My story- Seeking support

[Kizmet03]

Hi, Iam new to this &would like to share my story in hopes of receiving support. I was a nervous kid who attended many schools as a child due to my fathers occupation. I was the perpetual new kid &because of this have never really had established friendships. I married young &Iam currently going through a divorce age 29. My marriage ended firstly because of my need for a child which never came. After many gruelling cycles of IVF we were left heartbroken &financially desolate. My husband also has mental issues which were exacerbated by the loss of his job, He has been on a downward spiral since. After years of his abuse it all ended a year a go with a violent incident &me having no choice but 2face the reality of my situation. I had to leave my abuser. I left everything behind, including my full time job &moved in with my parents. Where I still am now a year on. I work 2casual jobs & I'm still paying the mortgage with my ex as we are having troubles selling. My ex no longer works & is on a disability pension. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, My stomach churns, I shake, chest pains, panic attacks &have issues with sleep. My anxiety has greatly impacted my life, I have never felt worthy,  I don't have a drivers license &I have few friends. I am good at pretending to be the tough girl, there are people who come to me for advice.If only they knew I cry myself to sleep. I feel I have failed in every aspect of my life.My most recent source of angst was yesterday when I failed my Ps test. I had made a commitment to myself & have been learning to drive. It seems minor but I am overwhelmed by the fact I failed at a task most pass when they are still in school. I feel lonely, shame, isolated because I can't drive & fear getting older & not having a child. I'm at a stage where I feel a pit in my stomach daily. That sense of dread u feel upon waking when something bad has happened the day before & u remember it suddenly, I feel that every day &I don't want to get up. My happy place is my bed blocking out the world, when I'm outside of this I am counting the seconds until I can crawl back into bed. The irony is, I run a spiritual page on FB, I post lots of quotes about peace +love+harmony. I feel like such a fraud. I am in a gigantic pit of self loathing &despite my best efforts I can't seem to climb out, I envy people & Facebook stalk people's happy lives like some obsessed weirdo, wondering what I have done so wrong to deserve what I have. Thank u

[Sparkles183]

Hi Kizmet03

welcome to the BB forums

I do hope you get the support you need from here. It sounds like you are going through a pretty hard time at the moment and it is hard to get out of Bed. I too have been finding it hard to get out of bed .but lately I have been setting little goals for my self to motivate myself like today was clean my room I am half way of completing the task at the moment. Try to think back to a time when you was happy and what made you happy. Was it listening to music? Doing art? Cooking? I don't know it helps if you know an activity that will district you and help you through this hard time. I will also suggest talk to Your GP and tell him/ her what you are going through they may be able to help and refer you to some one you can talk to. Have you heard of a mental health care plan? If not is a plan that a GP puts you on that entitles you to 10 psych sessions each year, at either a reduced cost or some psyc seven will bulk bill the full cost.

i also want to congratulate you for leaving an abusive relationship although it may be hard . I remember my mother went through a 28 year abusive relationship  with my father and the day they got a divorce was the happiest day of my life now she is remarried and he treats her realy great and it is the the happiest I have ever seen her. So believe their is still hope for you....

i hope things get better for you 

sparkles 

[Doolhof]

Hi Kizmet03,

I would like to welcome you to the community here at Beyond Blue. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

It must have been tough having to be on the move all the time as a child. Some kids cope well with this, but others do find it very difficult. Our family moved to the small town where I grew up. Everyone else at school were related to each other, so you can imagine how our family were treated. Our Mum had really bad depression as well, so she was referred to as the crazy lady in the town. So I get that bit about a lack of child hood friends.

My husband and I tried for children. I was not able to get past 21 weeks gestation and have had 5 pregnancies. I am not sure what would be worse, not being able to be pregnant or becoming pregnant and loosing your babies.

I coped with the loss of our babies through spending time with other peoples children. I ended up working in child care for 10 years!

Have you thought about seeing a grief counsellor? I assume you would be grieving the fact you are not a Mum. I know I have been doing that for years and found a lady who was able to help me to move on. The sense of loss and grief is still there and probably always will be, but it is not so painful.

As Sparkles has mentioned, seeing your GP if you haven't already done so would be a good thing. As will trying to find little things that you enjoy doing as Sparkles also mentioned.

Hopefully you will receive more posts here with people wanting to offer you suggestions and share their own stories and situations with you.

Have you tried using the phone link or the web chat here on this site? Both are great tools. I use them when I need to. The people on the other end of these services can help you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Kizmet03]

Hi Sparkles183's  Thank you for your response. 

I have been on a health care plan before and received counselling, not for years though. I'm starting to think it's time I go back. If only to release the thoughts that haunt me.

im working on goal setting, I have written myself a bucket list" 30 things before I turn 30." I still have a few to tick off but it has helped motivate me. I just keep telling myself one day at a time and when that gets too much I break down the hours. Life keeps rolling on. 

[Kizmet03]

Hi Doolhof

thank you for responding.

growing up lonely is hard, sometimes I think it's why I have troubles keeping friends. I'm not a nasty person or anything but I think I don't nurture friendships as much as I should and I don't contact people and that gap grows wider. The friends I do have are low maintenance and we can go with out speaking for a month or so at a time.

im sorry to hear about your pregnancy losses. It really is horrific stuff. I had a very early miscarriage with one Ivf cycle and it was devastating. Ivf provided some counselling and I have had a little marriage counselling and general counselling a few years a go but I might look into grief as that is definitely what I feel. Not just for children but for my marriage and the life I thought I would have with my seemingly perfect together husband.

I had trouble being around children during Ivf but I am a lot better now. I adore my friends children and my niece and nephews. I regret being so stand offish when they were born. 

 thanks again for your words it means a lot to know there are people to talk to. 

🙂

[Sparkles183]

Hi kizmet03 

it is great to hear back from you it is also good to hear you are thinking about going back to get counselling.

your bucket list to do before your 30 sounds great but remember to take baby steps and don't be to be to hard on your self if you can't do different things.

and as you mentioned only take one day at a time and break the day into hours if you need too sometimes if we look to much in the future our anxiety gets worse as our mind is to much on the future rather then the present time. Also make sure  you   Be kind to your self and treat yourself when you can...

have a good night

Sparkles 

[kanga_brumby]

Hi Kizmet03 your story is very similar to a lot of people. I have depression anxiety issues, find it almost impossible to sleep. Some of my friends come over asking for advice on life and things. If they only knew how messed I was. But at least I know that sometimes the advice is good and sound. Even if I am messed up.

As for me my partner was 36 when we had our first 39 the second. One year later I was a single dad. With people watching like a pack of vultures. Not one of them could fault my parenting legitimately.  With luck you will find the right person and have your own. Good luck Kanga_brumby