Upset about people assuming I don’t clean

[Alannah57]

I have a small problem where I get upset when people assume I don’t clean or I think people are saying I don’t clean. For example, I just had a very clean roommate move into my house, and it’s been a few weeks. I did improve my cleaning habits in the last few weeks, compared to how they were with previous roommates. I mopped the floor and vacuumed at least once last week, as well as regularly wiping down surfaces, throwing out bin bags twice, and putting away things and not leaving them out. I also stayed at friends’ houses for two nights and didn’t clean until this afternoon after my roommate talked to me.

My roommate asked if I could help to clean around the house; and I got upset saying I do regularly clean and it was unfair to say I don’t and tried to feel calm and hand good self esteem, but I got upset and the interaction was slightly sour. But I realise I overreacted, but it made me feel bad about myself when my roommate asked me to help out with cleaning. Does anyone else have overly upset reactions to things that damage their ego? How do you healthily approach feeling upset if like your self esteem has been taken down a few notches?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I think what clean is, is different for everyone. We all have different standards. To be honest, cleaning just isn’t my thing. It’s low on my list of priorities. If you’re house sharing, maybe it’s important to come to some kind of agreement about expectations, so that everyone’s clear and you can all keep the peace?

As for self esteem - I recently read an article about the difference between self esteem that comes from internal or external sources. When your self esteem comes from an internal source, such as your values, it’s easier to have control over. When it comes from external sources - such as what someone thinks about our cleanliness, to use your example, it’s more easily rocked, as we dont have control over that. The moral being to build up our own self esteem so that we always have a sturdier platform. Not easy, but if you think you’re doing a satisfactory job of cleaning, try to hold onto that and not be swayed by the other person’s opinion, but rather be open to having a chat about it and seeing how to work together.

What do you think? 🙂

And I say this from a place of trying to learn to do the same, by the way.

Katy

[Alannah57]

Hi, thanks. I really agree with and appreciate your advice. For some reason I just got really upset; but I’ll apologise and hopefully I can move on so that we can have a clean environment without any social tensions originating from my self esteem

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

You’re welcome. I hope the conversation goes well for you both. Talk more here as you need. Katy

[missep123]

Hi Alannah57,

I completely hear you! I am a 'people pleaser' so I want everyone to like me and do everything 'right'. So when I am doing something and someone asks me to do it I get frustrated and embarrassed because I then overthink that I didn't do it 'right'.

I think from my own experience it is so important to have good communication with your roommate. Being honest and open really can bond people and make you go stronger rather than create a rift that can go stronger. Perhaps explain what you have been doing with your cleaning and work together to understand what that means for both parties.

From my own experience as well it is important to realise what kind of automatic thoughts you were having after the interaction. I know for myself I used to automatically think 'I'm not good enough' or 'the person is not going to like me now!". It is then important to really combat those thoughts. It is important to remind yourself did that person say that? No! This can help to de-escalate the situation in our minds because to them they may have simply been asking about the cleaning and not have thought much about it at all!

I hope this helps, you are definitely not alone!

[jaz28]

Hey there,

Cleanliness comes at all different levels...for example, someone asked me if I could ever live with my sister-in-law (who I am very close with), I said...no...because I am very picky and OTT, some might say, about cleaning. I cannot stand mess at all, whereas she has no problem with leaving things on the sink for days, not making her bed etc. which is all fine, she is more laid back about it than I am...so I think living with this person would strain our relationship and I do not want to lose her friendship! That's the thing about living with people - it does strain your relationship with that person at times - we all do things differently and something that frustrates you may not frustrate the other person etc.

i think being honest and setting some expectations of each other could help this situation and prevent it from happening again. i would approach your roommate and ask her to talk.

i hope things improve,

jaz xx

[missep123]

Hi Alannah57! Just wanted to check in and see how you were going!