Where is all began
I have only been on this forum a day and I already feel a sense of relief with the support shown. For those who want to know why I am here I have another thread on it.
I thought I would share a bit about how I belief my anxiety started. With my wife deciding that after all these years she was no longer going to accept my anxieties & phobias & with lots of pain along the way I decided I needed to look back over the 58 years of my life to try and pin point moments to see is I could determine how far back my issues have been with me. They have become so a part of me I hadn't really taken notice of them, not that i didn't know I had them, just that they were me. My wife did much the same by allowing me to use them as excuses not to do things. She no longer is willing to allow that hence where I am today.
I have managed to trace things back to a single moment in primary school where I was asked to speak in front of the class in show & tell. Being shy at that age I don't think it was anxiety that I took into it, merely shyness at the age of 5. But I wet my pants in front of the class and was ridiculed, laughed at and then embarrassed by the teacher who made me stand there and finish the show & tell. I had forgotten all about this incident until I recently dived back into my past.
From that incident i found 2 friends who stuck with me. I believe I was bullied and ridiculed many more times over that period as the kid who wet his pants. The 2 friends became my best friends and from that moment, even though others would be friends, close friendships were never chased. I have lived much of my life with just a couple of close friends. I took the same approach into high school or sporting teams. 1 or 2 friends no more. Those friends tended to be more self confident which allowed me to stay in the background when we did venture into territory I wasnt comfortable with. That way they were the centre of attention I could could hide in the background if I had to. Amazingly still happens. Person i would say I am closest to now is an outgoing larger than life type. So when we go to the club or pub he takes centre stage, people gather around him and I am just to the side or can step into the background, yet still consider myself socialising. My idea of making friends is for them to find me. I may place myself in a scene, but never make the approach, place yourself at the same scene often enough and someone will always end up approaching you.
Good read there. Anxiety is a serious illness and like other mental illnesses we often dont see the significance of it and have to be told by our partners how bad it really is.
In 1987 aged 29 my anxiety came to a head in a workplace incident. It was present since teenage years. After some therapy I realised that group therapy was out, dont like groups and therapy was ok for 1 year then lost its effect. So I embarked on expanding what I learned and carried out my own formula of recovery. Surprisingly the anxiety was only erased after 22 years. A long time. In 2003 was incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD. In 2009 correctly diagnosed with bipolar2, dysthymia (a low mood constant depression) and depression. Once on the correct medication I kicked goals from then on.
You can read a lot about the beginning of this journey in this thread-
Some of us with these complications dont have many friends. We are largely solo people. But thats ok, thats us, we cant all be extroverts.
School in our days was cruel. We were all picked on unless you were the popular kid. The key I believe in all this anxiety from our childhood days is acceptance. You can read about it here-
Again welcome. Hope you enjoy it.
Yes those days were cruel. My wife looked at moving out to a place up the road so she could have her "space". Silly financially. I told her I was sure I could find a cheap box to live in and do so. Loner. Stuff has happened since that that you can find on my other threads. The garage works fine for me & its not costing us double everything.
I am taking a similiar approach right now in doing what ever prelim work I can before I get into see a pshycologist. Bit of a waiting list and not prepared to sit and wait. Bought some books, signed up here, have a couple councelling sessions still up my sleave from my wifes work. Got a session with Mindspot tonight.
Hoping that just the fact I want to be proactive is part of the healing as well. Hoping my wife notices and is willing to give me that chance.
Glad you perserved. 22 years is a longtime. I don't think I have that. Certainly doubt I have 6 months even to show some sort of visible progress, not just attempting, to show my wife I am serious and save my marriage.
I'll certainly got read your journey