look out for this thread early in the morning.

We understand this most unfortunate situation you are trying to cope with, and sincerely want to help you.

Geoff.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Bubble44,

From all the awful treatment from your mother, your siblings & then your friends evidently preferring to be loyal to someone they know is in the wrong, it's no wonder you feel people everywhere reject &/or will abandon you.

Yet, I find you have your father, who you praise & a determination to keep going, & the certain understanding you have that you want to live, so hopeful. Don't be bothered about what anyone else might think about whether you will live or not - this life is YOUR life, not theirs. You want to live, & you can.

I too, would like to know if you have anyone you can go to, to talk about how you feel & how you can go on into your adulthood, learning ways to cope with memories & feelings about the past, & I hope, to help you understand not everyone feels about you in the way you think right now.

If you don't already have a therapist of some kind, your GP is the best place to start. Think about what you want to say, write it down, & ask for a long consultation, too. You don't have to go into great detail, just enough, if you want, to get them to understand your dealing with deep & difficult emotions & memories, & you want help.

We can talk more, & are here to support each other as we are able. We can offer our own experiences as we go on our own journeys. Here, I hope you will feel less alone, because you are not. 😸

Warmly,

mmMekitty

I haven't gone to therapy in a while because of how expensive it is (and when I did stop I was doing good at the time). I know there's resources online like with BeyondBlue but I'm not really comfortable switching therapist. I've tried switching before and a couple of people I ended up having sessions with (not on Beyondblue, just a couple of in person therapists in the past) were genuinely terrible at their jobs. One did not have a shred of empathy and the other was more intent on pushing her worldview on me than actually helping me solve my problems. Fortunately I've had two other therapists who did end up helping me a lot in the past.

So I've been trying to cope mostly on my own for a while but I think I might be hitting my limit. Trust me, I have more restraint than anyone you're ever likely to meet, but I work in a bar and three random customers have tried to assault me in the last 24 hours, and my dog died last week. I either direct that pain inward (mentally I mean, I would not physically harm myself) which after everything I've been through is becoming less and less feasible, or I'm going to snap and seriously hurt the next drunk moron who tries to punch me. Which morally I wouldn't really object to, but there's legal consequences for that sort of thing (for good reason).

And before someone suggests switching jobs, remember in my first comment when I said everyone either hates me or tolerates me? Well at this job I'm tolerated by my coworkers. I've had to leave several jobs because I was treated terribly and I'm not willing to flip that coin again.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Bubble,

I am glad you have said more about your situation& how you feel. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. Pets in our lives are some of the deepest & best relationships we ever have. I say this from how I felt about my cat, while I had her & in the years following her death. At times I miss her as much as I did in the first month following her death.

when what we want is acceptance & genuine care & consideration, to be treated with love & dignity, & we are treated badly, I understand how that erodes the person you are. But I get the feeling, there is a lot of a good person in there, & you are certainly not done yet.

I can imagine working where you could be assaulted, would be a very stressful place to work. I would like if no one had to work under such conditions. Sadly, some people do. In my opinion, I don't think working in a bar should be one of the dangerous but necessary' jobs.

I also have had to find new Psychiatrists over the years. Once having found a good one, & then him leaving the state, was very difficult, & the next was awful in the end, the next didn't offer what I needed, the one I have now is pricey but I feel I've been able to talk with & I'm working with him better than all others I've met & I met several before finding him. If I had to, now, I don't think I could go looking for yet another.

If we're looking, with some degree of openness, (& I am a sceptic & a cynic), places like BB & the people who offer their support & willingness to share what they've learned from their own experiences can be a great source of ideas for us. That's been my experience with talking to various people here.

We're here to support & be supported. I'm no professional, & I wouldn't want to be either.

If there is any little lesson I've learned over the years, it's that , even if no-one thinks we're worth a jot, we can disagree.

We can then care for ourselves, firstly by accepting we can care for ourselves. I know it sounds silly, but it was one of the things I had to learn. I had to feel I was worth caring for. I make myself feel worse if I don't think I'm worth any kindness, gentleness, care & compassion for myself.

It doesn't matter so much anymore, what my (ex-)step-mother thought or did, what my father thought or did, nor what my brothers did or thinks now, nor my birth mother, nor anything they didn't do, too. It's what I can do for myself, & now, for others, that matters. & it does get better.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

Bob_22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Bubble44,

Sorry to hear about the poor treatment you've received from friends, family and coworkers. Reading through your posts you seem like a very resilient person who can acknowledge when they're not doing well. This is an amazing quality and something people spend a lot of time developing.

I'm glad you have a good psychologist that you connect with but I know what you mean about expenses. I saw you mentioned that the last time you were seeing your psychologist you were doing well at the time. It might possible be worth checking in with them again as you're feeling stretched at the moment? Perhaps if you mentioned your concerns about expenses they might be able to stretch out sessions more economically and give you more self help strategies that you might be able to utilise between sessions.

I've also struggled with expenses and have had a similar talk with my psychologist. We discussed reducing frequency of sessions but increasing self-monitoring and at home strategies. I don't think its common practice by sometimes we will do a phone consultation which he bills under telehealth (so that it is fully subsidised by medicare).

Bob 🙂