Really Unsure??

[pepper7]

Hi, My Brother in Sydney attempted suicide twice, I flew over by myself to sort his finances etc even had to clean unit at one stage from one of the incidents. I have dealt with this and said Im strong I can deal with it, I'm superwoman. Plus hiding a lot of incidents with my brother from Mum and Dad as they are elderly, to protect their health. My older brother does not have a lot to do with my younger brother, so I am it. Lost my job of 13 years got thrown on the list of unemployed at the age of 49 was in and out of jobs for 2 yrs...friends  ask every time they see me re jobs so do family. Worked for a company on the brink of bankruptcy, so resigned. Four months now unemployed, however just got a job I had applied for have worked there 2 days from 7.30 to 5pm it is a totally feral and stressful workplace I am a CSO so need to be on the ball, learning software that is totally foreign to me, but still expect miracles of myself. I was shaking and in tears this morning just wanted to run away from it all. The fear of it all got the better of me, half way there I stopped the car and called my manager and told him I would be totally useless today for him as a close friend had passed over night !!!! I am so disgusted with myself why couldn't I be truthful and just say, I hate the job I don't want it the hours are too long etc....etc...Well the reason is my husband and my friends and family, I am scared as to what they might think of me! I fear as to what might come of me at my age. My husband I don't believe is even aware of what I go through until this morning as he was leaving for work he asked me if I was looking forward to my day, I said well yes and no. He tries to reassure me that its only early days and not to expect too much of myself, but it hasn't helped the fear of it all. I said to him did you know that I think I suffer from anxiety attacks and I think it has been present for some time. He gets really sad when I tell him things like this sometimes he gets upset, I can sense it so I resume to be all ok and strong, I don't want him to see me weak. As I write this he is not aware that I did not make it to my new job, so I guess it could be a major topic tonight. He is the most supportive husband I know I hide a lot of how I really feel about situations from him...so he doesn't worry. I wonder out there does anyone else go through this or anything similar, because at the moment I feel so numb......don't wanna talk or see anyone just wanna be alone.

[Miss-Anne-Throwpy]

Hi Pepper. Welcome. Your symptoms so reflect my own. I dont have a partner or kids though.

See your GP and tell them the truth. My world has not improved yet from this but I do have medication which is one step. The shame and humiliation is not going to go away. It's something I'm trying to simply accept. Loss of dignity, strength, empowerment, independence and a big of joy. Go see a Dr and like me get to step one at least.

[white knight]

Hi Pepper, welcome here.

Miss anne Throwpy had some good advice there. Please consider it.

I'm hoping you'll show your husband my reply.

There is the medical side to assess your anxiety and other possible issues like depression etc. There is also the follow up like therapy, relationship counselling etc. And there is the self help area.

I found with y mental health issues all my life (am 59yo) that you can do a lot to enhance your life that can steer you away from potentially worsening mental health conditions. For example-

If you have your own home can you move to a smaller home, change suburbs or move to the country to eliminate or drastically reduce your mortgage? This allowing less stress and lead you to part time work instead of full time.? Financial stress = adds to mental stress

Some "us" time, hubby and you spending quality time together. Tell him you want to get closer and that you are not as close as you'd like and keep the truth from him due to fear of failure/rejection. Ask him to join you in researching mental illness. This could be as simple as reading a few threads here on Beyond Blue each night. Few people understand mental illness.

If there are any people that add stress to your life eliminate them from your life.

Make it a priority to take care of yourself better. Gym work, diet and hobbies/sport all help you towards a clear happy mind.

You already know that telling fibs is wrong. But its your guilt about doing this that will bring you undone. Dont allow guilt to effect your life. You can only do your best in life and your best is living the truth. But I understand totally why you did. Thats ok, move on.

In the meantime ask hubby to help you in a couple of ways with chores or shopping trips. You need looking after, you are fragile, you need others around you that can steer you in the right direction.

hope that helps. Tony WK

[pepper7]

Thank you White Knight and miss Anne Throwpy...I have today seen my GP made an appointment in a couple of days time for a psychcologist. This is well overdue and time I stopped believing nothing was wrong and I can deal with it. I have a little medication for anxiety that has been given. My husband and I have talked and he is so understanding and was so shocked but now that I have mentioned it to him he see's everything and understands now why some things have been happening. But I couldn't ask for more of a supporting husband....I think I have fallen in love all over again. Thank you for beyond blue and all that have contributed, I know I have a ways to go but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, as all it really took was for me to admit I have a problem to myself and my loved ones and address it.

Thank you once again.