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OCD and Intrusive Thoughts

OCD_Me
Community Member

Hi All ~ this is my 1st post *eek* 

So, my background is... As a small child I used to repeat sayings over and over in my head to make sure 'bad things' didn't happen, they would always have to be repeated a certain number of times etc etc. I had on and off periods of anxiety over the coming years and was finally diagnosed 17 years ago, at the age of 20 with OCD and GAD, this was after being house bound for around 3 months with debilitating panic attacks. I was prescribed a medication that got me out and about and back to 'normal'. I still take this today.

Over the past 17 years I have functioned quite well and the majority of people would see me as a well adjusted, happy, carefree woman (if they only knew!). Anxiety and OCD have always been there just bubbling away under the surface.

6 months ago after being under some stress I started having palpitations and a handful of panic attacks. I haven't really been myself since then. I have a great GP who has referred my to a psychologist, but I can't see her for another fortnight. And also a psychiatrist to confirm the original diagnosis from 17 years ago to make sure we are undertaking the right treatment. 

I can cope ok with the anxiety and no longer truly fear panic attacks which seems to keep them at bay. What I truly struggle with and it breaks my heart, are the intrusive thoughts. They are violent and are directed toward the person that means the most to me, my son. Logically I understand all about intrusive thoughts... I understand that they are automatic, that they mean nothing, that anxiety picks on the ones we love the most etc. But they still hurt and frighten me so much. 

I know that I should just ignore them and let them be, but being a true Obsessive that little thought is always in the background saying 'What if" 

What if you are truly capable of this.

What if you snap and lose your mind.

What if, what if, what if.

It's at the point where I don't feel comfortable being too close to my son even though I know that's exactly what I should be doing to let my mind know that I have no fear of these annoying, upsetting thoughts. 

Thanks for letting me share my story and vent my worries

37 Replies 37

beingbyrne
Community Member

First of all I'd like to say welcome to BB and thank you for sharing your story. It is not the easiest thing to do sometimes.

I am glad that you've seen your GP and I think it's very important to get reviewed by a psychiatrist after all these years. Having those thoughts must be very difficult for you, and may I ask how old is your son. Is he young or is he a grown up? 

And I just want you to know that I am here for a chat if that helps. I'd love to hear from you again. Take care….mrs byrne

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear OCD_Me, I also would like to welcome you to this site.

What you feel is also what happened with myself, as I have had OCD for 54 years, and with myself it was with my Mum, who I dearly loved so much, she has now passed away at an age where she was in a nursing home.

I could never understand why this would ever happen and still to this day it's none the wiser, and only on here and my psychologist ever knew about this.

With myself these thoughts NEVER went through in harming my lovely Mum, and the same will be with yourself, in that NOTHING will ever happen, it's just an intrusive thought and nothing else, so please I hope that you can trust me when I say this.

Presently I take medication which is for my depression as well as helping me with OCD, which it has eased a lot of intrusive thoughts so that I can at least step on the cracks in the concrete path, sounds silly to people who don't have OCD but it's true, and you will know what I am talking about.

There have been many people who have OCD and come onto this site, but unfortunately they all leave, probably because they feel strange to all the rest of the responders, but it's an illness, which generally can be inherited.

Love to hear back from you, and please don't worry too much, I know that it is concerning. L Geoff. x

Hi Mrs Byrne ~

Thank you so much for your reply. 

My son is 11 and really is the light of my life, so yes, these intrusive thoughts are really hard to deal with. I know that they are not 'real' and are all anxiety induced, but they are just horrid.

Thank you so much for getting in touch and for the offer of a chat, I really do appreciate it.

OCD_Me
Community Member

Hi Geoff ~ thanks so much for the welcome! 

It's really nice to hear from someone who has experienced similar thoughts / obsessions. 

I've read a great book called 'Imp of the Mind' it explains intrusive thoughts really well. I highly recommend it. It eases the anxiety somewhat, but as you know, these thoughts are still so hard to understand and deal with.

I definitely won't be leaving the site... I think it's comforting to be able to reach out to people who understand. Not only the diagnosis and the symptoms but also the road to recovery.

Truly, thanks again for getting in touch. I really do appreciate it!

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear OCD_Me, I love the photo on your username.

I haven't heard of this book was it written by someone with OCD.

Depression itself is a hidden illness that does destroy our personality, but OCD goes that extra step on top of depression, and it's quite a common illness, whether it's inherited or maybe a learnt illness.

Did any of your family have it. L Geoff. x

OCD_Me
Community Member

Hello again Geoff!

My mum has OCD and anxiety, but not as severe as mine... At least she understands and is someone I can voice my worries to. (no matter how ridiculous they sound)

Imp of the Mind was written by Lee Baer who is a clinical psychologist that works at Massachusetts General hospital. 

I'm now reading 'Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals' by Dr Ian Osborn, he was a psychiatrist who also suffered from OCD, the book was written in the late 1990's, but it does have a lot of useful information. I don't know if I'm overdosing on information to try and understand this cruel disorder more, but at this stage, at least until I see the psychologist, I'm just doing what I need to to get through each day. 

There are times when I realise just how ridiculous these 'thoughts' are and then there are other times when I am absolutely crippled by their intensity. Unfortunately, I'm sure you understand only too well. What a horrible nightmare we live in. 

I hope you are well ~ take care. 

 

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear OCD_Me, it would be interesting to know why these people actually do their OCD, because as a general rule the final outcome is the same, but the reason why I would believe to be different.

I have a twin brother who doesn't have OCD nor has he had depression, but being fraternal maybe the reason, and my 2 other brothers and a sister don't have OCD, and I believe that my grandfather had it, and one of my sons also has it.

I know that 'these thoughts are ridiculous', but when you look at it it's a illness that sticks to us, and basically we had no choice.

These books sound to be really good and will look at them on the net. L Geoff. x

Etta
Community Member

Dear ocd_me I hope you have received some help by now for your bad thoughts I was in the same boat as you about 10 years ago I was having these horrible thoughts towards my son who was 9 at the time I would get bad heart palpitations when my thoughts where at there worse I ended up going to my gp after about 2 weeks of horrible thoughts and thinking I was going crazy he diagnosed me with depression and put me on lovan which helped me after about 2 weeks but I now know that it was not depression but ocd intrusive thoughts at least the medication helped. I still get bad thoughts every now and then but know where near as bad as all those years ago I wanted to let you know that it does get better. I hope your now ok and realise that you are not alone

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Etta, these horrible thoughts are what OCD make us feel, we know that nothing would ever happen, but they do intrude our thinking and that's what worries us.

My thinking was to hurt my Mum, but I loved her so much and would never do it to her, but it is scary. Geoff.