Seriously anxious about my partner’s health

[Notmyfirstrodeo]

My husband has a couple of chronic health conditions that could become life threatening in the long term (although don’t for many people) that I am struggling to cope with. He is actually doing fine! Some annoying symptoms, but in good spirits and feeling generally well.

My trouble is I have a history of going off on these debilitating anxiety spirals that last for a month or so before they dissipate. My last one was in December/January, which I had just gotten over, but the last 3 days have been bad and I’m so scared it’s the start of another long haul. I cry frequently. I take a medication, but I’m already on twice my usual dose (was put up in my last episode). I just can’t seem to stop fixating on the worst possible outcomes and what it will mean for my family (we’ve got three kids). I’m afraid I won’t cope, that the fear will be unbearable and my kids will suffer. I know it’s crazy to be making myself miserable right now by thinking I won’t cope with something that may not happen or might be a long time at down the track, but once I get started I find it so hard to step off the loop. Dr Google is my worst enemy, but I do it compulsively!
I have done CBT last year and I use the beyond blue helplines. How do you deal with obsessive negative thoughts? Any ideas on how I can stop the behaviours (like googling) that just make it worse for me?

[Banksy92]

Hi Notmyfirstrodeo,

I'm very sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis and the stress this is causing you. I think when we care so deeply for someone it's only natural to want the best for them and to be deeply concerned for their health and wellbeing.

When anxiety takes over it can be really hard not to deep dive into Dr Google or allow our minds to wander to the worst case scenario, but with some efforts you can definitely curb these habits.

It's great to hear you've utilized the BB helplines and have done CBT in the past (I'm assuming this was with a psychologist or counsellor?) have you considered booking some more sessions in to refresh your skills and get some extra support while you come to terms with what's going on?

I would also look into any technique that can help to self-soothe and reduce your anxiety, which you can try to do whenever you find yourself worrying or tempted to google for answers. Deep breathing exercises or guided mediation can be great for this. The Insight Timer app is a great one to have an hand for a range of audio tracks to help you calm down and regulate.

Let us know how you're getting on.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Notmyfirstrodeo,

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, it must be very hard.

But don't try to shut down your brain to stop thinking of the worst case scenario. The more you try to do this the more you'll suffer, this is not the way our brain works.

I'm not a professional but I think a possible way is to bravely face the possibility of the worst case, accept it, stay strong, and prepare for yourself and your family, meanwhile enjoy the quality life with your husband every single day. I know it's easier said than done, I know. But your anxiety may be lessened when you face directly the worst and prepare to deal with it instead of running away.

When I say prepare yourself and your family I mean planing for your career, your finance, your insurance, all possible supporting resources, as well as developing your kids' independence and boost them growing up to masters of their lives.

This is just my opinion, please correct me if anyone thinks I'm wrong.

Mark

[smallwolf]

hello.

to go to the worst case scenario when waiting for results .... for many of us, seems natural. I have been there waiting for certain test results with a specialist.

I have on a couple of occasions resorted to google like yourself to find answers. And all roads generally lead to a some worst case scenario.

Each time I did this, I would also chat with psychologist about what I found. And each time I would be "wrong".

articles on the internet sometimes do not tell the full story. I was only searching for some answers to questions I had about how I was feeling.

Since then I have not bothered with any more searches - I am not an expert in the areas i was searching and if I did search again, what i find would probably be wrong again.

does any of this strike a chord with you?

I noticed Banksy92 suggested some apps to look at. My goto is virtual hope box. I feel in this area you sometimes have to experiment a little to find what apps or tools work best for you.

[Petal22]

Hi Notmyfirstrodeo,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

It must feel frightening to know of your husband’s chronic health conditions….

Im glad to hear though that he’s in good spirits and doing fine.

Maybe you could try to focus all of the positive things you have said above…….

Feed your mind with positivity if your mind goes back to being negative turn your attention back to the positive.

What we give attention to we give power to.

I understand how it feels to have obsessive negative thoughts……the more we try to push them away the stronger they come back and they come back with a vengeance…….. sometimes on repeat they just won’t leave us alone.

We become fixated on these thoughts, we become in tangled in a vicious cycle….. our anxiety becomes severe and we then would do any compulsive behaviours to bring the anxiety down…………..

Compulsive behaviours like dr googling ……….. and yes dr googling always makes things worse….

How do you stop yourself from doing these behaviours? You need to be aware of all of the behaviours that are keeping you in your cycle and then when you feel Ike you need to perform these behaviours you need to resist it and instead put your attention on something in the present moment………. Try to stay in present moment as much as you can and not inside your head…..

I understand the dr googling because I used to do this a lot! It was a compulsion of mine…….

I was diagnosed with OCD…………. I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you but please ask your doctor, clinical psychologist or psychiatrist about your self and your behaviours and OCD…….obsessive compulsive disorder…. It’s a anxiety disorder….

Im recovered now thanks to the professional help I received and I’m no longer stuck in the vicious cycle of OCD…… it’s very treatable…..

Please ask me any questions

[geoff]

Hello Notmyfirstrodeo, it's awful when you have to see your husband suffer fron chronic pain because any negatives only accumulate, especially if you go searching on the net as your mind is susceptible, but technology is improving so quickly, there may be a cure found and that's what to focus on.

Obsessive thoughts can lead to 'intrusive thoughts' where your mind makes you believe that the worst will happen and cause you much harm, but focus on that precise moment and ask yourself 'are they happening now', try not to think of the future because no one knows what that entails and predicting is pointless, we are only guessing.

I've found that my worst intrusive thoughts never come true because for me, it's impossible to know what's going to happen tomorrow or even in the next 2 hours and what happens if your husband has a good day, then all your theories are wrong.

You may still have these thoughts, but just push them aside, as I do and teach yourself that done of them have come to fruition.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Notmyfirstrodeo]

Thank you for your insights and support everyone, so guess the best approach is to take it one day at a time and try not to let it dominate our lives. Uncertainty is a tough thing to get comfortable with!

Even though I know there is lots of hope and upsides, it’s hard not to get caught in a ‘poor us’ headspace. I will try to gone all the good stuff equal attention. At the moment we’re both struggling with sleep and we’ve been in home isolation because our kids have covid, so when things settle down on that front it might be better for me