Teenage son anxiety

[potoftea]

My 15 year old son has developed some major anxiety issues which are beginning to impact his daily life such as unable to attend school most days. My husband decided 6 months ago that he wanted to live by himself so we have separated, sold our family home and he and I purchased seperate houses. My son decided to live with me because he did not appreciate his dad’s decision to break up the family….Both my son and I were having a perfectly happy family life until my husband decided he had enough of family life. We don’t live far from each other and still see each other as somewhat friends…it’s complicated and confusing. I do feel this is a major contributor to my sons new anxiety, as a suddenly single parent I am at a loss as to how to help him, I haven’t even helped myself by talking to anyone. I realy don’t know who to turn to, there are no family members to talk to and I don’t want things to get worse…can anyone please help?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your sons world has collapsed no doubt. Anxiety is a serious illness that often needs professional assistance to overcome. I overcame mine but it took a couple of decades, such is the process and it is multi pronged in how you approach it. A link at the bottom is good reading about my experience.

Re: "My son decided to live with me because he did not appreciate his dad’s decision to break up the family".  Was your husbands decision to move out because he wanted to "break up the family" or because he had other reasons? I ask this because people split up without the reason to cause havoc. That comment I'm afraid would turn your son against his dad if it was said to him and shatter your sons and your estranged husbands relationship. It would not assist your sons anxiety. Essentially what I'm eluding to is that leaving the family home doesnt mean a person is wrong or wants to hurt others. In an ideal world both parents would sit down with their child and inform them of a parent moving out but in the same breath promote the love they both have for him and that although the move is sad and painful that friendship will live on as they have a great son to love etc. As your son "did not appreciate" that sounds like he formed a view that his dad is in the wrong and deliberately broke up the family. So some rectifying might need to be considered on your sons views on this as he would be extremely disappointed with his dads actions of moving out. I think you are the centrepoint that can promote a closer bond between dad and son which is a win win situation. What do you think?

I'd contact your family GP and local community services as to advice to help you and your son to help his anxiety and ensure his relationship with his son is restored as best it can be. Your GP can also tackle your sons anxiety and possible depression.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK

[potoftea]

Hello Tony, Your response to me has left me very emotional. It’s the first time I have reached out and the impact of your response is very overwhelming right now as it’s the truth. I realy want to thank you for your time and your insight and experience and I will act accordingly, I felt your pain too in your text and at least we are not alone…..

[white knight]

Hi again,

It takes an incredible parent to acknowledge the truth and put their child first with their mental health.  So you thanked me- well I'm thanking you because your love for your child is infinite. 

You're a good mum. But hurt and rejection is hard to keep behind our masks. Time is the only healer .. understanding, acceptance and friendship can't be enormous in our healing.

Well done

TonyWK

[Learn to Fly]

Hi potoftea,

Thank you for reaching out here. 

I would encourage you to have a conversation with your son and to gently, and very warmly encourage him to share with you his thoughts and feelings. About the situation you described, possibly about what's going on for him at school - the most important avenues in his life. Also, ask him what HIS needs are, and then truly respect and action them. I had a friend who was in a very similar situation like your son. They couldn't stand their dad coming for an univited and unexpected visit, totally disturbing their inner peace. It was very confusing for them and make it much, much harder to adjust to the separation of their parents. Their mother was allowing for father's unexpected visits thinking the children needed contact with their father, but it was making things much worse. My friend needed some space, time to process things, and find themselves in this new situation. It felt to them like parents were separated but they weren't? They got better when certain rules were presented to their father i.e. asking them how did they feel about his visits (if he wanted to visit), and if they agreed to this. 

Let us know how you go. 

[white knight]

Learn to fly

Amazing post. Just when one thinks they think of all matters covered and this possibility comes along, thankyou.

And of course the opposite could be true also, that he wants to see more of his dad?  Certainly that warm heart to heart chat is required.

TonyWK

[Learn to Fly]

Absolutely Tony and thank you so much for pointing this out. I apologise - I should have mentioned that the opposite was also an option. I have to admit my thoughts were very much stuck with the situation of my friend and describing the details got me forgot this most obvious option as well. 

Thank you again Tony! Much appreciated.