The spiralling feeling is circling again

[Thommo1163]

I have thread on why I am here and whats been happening.

Right now though I am back living in me head which I need to shake. A friend has offered me a job as a courier driver. I already feel like I let him down because I was supposed to start last Monday but circumstances (see other thread) prevented me. I was supposed to go with him today to run through the job and be shown what to do. He just called to say things are slow so he isn't going out. He then tells me he can probably give me 3hrs of sorting & maybe 3 hrs on the road. I immediately started thinking that he is just doing it to help me out & doesn't really need me. My wife asked what was wrong and I told her and she just said don't worry, he is being a good friend. She could see I wa internalising everything again. For all that is happening between us, i know she loves me, I know she cares for me. Thats her default position and a reason for her wanting space, because she gets drawn back into looking after me mode. Probably why she has reached out to a male friend for comfort, or in my anxious case, a new destination.

How can I fail in a courier job. I am a more than capable human being that has built things, been the boss in jobs, run a household for 20yrs bringing up fantastic children. Yet here I am in the garage crying in fear, with my wife walking in and defaulting back to nurture mode telling me everything will be ok. She finally got me to smile and say I have got this. My default was to then tell her I love her. Which puts pressure on her wanting space. Got to get out of me head. Every issue that drags me back there ends up with me defaulting back how important my marriage is to my, how much I love my wife and then how do I cope when/if she does go. Vicious cycle. Time to put some music on, maybe even sing out loud. I have never sung before the other night. When ever it was time to sing happy birthday to the kids I would avoid it by taking a photo, or lighting the candles. I let them down by not being a part of it. 2 nights ago I was wide awake after midnight and decided I would record myself singing love songs that meant something, for my wife and sent them to her. Didn't get the response I was after but i then sent them to my kids and got nothing but praise. I have taken 2 little steps, towards progress alone. I just have to avoid little things taking back into living inside my head, its not a pretty place.

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo1163,

Ok your spiralling I understand I use to live inside my head aswell……

The trick is once you realise you are spiralling you need to bring your “ attention” outside of your head you need to focus on something in the present moment…… like if you are watering the lawn how does the hose feel? What does the water sound like, how does the water look as it’s hitting the lawn?
Every time you realise you are in your head you need to bring yourself out of it and focus on something in the here and now the present moment……

Try not to give any of your attention to the thoughts that are going on inside your head “ what we give attention to we give power to”………

Flip your thoughts think of a positive thought that goes against the negative one…… challenge your negative thoughts…. You can…

Anxiety has a way of bringing us to our knees but you can rise up against it….

Call your mate and thank him for what he can give you 3 hrs sorting and 3 hours on the road. Sounds great.. be positive

here to chat

[Thommo1163]

Thanks so much Petal22.

I had to go see my mate with some paperwork. It was nice to do something outside of what I am currently living. I got to bend his ear for a good hour which was nice. Talking is one way I can get stuff out of my head. At my worst a couple weeks ago I was at a point where I was walking around talking loudly to myself around the house like a madman. That concerned me as at that point I thought I was going mad. But the talking did stop noise living inside my head though. Just disconcerting for those around me.

The kids don't know their mum has a new male "friend". She for whatever reason doesn't want anyone to know although she has told her best friend. Once again this plays into my fears though. Is she doesn't want anyone to know incase she does leave me and they'll say it was because she found another man. Or is it the case she doesn't want them to know because they will question why they weren't told when he first came on the scene 12 weeks ago, hence is he the reason we are where we are. To me she is protecting herself. But the fact she can't be honest then also puts doubts in my mind. Sending good morning wished to one friend every morning and not others says to me it's a closer friendship than she is telling me. The fact she only started catching up with him 12 weeks ago, and only by phone also to someone getting mixed message and feeling anxious also says the friendship is heading in a different direction.

The sudden change of warm to cold in our relationship in 3 days is doing my head in. I keep telling her we can make it work as we both love each other which is a good starting platform. She does love me, i know that. But she will always have a comeback of well sometime love just isn't always enough as a way to distance my comment without totally shutting it down. I really wish that we hated each other so we could just say lets just get it over with. That would be the easy way though, I have taken the easy options right through my life because of my anxiety and eating issues. As painful and difficult as it is right now, I won't take the easy option. I want to fight for the right to remain married to her. I have told her that and she has said she wouldn't have respected me if I did take the easy option, but also that it also could be a selfish option because sometimes if you love someone you should let them free.

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo,

Yes just being outside doing something different can make you feel a whole lot better, your attention can focus on other things because there is more around you….. and talking to your mate would have really helped…. Just talking to people in general helps….. try to make it an every day thing to get out of your normal surroundings…. and talk to your friends….

I do understand the talking out loud sometimes when we have anxiety, in my experience anxiety made me feel like I was going crazy……….

Just getting out and talking to people helped… I’d go to the shops and just start conversations with the shop assistants…. It helps…

Keep up the fight with your anxiety you will get better with the correct help just keep pushing forward…..

I’m here to chat

[Thommo1163]

After a conversation tonight I am getting the feeling my wife is trying to get me right, so I can function as a normal human being so that she can walk out the door knowing I'll be ok. Time to start some music......

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo1163,

Sorry to hear that,

Stick with your journey, don’t give up on the person you are becoming.. keep pushing forward 💪

Go and visit a mate today

here to chat

[Thommo1163]

Had the big chat yesterday. After almost 12 weeks I finally managed to get the truth out of her. She no longer loves me enough to want to make things work. Even saying she would only do counselling as a way of keep things amicable. She cant pinpoint when she stopped loving me. The last 12 weeks of stops & starts she says she was also confused. Yet I have believed this is where we would be back then. I just didnt want to accept it. To say I saw the fact she didnt love me coming has hit me like a sledgehammer. I always thought that she did. The way she looked at me was love, but concerned love, friend love. Not the way I was always looking back at her. She pretty much admitted she was trying to help me "fix" myself so I could stand on my own 2 feet. She has known that she was leaving me for a long while now, she just couldnt say it because she knew it would hurt me.

I am now questioning why I should bother with further counselling or doing anything that she had asked me too. I may now be single, but I'll never put myself out there for love again. Not interested in all the heart ache that comes with it. I am more than happy to find a little box to go live in.

She never did any of this to hurt me. She is a great woman. I have contributed to it over the many years by not dealing with my anxiety & eating issues. But she has hit me pretty hard with all this and has contributed to how broken I now am. As hard as it will be, I want to remain friends at least. She is my best & only real friend. I can't lose that too. I am just not sure I can put myself through the pain of all that comes with my personal change on top of my marital change as well. I can continue to be just me as I am and not hurt anyone.

I now have that added anxiety of everybody knowing & explaining that what many people used to believe were the perfect couple have now separated. Not sure I can take anymore shocks in my life.

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo1163,

So sorry to hear this….. I understand it would be so difficult for you……

Thommo1163, PLEASE keep working on yourself for YOU! and your beautiful children….. please keep on your mental health journey….. please see all the health professionals that you can on your journey they will help you to improve your life…….. stay true to YOU!

Stick to people who you know care about you…. Your friends and family….. confide in them they will want to support you…..

Thommo1163 believe in yourself go out and make an amazing future for yourself believe me you CAN…. With the correct help you can rise above anything!

Im here to chat…. Keep pushing forward….. stay on track for your recovery! It will be so worth it…….

[Thommo1163]

SO now she can give me more detail on when she stopped loving me. All to do with her learning in her job and meeting a guy who is the ultimate dream for her. She told me she was attracted to him, had been carrying on a phone & text connection. I know the last months has been all about making me right to stand on my own 2 feet so she can sail off into the sunset with him. Even though she just calls him a friend at the moment, its all in the language. Sure nothing has happened yet except for phone & deleted text messages. But once I am right it starts up and then everyone can look and say the whole thing started after we split and had nothing to do with this initial split. They were friends and now it has developed. I know for a fact she would go right now if she could. He is telling her to slow down. Feel like such a fool. I am now hearing that our marriage hasnt been great for 10 years or more. She knows I suffer from low self esteem and anxiety. I am not sure she gave much thought to how I would react. At the moment I am pretty calm. But I can feel the tension building. Went for a walk and that made things worse as things swirled in my head. Just need to get thru the next few days until my next counselling appointment.

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo1163,

Nice to hear from you…

Im so sorry to hear this…

Thommo1163 well done for seeing a councillor that’s great! Keep up with your sessions……

Keep looking after yourself……. 💪

One day, just like that…..

You’ll rediscover your light

You’ll embrace your inner warrior

You’ll grab your power back

and the whole game will change ….

💪

stay on your mental health journey Thommo1163, keep seeing health professionals…. Keep improving yourself for YOU! Believe me when I say your whole life will change for the positive….. 😊

Things may seem tough now but things will start to improve for you….

The best is yet to come…… look forward……

Im here to chat