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I had an anxiety attack at work and now have a week off...feel guilty

Jessksch
Community Member

So some personal things have happened through the years: both my parents passed away in 2014 and 2015, my brother sueing us for the inheritance...recently my partner tried a new job to an area with hopes we can buy a house there but the job didn't work out and now we're lost not being able to afford a house.

That all has passed and I work in a job I'm ok with, but difficult to balance full-time work and life. It has been a year and last week was stressful, people kept coming to me about mistakes I made every day, then one day my supervisor mentions a mistake AND that I am working too slow, I lost it.

I ran to the bathroom trying to do breathing exercises, but the body wouldn't listen and tears started pushing through until I just let it out.

I washed my eyes and continued work, but quiet and people knew something was wrong. At the end of the day I called in sick for the next day and saw a doctor who gave me a week off for stress leave, I have already been off a few times this year and seeing a doctor and a psychologist again today but the guilt of not being able to cope is overwhelming.

I keep thinking of the future, where and how can we afford a home without renting? How am I able to function in the real world? What is the point of it all?... I was on medication and it has helped through the year, now taking another medication so I can sleep at night, but anxious dreams still come up though able to fall asleep in less than an hour at least.

I'm trying so hard not to loose it, yes I should relax and it is a disease, but in real life nobody will give you a break and it makes you a loser for it.

I have been thinking of just working as a cashier again part-time, but feel like a loser. Especially since I always wanted to sell my art but nobody buys it even with paid advertisement so now I don't know what to do in my life.

I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing excites me anymore and my passion for life has run dry.

44 Replies 44

Hey glitter. Panic attacks are from chronic thinking that has become obsessive and comes from worrying and self doubt, hour anxiety has become extreme meaning your body has a lot of cortisol which is very destructive. Stress response

ofcourse you will feel lower self esteem. It can be gained again, but at this part in your life you have to take a step back.unfortunately we can’t perform well if we can’t focus due to being lost in thought

read the power of now by eckhart tolle, also we fear the symptoms of anxiety and we treat the symptoms not the cause of the issue. There’s a story in the mind that is playing over And over. Try address it, journal about it get it out of your head

Hey Jess,

I'm sorry to hear about the financial concerns and also the guilt you are feeling and mixed feelings about the inheritance. It sounds like you still have some good memories of them, and it seems that is something important to cherish.

Did you manage to go for a walk or do much drawing this weekend?

I hope you have a nice day at work with the animals!

James

Hey Glitter,

Sorry I meant to reply to you in my previous post.

Are you able to take any time off from work? It sounds really tough to just be at work right now, and you seem really down. Perhaps some time off to focus on getting some helpful support could be really helpful.

James

Jessksch
Community Member

Hey everyone,

I'm sorry I have been busy with the new job and other stuff, but it's good if you don't hear from me, usually that means I am doing well.

However I am really loosing it at the moment: Our rent has increased and I am at a loss at the moment. We can still cope but it's making me depressed about the future. My partner is too depressed to even try and save up for buying an appartment for us to live in, since so many of his friends have houses (They moved back with their parents to save up, but we don't have that option).

Then, at the pet shop a bunny died the morning after I took care of him. Nothing was wrong all day yesterday, and then this morning I get a call from my co-worker telling me he was sluggish then died!

I hope I can get an appointment tonite to just talk to my psychologist on the phone, because I am loosing it at the moment...I have nobody to talk to, my fiance is just so negative and angry at the world, and I am barely surviving.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Jess

Oh no, bunnies can be so fragile. I am sure you did nothing wrong. Sometimes they just get heart attacks and go, and it's so hard to know what happened perhaps even overnight at the shop. I've had quite a few bunnies over the years and it's always heartbreaking to lose any animal.

I'm also really sorry to hear about your financial situation, and how that's taking a toll on you and your partner. If you are still able to cope at that rent, it may be a good idea to look at thinking about things one step at a time from here as it sounds like you are both feeling really overwhelmed. It's hard, and that might mean bringing in a close friend or family for advice or just to talk through possible alternatives, but approaching a difficult situation when you're already so stressed can make it seem really impossible. Having a less tired mind can help it feel a lot more manageable, and let you take on the problem one step at a time.

How was your chat with your psychologist a couple of nights ago? Did you find it helpful?

James

Jessksch
Community Member

Hello, thank you for your reply.

Yeah, I have kind of accepted that these things happen, that I did nothing wrong that this bunny passed away. At least he got a lot of love in his last week 😞

I mean we don't really have any financial problems: we can pay rent, pay bills, save money...the problem is that it will take a few years of course to save up enough for a deposit (and who knows how expensive it will get in the future). We just decided we will continue renting.

However, this kind of means I don't really have anything to look forward to in the future. I have been sleeping most days and playing video games, no motivation in anything and just to get by with work.

I talked to my psychologist a while back and she did help me talk things through, that others are going through the same thing, I need to find something to keep me going, but till now it's only my cat. My fiance is already stressed with his job and them not making him permanent and he doesn't want to talk about the whole incident with us not being able to afford a house, I think he is very hurt by it so I want to give him some time.

Now I'm at a loss: the world seems to bleak, everything we work hard towards doesn't work out, and every individual day seems so boring and predictable even if I change things up, I can forsee how things go.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Jess,

I was speaking to my housemate about a similar thing. We are currently renting and live in Sydney where house prices are just ridiculous. While it's feasible to own an apartment, though not without a lot of time saving for a deposit, a free standing house just seems way out of price range, especially as we are single. I find it really tiring to think too hard about this, especially since it makes me feel quite pessimistic about my future. So I try not to dwell too long on it, and just keep saving what I can.

You mentioned this makes you feel like there's nothing to look forward to in the future. While I definitely understand how this can feel really defeating, perhaps this slow period might actually be a bit of a blessing in disguise. You were quite excited before about being able to work at this pet shop and, while things haven't gone as smoothly, it's still a new job with a lot of perks (being around animals!). There's been quite a lot of change for you and you've actually been doing some really good things in terms of standing up for your feelings and needs. In my own experience, these periods often leave me feeling really emotionally drained, but I find my situation tends to bounce back as they actually often set me up for a lifestyle that better suits what I want.

Which is to say, hang in there. It's tough, and you're right in that there are a lot of pressures that make our dreams seem really hard to reach and makes it hard to get motivated. But a lot has been happening recently and it sounds like boring and predictable might even work in your favour just to slow down, find space to relax and get used to the new job. There are plenty of days ahead to work hard to achieve goals and do all that - but our minds and emotions also need a bit of a break from time to time and both you and your fiance sound really drained right now.

James

Jessksch
Community Member

Thank you so much James, exactly in the same boat! We are both in a large city and wanted to move out to other places, but the job opportunities are scarce...

So yes, I am stressing out so much about everything, it is getting hard to keep going honestly. However, your kind words did give me a bit of a push, I think I need a reminder that we are not the only ones going through it all.

The problem is, yes, we all definitely deserve a break, but life won't stop for you. I am on a 3 month trial for this pet shop job and only working 3 days a week already. Before changing I took a week off, and with my days off I should be able to keep it together. Yet, even on my days off I mostly just lie there and sleep and waste my days.

My partner is still working hard to become permanent but may even have to endure for another year or so that he can 😞 He just won't take a break even if he deserves it or until he is made permanent!

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Jess,

Ah, life never stopping for you is such a true statement 😞 I'm glad you said you feel like you deserve a break, because you really do, as does your partner as well. But it's so hard to keep up with the demands of life and it can often feel like getting a stable job is the number one priority. I think in many ways, it is one of the biggest priorities because it pays the way. The problem is it just takes such a toll on us, so I fully understand why you are finding it difficult even on your days off.

Still, it sounds like you would actually like to do more on those days off rather than feeling like you've wasted them. What kinds of things do you think you would like to do on your days off?

Speaking of which, I set myself a task of reading a book this weekend. I set out to read 52 this year, and in the first 6 months I only read 1. 😞 So apparently I have 51 to read in 6 months, and that doesn't look like it's going to happen. But I'm about 3/4 of the way through my second book for the year, so even though I'm really far behind, I'm pretty happy about the progress this weekend. I hope you had a nice weekend also!

James

Jessksch
Community Member

Thank you for your reply! I have to admit I wasn't feeling very well lately: the weather has been crazy around here and been pushing myself to get through. But even though I sleep through the night I still feel so damn tired and have to take a nap. I woke up from one today and felt my throat sore and face pain so I'm taking a sick day tomorrow. I feel extremely guilty in a way since I have only been working there for 2 months and only 3 days a week! But in the end I do put all my effort into selling when I can. Just even sometimes I get so angry being around people too long too and even though my coworkers are really nice, it's the day I don't work with anyone I am happiest since I can take some time to relax my mind.

 

I have been playing my nintendo switch a lot more, it's nice to play some relaxing games and I kind of got rid of the ones that stress me out, so that's good.

 

Well, sometimes aims like that, if you give them a timer like a year, it can still stress you out! I find that starting wit hthe lowest value possible is best! Start by saying maybe only 3 a year minimum? And if you can do extras on top of that, that's just a plus!