Severe anxiety in social settings with alcohol

[Kazz28]

Hi everyone...

I've searched the interwebs for information about how I'm feeling but I can't really find any, so here goes...

I'm (M22) in a very stable, healthy relationship, however, when my partner and I go to any events that involve drinking I very quickly become very anxious, to the point where I need to leave the room and/or go and find a dark, quiet spot to recenter, otherwise I'll have a panic attack.

Im able to have a couple of drinks (2 glasses of wine or so) before I start feeling uneasy and stop. At this stage, I can't stop fixating on what and how much my partner and those around me are drinking. I really (emphasis on really) want my partner to enjoy herself on these occasions and therefore I normally try and put on a brave face until she's done.

We've had conversations about how I feel and she really wants to support me and have good communication about how I feel in these situations, but Im really worried about her feeling as though she can't enjoy herself or her feeling controlled - this is the last thing I want.

I can't really out my finger on anything major that would cause me to feel this anxious in these situations. The anxiety can last 24-48 hours after the event.

Any responses would be great 🤞

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

Firstly I want to say that it is good you are able to talk to your partner about what you go through. I guess part of us feel that even when we are talking about things honestly, we assume the other person might not be?

The question I am asked, and will pose here is what evidence is there your partner is not being honest as well.

I found that even if the reality was different to what I thought I had trouble believing it.

With the drinking part... Can I ask what you are thinking about? What if you were out and not drinking?

What tools do you have to help you in the times or moments of anxiety?

Listening...

[geoff]

Hello Kazz, can I ask you a question, and please only answer if you want, are you worried about what may happen if she drinks too much.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Kazz28

May sound a bit strange but are you the kind of person who's able to get a feel for a room when you enter it? What I mean is can you sense if a room full of people feels peaceful or a room full of people feels too high energy for you? Can you sense friction or anger when you enter a room ('cut the air with a knife' kind of feeling) or if you imagine yourself in a room full of meditators playing gentle music could you feel yourself on the verge of being lulled to sleep?

Personally, I can't be in a room full of drinkers without feeling the impact. For me, this has an erratic uncomfortable feel to it. Sometimes it even feels 'thick' or suffocating. With drinkers typically getting louder with the more they drink, the combination of people talking or trying to talk over each other creates a kind of din (loud, unpleasant and prolonged noise). This has an impact on my nervous system, not being able to separate sounds. Also can't tolerate food courts at shopping centres terribly well for this reason. Are you sensitive to sound by some chance? You mentioned your ability to calm yourself through finding a quiet spot when in such a triggering situation. The ability to switch off a trigger points to self mastery. Nothing at all wrong with taking a time out from what you're most sensitive too, especially if it serves you well.

By the way, I wasn't always this way, sensitive to alcohol based gatherings. I'm a gal who used to be a seasoned drinker, to the point of self destruction. Now, being on the other side of the fence, being a non drinker presents its challenges.

If it does happen to be sound that you're most sensitive to, this leads me to wonder whether you have sound based interests (such as playing a musical instrument, love listening to certain music etc) or if you're in a sound related job. People whose natural ability relates to sound tend to gravitate toward sounds that please or serve them. On the other hand they can be easily triggered by certain sounds (shocking/stunning, repetative, high pitched, largely bass based etc).

Another possibility: As a relatively sober person, can you feel drinkers acting foolishly or thoughtlessly? Like if someone was to thoughtlessly say something insulting to another that they shouldn't perhaps say, can you feel the impact of what's being said?

Just throwing a few things out there in regard to why you may be feeling the way you do 🙂

[yggdrasil]

Hi Kazz28,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience on here. I was basically exactly the same at your age. I didn't drink at all back then. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but in my friendship circle in high school and early 20s it was really unusual not to drink heaps at parties. Because I didn't drink I was constantly having these conversations at parties where a (drunk) friend would ask "Why aren't you drinking!?!?!" and I'd try to explain drinking put me in a bad headspace but they never really got it. Not drinking seemed weird and almost kind of snobby or elitist - I suspect this is a part of aussie drinking culture. Also, at that age I worried my friends might interpret me not drinking as sort of an insult to the importance of their event/party... like "I want my party to be good and that means everyone has to be smashed so funny stuff happens, so if someone isn't getting smashed they don't care about my party and therefore they don't care about me." These sorts of pressures and thought patterns (whether valid or not) made me feel very uncomfortable at parties. I don't know if any of that is the same for you.

For me the problem went away when I started hanging out with other people who didn't like drinking, but that's not really an option for you cos of your partner. Another thing I do these days is bring a six pack of alchohol free beer to a party/event - alchohol free beer is actually really good nowadays, and you can obviously drink heaps of it. E.g. Carlton Zero is really good, and "Heaps Normal" is really good on the craft beer end of things. If you've got something that looks like a beer in your hand no one notices that it's actually alcohol free and you never have those awkward interactions with your friends. It's also different for me though cos I'm older, and where I live alchohol free beer is actually almost trendy now...

More generally, do you get this severe anxiety and discomfort in any other situations?

[Kazz28]

Hi, thank you for your response.

I can definitely feel the room when I walk in. I've always been an empath.

I have all the same experiences as you but also feel this way even if it's just one or two people drinking in the same room as me.

My senses always hypen up when I'm feeling anxious and I become really sensitive to sound and a bit sensitive to light.

I have been a muso, playing piano since I was 5.

When I'm feeling okay, sound doesn't phase me, but as soon as I start feeling anxious, even the slightest sound can just tip me over the edge to panic.

I can also emphasise with what you said about how people are acting when they drink.

I spent my entire teenage years looking after my friends when they went to parties and deso-ing. I would drink a little but never in excess like my peers would, I just could never bring myself to it.

So, in short, eveyrhing you said I can relate to

[Kazz28]

Hey Geoff,

I have full faith in my partner that she knows what she's doing, but I still can't shake the anxious feeling.

[Kazz28]

It doesn't matter if I'm drinking or not, it'd just the idea and the anticipation of the event

[therising]

Hi Kazz

If you can imagine one strategy that helps, finding a dark quiet place, can you imagine 2 or 3? Can you imagine a number of 'go to' strategies to calm down your nervous system when such stimuli hits? Maybe this is something worth researching? Could this be an opportunity to try and master your nervous system? Could it also be an opportunity to master your mind to a greater degree than ever before? Inner dialogue can be an absolute mongrel at times, a mixed breed of 'You got this', 'No I haven't', 'Just stay calm. Don't panic', 'Breathe. Just breathe!', 'I can't breathe', 'You're hopeless'.

I think, once you know what's going on, you've mastered half the battle. If you know it's your brain interacting with stimuli and your nervous system, it becomes a matter of 'How can I best manage such hyperactivity?'. Bit of a weird technique but one I find that works involves 'channeling the sage in me'. Wondering whether it's the sage in you that prompts you to find a quiet place with mellow lighting. If you hear 'You need to find somewhere quiet and calm to sit', perhaps that's it. Not sure if you ever experience the 'You' factor. It's interesting just how many people do, without fully realising. What I mean is you may hear 'You need to find...' instead of the inner dialogue being 'I need to find...'. If you ever do happen to channel the sage, this is good because then you can begin exercising it more and more often to the point where it becomes reliable in drowning out the stressful inner dialogue. Btw, the sage is only ever constructive. If you hear 'You're pathetic' for example, that's coming from somewhere else. Perhaps you're hearing the words of people from your past.

Imagine there's this part of you you're able to tap into as a reliable guide. What you might hear is guidance from start to finish. Could sound like 'You need to find somewhere quiet and calm'. You get to your quiet/calm place then you hear 'Now breathe'. Btw, if you're seriously tuned in, you'll hear the sage in you tell you how to breathe. 'Long, slow deep breaths. Keep going' etc. If the stimuli is just too intolerable, perhaps you'll even hear 'You simply need to get out of here'. I can recall being half way through a meal once when I just couldn't take the stimuli. I had to leave because I could feel myself on the verge of throwing up. Not a good look in a restaurant. Paid the bill half way through and left. Everything calmed down when I got out the door. Was a huge relief 🙂