OCD - checking - trying to lift the shame and secrecy

[ocdbill]

Long time reader and first time poster.

I am a 29 yr old male and have struggled with Anxiety for the best part of 10 years and struggled with OCD for the last 3. My OCD began when at a job years ago I didn't leave a gate locked; at the time it made me more vigilant and I would sometimes drive 15 mins back to check it ; fast forward 7 years and I am at another job where I am responsible for locking up.

My OCD brain told me to create a checklist for everything I needed to do; this kept the OCD at bay for a short time; suddenly the amount of checking increased and this increased the anxiety and a circle began where I needed to check the locks more and more to get the same reduction in anxiety.

I have now started seeing a therapist (3rd therapist in my life) and we are working through CBT and thought process with the next part to begin with ERP. I admit that therapy at first was hard and confusing but swore this time I would stick it out and so far I have.

What I hope is that we can talk openly about OCD; the shame I felt about mine meant I was in denial and tried to self manage; the shame led me to secrecy which just fuelled the shame more and delayed me from getting professional help.

My journey with OCD is far from over but I have started talking to friends and coming here and posting was always something I wanted to do to try raise some awareness.

If anyone with OCD is reading this please note the following

1) You are not crazy - no matter the thoughts

2) You are not crazy!

3) You are not alone.

4) Help is available.

Would love to hear other peoples stories about OCD

[white knight]

Hi Bill, welcome

I havent got ocd but my wife has it mildly.

When locking the house to go out she often puts an alarm on her monile phone for 10 minutes later reminding her that 10 minutes ago she DID lock the house !

A far as anxiety goes google these

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Bill, thanks so much for posting your comment because OCD is such an awful illness to have to struggle through each moment of their day, and for you to get a job that requires you to lock up would be extraordinary awkward for you when suffering from OCD.
I've had it for 58 years and if you've had a problem where one of your rituals was to check locks at your house, then to get a job having to do the same would be so difficult, I feel so sorry for you.
The topic to discuss this particular illness has always been one where we have had people coming and going quite frequently but unfortunately as much as I would love to continue with their thread they suddenly stop, this does upset me, because it's not going to go away that easily.
Some people seek help from a therapist or they could do free online courses that are available, but in the end it's damn hard work, that needs to be constantly and if not then you're back to square one.
I'm pleased that the help you are getting is helping you to a certain extent, but even if it's just a little bit then that's certainly good.
By all means, continue on with this thread, and there maybe questions you might want to ask, so fire away. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi OCDBill,

I'd like to welcome you here and also congratulate you for reaching a point where you have taken the step to start your own thread.

My husband has minimal OCD. Actually, I have no real idea of how much his OCD affects his life! Maybe I need to ask him that question! He does like everything in its own place, he is organised, and I like those traits.

If you have been following different threads here on the forum, you will have a good idea of how they work. There may be others out there who want to be honest about their OCD concerns and issues. It is great you have created this opportunity.

Therapy is not always easy, sounds like you benefiting though, so all the best with that.

Like sharing any kind of Mental Health issue, you may be pleasantly surprised at people's responses when you feel comfortable to tell them a little of how you are feeling and what you experience.

For me, owning my conditions can be liberating! I can learn how to deal with them, make them work for me and discover new ways of trying to make the most out of my quirks!

Cheers to you and all from Mrs. Dools

[Mary_Ploppins]

Hi there, OCD sucks it really does. Ive had it since i was about 6 or so , so almost 40 years now. The more stressed i get the worse it is , i take the maximum amount of medications available that takes the edge of slightly. Out of all my ailments if i could get rid of one permenently that would be the one to go.

I guess if you do the same thing each night for lock up making a list and checking it off migh work if its only mild.

[Ulysses]

Hi I hear you

two things that helped with mine.

remember it is a fire that grows bigger if you feed it but I think the best thing for me was when a doctor said there was a medication which could help. It certainly did for me.

[ocdbill]

Hi All,

I appreciate all the messages and tips and advice.

I am now starting work on my compulsion heirachy and feel like I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and now feel like I have somewhere I can come to talk openly.

I am also becoming more open about talking to people about it in real life.

[geoff]

hi Bill, sometimes we get too frightened that there are people who don't understand what we're talking about, but yes there are, there are many of us who have the same illness as you, so please don't be afraid, because if we don't speak up, then it's hard to get the help we need. Geoff.

[Sad_Mushroom]

Ho ocdbill,

OCD was the first 'issue' I faced and after being untreated for many years went through a myriad of other issues and eventually turned a full circle with OCD being the last 'issue' I faced and was medicated for.

As a child my compulsive thoughts were about people dying. It would be freezing and I wouldn't want to get out of bed but then this thought (belief) would pop into my head telling me that if I didn't get up on the count of 3 someone (usually a family member) would die. My compulsion started with 3 being the key number. Every time I faced something I didn't want to do I would get this "3 warning" and it had me terrified that I held my loved ones lives in my hand. Anxiety and depression kicked in very quickly which would explode in rages when I couldn't 'tell' people what was happening for fear they'd die if I did tell.

To be honest, this is the first time I have ever told anyone and I am in my 50's now.

After treatment for other 'issues' including personality disorders, I reverted back to OCD being the main culprit. This time it was cleaning. Every morning I would be convinced that cockroaches or mice had left germs behind the fridge, stove, washing machine and in all the cupboards. I was terrified that if I didn't clean them all, with bleach and sprays that someone would die. I couldn't leave my house for fear that the cockroaches etc would sneak back while I was out and leave more germs.

I am fine today. Still have a few hiccups with anxiety (brain burps) but can manage those. For me OCD was debilitating. I wish when I was a kid that more was known about MI, especially OCD. I know a lot of people who just think it's all about washing your hands too much and you get eczema. I wish!!

SM

[geoff]

hi OCDbill, would be interested to hear back from you. Geoff.