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Have you ever felt this way?

the_motorcycle_boy
Community Member

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

165 Replies 165

Hi Indra,

Sorry to get so technical on you! I'm not a real gamer, Quake is an old game (1996) that I used to play years ago. For some reason I just had a hankering for it again. It's a shoot 'em up game that's a lot of fun. A Galaxy S5 wow A nice phone! They can do almost anything!

I really feel for you Indra re: caring for your son(s). It must be very difficult for you. Wish I could help. Please feel free to talk more about it if that suits you. 

Yes, this rollercoaster! My head is clearing gradually and my symptoms are receding, it is just taking forever. Patience MB! Thankyou for your concern. Oh, and I will be reading your thread as soon as possible.

Are you very self-sacrificing? I think it's good for someone to lash out occasionally on oneself. My budget is very tight so I limit myself to some movies every now and then and the odd CD and meal out. I guess you can take time out for a walk or a nap and that's being kind to oneself too.

So you have 6 tatts, wow! I have 3. The last one I got 10 years ago. Some people don't like them but for me they all have some meaning. Don't really feel like getting any more but probably would if I was inspired.

Now, about The Fall. Some of their music is magnificent, I think, and some for me, is not so great. Anyway, if you're going to have a look on Youtube, you might like to try one or two of these more well known songs..."Hip Priest", "Theme from Sparta FC", "The Classical", "C.R.E.E.P."and "Frightened." Hope I'm not overloading you here. Please listen when and if you can.

I think I've heard of Ramnstein but never listened to them. A German band eh? I'm not sure but I think Kraftwerk and Faust were too. Spreken ze Deutsch! Is that right? lol I will check out Ramnstein too. Rosenrot eh?

Have a great (awesome is better) day!

TMB

Hi TMB,

I'm so going to get Siddhartha to read. In the few days since I dared go on here, I am amazed at how I feel myself be more patient and even kind to myself. I know this can change without warning but there is something about sharing and learning that so many of us have pain that is really hard to live with.

I have started telling myself to STOP when I get going on my mysanthropic rants in my head. I have started to do things that I read on here. There are so many people here that I see get support and I still sense I have the old self obsession which stops me from sharing sometimes.

Terrified someone is gonna say ............ wrong, you can't be like that. Getting some psychologist help next week and hope my self talk dares to grow in a positive way with more understanding and less cynisism.

I have nursing exams over the next two weeks and at the young age of 51 am wondering why am I doing this? Today, I remember why and am glad I am. I'm also lucky to be able to. Thank you for your post and your help about affirmations. It is so easy to slip into self hurt but when someone else reminds me about telling myself to accept myself just as I am, I realise how powerful that is.

I hope you are well.

Cheers,

Mz.

Hey TMB,

Today was a bit of a mixed bag for me - but nothing out of the norm.  It's ok - be technical, it makes me use my head to look things up and learn. After not working for awhile I need to keep my mind active otherwise I tend to start thinking negatively.

Thank you for thinking of us - believe me if some of the great people I have spoken to on hear lived around the corner I would be taking them up on offers - even just  coffee and chat. It is good still to have cyber buddies though. It is difficult as it constantly changes and starting to go through round 2 with my youngest who will be on the high functioning end.

I'm definitely self sacrificing and thank you TMB I had never actually heard a term for it. Obviously my boys always come first, I always feel guilty when I spend money on myself. I think it has been so long since I have had anything for me I just don't  know howto do it anymore.  Sounds weird I know - and I have started walking - need to get that in before it gets any colder lol Sleep - what is that?? Hahaha 

I am the same with my tatts - they are for me. My favourite is the Black Sabbath  archangel on my leg! 

Anyway duty calls - talk soon.

Cheers

Indra 

Hi Mz,

Very glad to hear from you. And to see the improvements you have made. That's great!

Telling yourself stop! and putting into practice recommendations from others sounds really productive to me. So too is seeing a Psychologist. Good on you! Good luck with it.

I know what you say when you speak of, the fear of others judging you as wrong. I have felt this way too.

Best of luck with your nursing exams. 51 is still so young and I'm sure you have  good reasons for doing what you're doing. Yes. those affirmations are powerful aren't they?

.I am going ok, getting better all the time, thanks for asking.

You have spoken about wrongness and cynicism, more understanding and rants in your head. I'd imagine your psychologist will be able to help with these issues.

If I may, I'd also like to recommend another book to you, called "Self Esteem" by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. ISBN: 1572241985  New Harbinger Publications

I believe it can help with those issues above and with all sorts of things to do with self-esteem. It has helped me a lot.

Take care

TMB

P.S. Hope you enjoy Siddhartha!

Hi Indra,

Good luck with round 2 with your youngest.

I too need to be busy otherwise I can dwell on my problems too much. Luckily, now, I can do more activity-wise than when I was sicker. I have more energy now than previously and my stamina is better..

Ok, if you wish, I will be technical from now on.

Hey, a coffee and chat sounds great! and cake? I wonder if there is such a thing as a cyber coffee?  lol.

Your selflessness doesn't sound weird to me at all. In fact it sounds much the same as I was years ago but what happened to me and how I improved my lot is another, longish  story.

A Black Sabbath archangel sounds cool. I have a Betta Splendens tattoo on my shoulder. A what? You may have heard of one?

I had a quiet day today, down the street for some supplies then back home on the computer. Seem to be living on the comp. lately. It takes me ages to do a reply to a post, I go over it very slowly. 

Hope you had a good walk. I walk too, a minimum of 30 mins a day. I have to watch my weight as I have a fairly high blood sugar level plus sleep apnoea.and I like my food.

Listened to Spring and liked it. Need to listen more to fully explore it...l like the German accent.

Read some of your previous posts today and got a fuller picture of you.

Hope you and family are well and you get some decent sleep soon.

Take Care

Cheers

TMB

Hey TMB,

Round 2 started today with miniman, we had a first visit with the mental health nurse today to start dealing with his anger issues - which have predominantly been caused by donor 2 (his father ) this was a positive. On the downside my older son had major anxiety meltdown this afternoon - he has a long visitation this weekend and it is never a good time here leading up to it. To top it off major issues with the partner - oh and running on 4 hours of broken sleep hence a venting moment on another thread!!

At the moment coffee, chat, cry, cake and laugh would be great and in that order. Same here l need to shrink again - I gave up smoking last year and a few health things - the weight reappeared. Working on it!! 

will that do for cyber coffee as a start?? Lol

You got a partial picture of me - that would cover the start of my life - as you said long, long stories and in here is the first time I have opened up about things.

If you had said a betta fish I would have got it lol my youngest had 3 fish tanks and we did have a blue one for awhile. Cool tatt though - my others are a blue thorn swirl pattern, my son's initials and got a cover up last year. Now have a crow chasing a butterfly - my grief for my son's disability. As I said - they are mine and have had some for over 10 years - before the became a trend and no - no tramp stamps lol

I'm glad you liked some of the Rammstein stuff - they are fairly dark - when you translate the lyrics Spring is a very interesting story! Til Lindemann the lead singer has the perfect rolled R!!

I didn't walk today had a busy morning and Wednesday my older son's school finishes early.

Just trying to get little one to sleep - he fights it. I might get a few hours or it's back to more coffee 😨😨😨

Look after yourself TMB and thanks for being a friend,

Indra 

Hi Indra,

You certainly sound like you are in the wars. I hope things improve with your two sons and with your partner and in the sleep department. It's hard to get by on 4 hours shut eye. Let me know more about these issues if you like. I'm here to listen (and help).

Good on you for giving up smoking. That's a big plus for your health. I gave up in 2002, best thing I ever did. But yes the weight can become a problem. I try to eat right and do some exercise. It makes me laugh how years ago my brother and I used to raid Woolies late at night for ice cream and lollies. It was bad health wise but such good fun.

Thanks for the cyber coffee, very nice.

It's great to see you can open up here at the forums. I think it is better than carrying it all around with you. Even I am starting to do it. Wow, that must have a lot of meaning for you, a crow chasing a butterfly. My other 2 are the Chinese symbol for endurance and a small rose. They are like signposts into the past for me. Mine, too are all a decade or more old and a bit before tattoos became fashionable. Excuse my ignorance but what is a tramp stamp? (is it a poor quality tatt?)

Will listen to Spring some more, an interesting story eh? and the rolled "r"s.

I am going away for a trip to the country from noon Fri till Mon arvo. Will have my mobile so will be able to read posts but not send any. If you are busting to talk with someone you can send me your posts and I'll get back to you Mon night. If not, that's cool.

Hope you have an excellent long weekend. I wish you well.

All the best

TMB

Hi TMB,

Thanks for the info on the self esteem book. Am going to look for that especially with my tiny positive steps I'm finally acting on. Had a big change in my thinking on my first exam day. My 27 yo daughter was on her way to hospital by ambulance just as I was leaving for school when they called me. Drug induced seizure and her boyfriend told me I needed to get to the hospital asap. As a string of panic and worrying thoughts hit me, I weighed up what I felt was the right thing to do.

I went to school. My daughter is safe and although mad at me, she has experienced something that is at least making her think things need to change. There are so many people on here that are inspiring and interesting and I gave a small presentation at school about BB and how it can help us all.

Only eight exams to go and I have booked in for a new tatt as a treat for me when they are finished. Thanks for being here.

Cheers.

Mz.

Hi Mz,

I'm so pleased you are getting the self-esteem book I recommended. It is a fantastic book with heaps of down to earth ways of looking after your self-esteem. The book has just about all the answers for establishing and maintaining a healthy sense of worth.. It is much like a manual for helping to look after oneself, mentally. Now I am raving on a bit.

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. So glad she is alright now and has a new point of view about things. You must have been in a state wondering what to do when told you were needed at the  hospital. Sounds to me like you looked at all of the consequences in making your decision. That is exactly what I try to do when faced with a difficult choice.

You're right about all the great people here at Beyond Blue, it is a unique place full of very wise, interesting and knowledgeable souls. That's wonderful you giving a presentation at school about BB. Thank you so much for that.

8 exams to go wow! Good luck with them. I hope you do well. How have you gone so far? Do you have any results yet? So, you're getting a new tattoo, good on you. Do you have anything in particular in mind?

If you don't mind me saying, I think you are going really well with a terrific attitude which makes me feel very happy for you.

BB is always here for you.

All the Best

TMB

Hi TMB,


Hope you enjoy  your weekend away, so very lucky. 

Well bearer of bad tidings here and thank you as now I need a friend more than ever.

My partner walked out on us this morning - just said I am moving out and that was it. Wouldn't talk or anything. I feel very numb and you talk of decay, I feel like the world is crumbling around me, rotted from the core. I still don't know how to explain it to my boys. 

I crumbled and had some cigarettes today - first time in a year. I will get back on track with it. I am not supposed to as I am on thinners 😮

I feel lost that's all I can say.

Oh a tramp stamp is a tattoo at the base of the spine.

Indra