I'm really bad at socializing and hate myself because of it. Effecting my work life.

44Max44 · ‎02-11-2021

As the title says, I'm really bad at socializing, like really really bad. For as long as I can remember I've just not known how to interact with other people. I can interact fine with people over text or online but as soon as I'm face to face with them I just freeze up and go silent. My coping mechanism has always been to just be super withdrawn and try to interact with people as little as possible because as soon as I do interact with people I say or do something stupid which makes me super embarrassed, but that's a double-edged sword because it also means I never get any actual experience in socializing with people so when I'm forced to I'm completely and utterly inept.

It really sucks because I have a lot to talk about but I just don't talk about anything. I've worked at a new job for something like 4 months now and I've seriously not even had a single proper conversation with anyone there in that entire time. I keep on thinking that my co-workers think I'm really weird or something for never talking to them or maybe think that I don't like them, but that's not the case at all, I think all of the people there are great people but I just can't express that to them properly. We're having a Christmas party later this month and I just said I couldn't go because I can't bare the thought of having to interact with them and possibly making myself look bad. I also think that if I just started being really chatty tomorrow that they'd think I'm even weirder because of the super drastic change.

I don't know what to do. I hate myself for not being able to interact with people and make connections with them. Every time I do something I think is weird in a social interaction I find myself replaying the scene in my head over and over and beating myself up because of it and it makes me very depressed. One time I even cried after getting home because of how embarrassed I was with myself because I froze up from a simple question that someone had asked me.

I just can't get the thought out of my head that everyone thinks I'm super weird or rude or cold to people. I'm actually a very friendly person. If someone asks for help I'm the first one to offer a hand. I just really don't know how to express myself or how to socialize. It sucks. I fear I won't be able to make any friends or find a girlfriend because of this. I fear that my work life will suffer because of this. I'm a full grown adult and I can't even hold a simple conversation. I feel like a failure.

Sophie_M · ‎02-11-2021

Hey 44Max44,

We are glad that you opened up here this morning and shared with the group your fears and insecurities. We like to tell you your not alone in what your feeling and everyone at one point or another feels that way. We hope the group can help you and let you know its okay to take a chance and speak your truth and you dont look silly doing it. Thank you for your share.

Isabella_ · ‎02-11-2021

Hi Max,

I can see that you're really struggling right now.

I've had social anxiety since age 13/14. I relate to what you've described.. I actually quit my job after 4 months because I would over analyse every interaction with my co workers, I wouldn't know how to talk to them and I thought that I came across as rude.. It would keep me up at night and the embarrassment was to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was always in the way of everyone.

I'm wondering if you think social anxiety might fit the description for what you're going through.. because it sounds to me like this might be what you're experiencing. Social anxiety and depression can also be interlinked.. It becomes a cycle where you feel that you won't ever be able to have relationships, and you start to isolate yourself because socialising becomes way too hard. You also mentioned that you manage it by withdrawing from people which can be a very telling sign..

I very much relate to the fact that you think that they're great people, but you aren't sure how to express it. It is very much a double edged sword.

How would you feel about telling your GP about what you've been going through, and perhaps consider therapy?

Social anxiety is a very real disorder.. It's beyond shyness and being reserved.. And it can get very out of hand when you ignore it or try to make excuses for it. Your self esteem can become extremely low, and everyday life can become unbearable. I hope you can reach a place where you accept yourself and recognise that you may be experiencing something quite serious that needs medical attention.

Thank you for sharing with us on here, I'm free for a chat if you need it ❤️

44Max44 · ‎03-11-2021

Thanks for the replies.

Yes I do think I have social anxiety. I think I've had it for the majority of my life in-fact. I remember being something like 7 years old and at school and I never wanted to be in any of my class plays because I hated it. My parents and myself always just said it was because I'm 'shy'. This continued into highschool and I even failed my English class and had to drop-out of highschool because I refused to get up in front of the class for any of my assignments, so I failed them. At my first real job I ended up quitting because they wanted me to start serving customers at the cash registers which wasn't part of the job description.

I know I need to seek professional help but even that gives me anxiety. Having to call people up on the phone to book the appointments or get on the waiting list gives me anxiety. Having to ask someone to drive me to and from the appointments gives me anxiety. Pretty much anything that requires any social interaction at all gives me anxiety. There's only two people that I can actually talk freely to without anxiety and that's my Mum and my best mate, with quite literally everyone else I have a filter up and I'm really careful with what I say and do.

I don't think I'm going to quit this job I have now anytime soon. Everyone there seems to be accepting of me even with how withdrawn I am. It really does feel like I'm part of a family there which is nice. I just hope I don't come off as rude to them or disinterested in forming a connection with them. I have noticed that a lot of my co-workers seem to say 'sorry' to me a LOT even for minor things and I'm not sure why. Maybe it looks like I'm pissed off with them or something? I do have a pretty bad case of 'resting b*tch face' so maybe that's it. But in reality I'm just trying to stay out of their way and inconvenience them as little as possible. If anything I'm the one that should be saying sorry to them.

I'm starting to lean towards me having GAD because I seem to have anxiety about pretty much anything and everything. I had health anxiety pretty bad for a while and still do to a degree. I'm always anxious about socializing. I'm anxious about the unknown. I even get anxious when I realize I'm not anxious for once.

I will try to seek help but as I said even that gives me anxiety. It sucks. I already have a referral to a psych from my GP, all I need to do is call. It's been a week or so since getting that referral and I still haven't called. It's hard.

Isabella_ · ‎05-11-2021

Hey there,

I resonate with what you say about feeling guilty that you come across as rude. I think what helps me is realising that it's more than just shyness.. It's a very real condition that can't be switched off. I also sometimes have to reconcile with the fact that social anxiety makes you believe that people are thinking negatively of you, that's a big part of what it does. Often if we're insecure about something we believe that everyone else is judging us for it, when 9/10 they don't even notice, or interpret it like we think they do.

Talking on the phone is very daunting for me also, not to mention sitting in a room with a doctor. My best friend was happy to make the appointment for me and came along with me, which was very helpful. I understand that might not be typical for all friendships. When I got my vaccine, I used the health engine website and made an online appointment with a GP rather than calling, which was really helpful for me.

I understand that it is something that you have to do when you're ready to. But I think having it as a goal or next step in your mind to work towards is really great, and matters more than you think. Having it on the table is important. It helped me to realise that the anxiety of talking to someone and all the steps in between were kind of a sacrifice, because I was on the way to stopping the anxiety from making me feel so horrible about doing everyday things.. I was on the way to recovery and being able to manage it.

Anti anxiety meds and CBT were very helpful for me. I'm really glad to hear that your workplace feels like a family and that you aren't considering giving it up.. That's really amazing.