A LIFE WELL...WORN!

[JJ1981]

Hi ladies and gentlemen. I am in a very interesting (sad, sick, confusing, whatever you want to call it) situation regarding my mental health. I'm 42 year old male who had done so much to try to better his own life, but I have woefully not achieved the milestones expected of a successful (or at least, normal) man.

In fact, my life circumstances are so complicated that I have to write a lot more than 2,500 words to fully describe it. I have been getting excellent mental health treatment, but still felt really worn down about life but, gladly, not in a position of even contemplating THAT fatal act. The circumstances were so complicated and horrendous for me that most people would have not been that resilient, if they went through the same life I had.

Probably, the only things that stopped things from getting even worse were a stable, decent immediate family (of which I came from), me not having permanent disability and me not being sexually abused.

I will only scratch the surface of the issues that have been dragging me down...

Me and my family have always worked to try to make a better and more stable life for ourselves. Yet, I felt that our journey has been made 100 times harder than everyone else who put in the same effort, dedication and sacrifice. I think this is because of many people (in at least two Australian states) having problems with me and/or my family. Problems ranging from me having an Italian Catholic father and an Australian Protestant mother, to me growing up in one of my old city's poorest suburbs. From me being 1 out of 1-2 high achieving males in Year 12 to me dealing with the effects of elitism in higher education, work and society. And, boy, Australia does have a big elitism problem. From my late father's criminal history (and criminal reputation) to Italian Australians confusing me on how to actually act like a good enough Italian to blend in with them! From having both sides of my family treating me and my immediate family with the grossest of contempt, to me not being able to get proper help with anything from socialising to getting funding to me finding a partner.

Even within my healthcare career, so many employers, coworkers, patients, social workers and the big decision makers have disregarded the contribution that I have made to my work and to their community so much and so often, that I have been burnt out to the point where I would never work regularly in my old job again.

See...complicated. Need to make sense of all above. Thanks

[Guest_9871]

Hey mate, I just read your post and whilst I don't have the answers, I can say that I also feel that I have highly underachieved in life so you are not alone. My story in a nutshell is that of being married for 25 years, then separating with a crap load of debt. Sold house and paid off debt but didn't have much left so now renting. Cannot seem to ever get on top financially which makes me feel like I am never getting anywhere. I also feel like I have failed my 2 daughters by separating. 

Just split from my new partner after being together for a year so now I am back to the beginning again. It's a hard slog to feel like you have a purpose sometimes that's for sure. I don't have a circle of friends so I feel very alone. Do you have friends to talk to? Glad I have my dogs to help me but they don't talk much unfortunately. The world is a weird place at the moment but you (and I) will see things clearer very soon for sure. Take care.

[JJ1981]

That's all right, Guest. No answers are necessary. Very sorry to hear about your setbacks. Like you, I don't have a circle of genuine friends. I have learned that those who can be real friends are quite few and far between. I do have a very good relationship with all members of my immediate family. But, I still have a nagging feeling that my family loves me because they HAVE to, rather than WANTING to.

Thanks for your input. Things will get better, as much as they appear to never get better. I hope for my own resolutions too.

[therising]

Hi JJ1981

It definitely sounds like you've been put to the test on so many occasions by so many people over so many years. Begs the question in life 'Why can't people/situations be far more easygoing than what they are?'.

I think one of the hardest things to achieve in life is figuring out who we naturally are/what we best identify with. Society is always going to have guidelines, so it can be a matter of whether we're the kind of person who fits within the standard guidelines or whether we're someone who falls outside of them and whether we're not phased about falling outside of them. Should add, some of society's guidelines are completely insane, yet they're considered perfectly normal and acceptable. Then there can be the problem of working with 2 or more sets of guidelines, something you've touched on

• To follow and fall within the guidelines of 2 different religions
• To follow and fall within the guidelines of 2 different cultures (Italian and non Italian)
• To follow and fall within the guidelines of an elitist culture (with all its high end expectations) and a non elitist culture. This can involve 2 completely different emotional experiences, creating a lot of mixed emotions

etc.

Finding the middle ground or establishing a whole new set of guidelines can mean becoming a bit of a 'lone ranger' at times (falling outside the range/s of guidelines while doing it on your own). Can be a lonely experience if you can't find anyone within your newly established range. It's good that your family is supportive when it comes to leading you to not feel alone in your choices.

As a 53yo gal, I kind of like to choose 'the middle way', establishing my own set of guidelines. Can be incredibly hard to do on occasion. At times it can even be anxiety inducing and depressing, figuring out who you are and how you best resonate. A lot of our guidelines are inherited ones, so letting go of a lot of that stuff can be tough and tormenting. For example, being raised to please and/or be liked can be a hard thing to let go of because it so strongly ties into our identity (our 'I am...'). Inherited beliefs can involve 'Aim to please, don't upset' (I am a pleasant person), 'go with the flow, don't create turbulance' (I am an easygoing person), 'behave acceptably or you'll be rejected' (I am an acceptable person). In a nutshell, 'I am pleasant, easygoing and perfectly acceptable. That's who I am'. Religious guidelines can be highly questionable at times, especially when it comes to old ways of thinking. With the old Catholic way of thinking, for example, 'All Protestants are going to burn in hell', you seriously gotta question that. Doesn't sound terribly Christian to me. Btw, I was raised Catholic yet am more a mainstream spiritualist these days.

I've found at times it's helpful to think 'If I'm working with multiple sets of guidelines, what if I pulled at least one good and healthy concept from each set? Can I make something of that regarding the middle ground I'm going to continue walking? Do I need to scrap everything else, for the sake of my mental health?'. My own experience is, when establishing a new path, just about everyone else has got an opinion about how you're 'doing it wrong' or 'being stupid and selfish' or 'being ridiculous or horrible' etc etc. So many harsh critics out there. Healthy emotional detachment can act as a bulletproof vest; while you can still feel the shots people take (to some degree), they're never deeply impacting. It's one seriously amazing skill that I'm still trying to master.

[JJ1981]

Very interesting contribution, Rising. Thanks for that.

Being "caught in the middle" of so many influences and expectations can be lonely, frustrating and (as my body and mind are starting to figure out) REALLY DRAINING! It's actually very hard to find people who actually get me and my unique ways of living, thinking and believing. 

In terms of my family's religions, my Dad was not that religious but my Mum came from a family with the hidden Protestant type.

What hasn't helped me either was the prevalence of the Protestant work ethic in English speaking countries including Australia. The ethic goes like this: Adam and Eve have committed sin and, thus, have all future generations being born with original sin. So, the only way to "qualify yourselves for Heaven and being on God's good side" is to work and suffer until, hopefully, we don't die from overwork ! The Catholic work ethic emphasises doing work for good - which is something that I have always supported and would not have necessarily involved so many setbacks like what I had to endure...

[therising]

Hi JJ1981

Waking up to the need or compulsion to wonder and question definitely has a feel to it. We can spend years living with no serious need to wonder or question and then, bamm, you can start to feel the conflict that can come with a new found sense of wonder and questioning. Suddenly you can start to feel things like injustice, rage, intolerance and more. Then there can be so much self questioning, with the #1 question becoming 'How could I not have seen that before?' (what appears and feels unjust, enraging or intolerable). Then you can start to question the people around you, to see whether they find the same things questionable or whether they've ever wondered about those things. I think that's the gradual process of 'finding the tribe you (best) vibe with', those who are on a similar page.

As I say, while I've left my Catholic roots behind me and am more so a general spiritual kinda gal, one question I still like to ask is 'What would Jesus do?'. Also known amongst Christians as 'WWJD', I think it offers a fair and soulful kind of guideline. For example, would Jesus say 'Your goal should be to keep your head down and work yourself into an early grave, without question, so you can go to heaven' or would he perhaps say 'You goal is to find that which brings you joy and satisfacton, as you create the life you want and need. Money is nothing more than a provider of opportunity. So, work hard if you wish to provide for others based on the money you share with them (charity), work hard to lead yourself to evolve through finding the best in yourself and joy in your work, work hard in order to discover heaven on earth through adventure and other soulful investments (which require funding)'? Personally, I'd like to think he'd say the 2nd one. I like to imagine him as a soulful kind of sage-like guy with a really open mind. What else would he do? I like to think he's advise us 'Open your mind beyond the limitations that weigh you down'. I imagine him as a great and soulful motivational speaker, with no agenda other than to raise people. If he lived in today's world, I imagine he would not have a fleet of private jets, he would not own a silk tie or an Armani suit and he would not be self righteous and egotistical. I imagine he would be a humble open minded person, living in humble ways, while leading us to wonder and question.