Nothing left

[TheBigBlue]

I don’t even know what to call this thread….

Today was a bad day. It’s my 4th week back in a full time job after about 2 years of working casual hours.

I feel so dumb & like I’m making too many mistakes. If the manager asks me something, I panic & my mind goes blank & I just stand there like a mute idiot. The manager also seems to have high anxiety, which then seems to feed off on me & make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

so today I awoke at 0530 in a panic. I just couldn’t bring myself to go to work today. But I had no reasonable excuse as to why I couldn’t work. So I fell back into my old routine of avoidance.

I avoided going to work
i avoided calling in sick
i avoided answering any phones from concerned colleagues
i avoided listening to any messages or replying to any text messages

i now feel so much shame & embarrassment. I can never show my face there ever again. I have let so many people down. I’ve let my partner down, I’ve let myself down. I can’t even get an appointment with my psychologist until early Dec. plus I don’t even know if I can express myself to her anyway. For those of you who remember my issue with her when she broke my trust, I can’t be completely open with her anymore. Because I fear she will put me in hospital. I’m afraid to go to hospital due to some serious medical conditions & that they may take my meds, medical equipment, or management of my illness away from me.

Why is ist so hard to live a “normal” life. WTF is wrong with me?

im rostered to work Sat, Sun, Mon but guess I will be a no show for all of them….

God I hate myself

[Sophie_M]

Hi TheBigBlue,

We are sorry to hear that today was such a bad day and that you are now struggling with feelings of shame and embarassment after missing work. We can hear just how difficult things are right now and want to remind you that you are important and you deserve to live a happy life. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[quirkywords]

The big blue

i am do sorry you had a bad day and it was a bad day .
the shame and the self loathing I can relate to. For many yeRs I would start a job or start studying only to drop out when I felt overwhelmed. I think I changed courses 7 times and withdrew from many courses.

I know that feeling of letting others down.
yiu are writing here and looking for help.

Do you think you could go to work on Monday if your partner rang up ans said you were sick and could not work on the weekend, Then work would know. I know how hard this is and only trying a. Suggestion.
sophie has given you people to ring would that help.?

Thinking of you

[Petal22]

Hi The Big Blue,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Im sorry you find it hard to talk to your manager it’s ok, anxiety can make us feel so many things and panic is one of them.

Have you thought about trying to react in a different way when your manager approaches ? Instead of thinking negative things try to deliberately bring positive thoughts to your mind….. you could even ask your manager how their weekend was?

Im sure your manager would be happy to help you with anything you feel you need to work on more.

Im sorry that your avoidance is coming up and you are going along with it…

You can learn to work on this.. one thing I learned with anxiety was not to do the things it was telling you to do because it will only reinforce it.

Try to make a positive choice that you aren’t going to allow your anxiety to win…. Go against it! Go to work your rostered days….. you really CAN do this………. Stand up to your anxiety you may just surprise yourself. 💪