Having a nervous breakdown

[Speechless]

I cant stop this terror inside me, i am constantly having anxiety attacks throughout the day and night and cannot relax at all. 

if im able to function, its because ive taken L Trytophan powder with some soy milk but i still have lingering panic instilled in me.

i cannot function, i cant not stop crying and feeling extreme anxiety and upset. Its non stop.

i have GAD and depression and was finding things really hard this year due to my only friend and his schizophrenia and substance abuse and also having to drive my parents everywhere due to my dads car actually catching on fire in the driveway on our acerage. His car was not insured. I havent been well for years but last year and the year before was panic things that happened but resolved  but i kinda got burnt out.

i have written on here before about things. I live on 5 acres of land which i love and i have my chickens, i live with my parents and our neighbours are so far away. Great views of the valley and a house facing north to catch the sun. All these values have been here in this family. Its been part of my identity, my home and ive lived here since 1997. 
its semi- rural.

ive been trying to cope this last year and since, always tied up in bed if i wasnt driving my parents or lending my car to my dad. I have my little pet dog with me everywhere i go in the car and i have loved feeding wild birds at home. But i havent socialised except for my friend with schizophrenia. Ive basically been a recluse all my life and im 40 years old female.

ive been trying to get on my feet when my dad out of nowhere brought in a real estate agent into the house to value it ( we did a clean of the house) and then whilst the agent was here my dad said that we were going to sell this place soon, first i knew of that same with my mum. But dads like that, installing fear into me and grief literally.

To make it worse, he told me that mum and i have to find a house for us all within 2 months because he wants to sell this place ( my cherished sanctuary) within 2 months so he can have money left over to play with essentially.

so our block of land is worth a bit, and he wants us to find a medium - cheap priced house so that he can invest the rest in silver to try and raise money for my sister so she can have a house because he had alot of money invested in some shares which has been in shutdown for a year due to court cases and corruption. That was his way of raising revenue to get my older sister who is a single mum and a bit of a narcissist i may add a house too, but i think dads tired of waiting.

So hes instilled tremendous fear into me. I am in a nervous breakdown, i think i have agoraphobia and have for some time. I have never lived close to people like an urban thing. The move is from a rural place which is incredibly private into a house somewhere in the same tourist town but not rural.

I have to give up my chickens and say goodbye within 2 months all of a sudden when i cant cope or function and have to have this looming fear over me. Just to even think about neighbours and fences next to me ive always detested and part of my identity has been where i live. Just even thinking about it breaks me down.

Just to even look at realestate online i have to go thru anxiety attacks really bad and then put myself back together. I cannot function and feel incredibly the worst ive ever felt. Just sheer terror, my home is being ripped from under me at a time when ive been really ill and im supposed to look for a place within 2 months? I feel incredibly ill with my stomach and anxiety.

i see a counselor but shes $$ and i cant see her regularly shes not on the medicare yet. But i have a gov scheme i maybe able to bump some free sessions wih another counselor.

But how am i expected to cope with all this because i really need assurance and someone to help me tell me everything be ok etc. my parents don’t understand a bit, my mum is partly deaf and my dad might be on the spectrum slightly. Mum doesn’t understand why im like this. I don’t understand how they can just go about their day without breaking down because of the fear of this situation. 

[Flop]

Hello Speechless,

This is a lot to digest and I can tell it's your frantic mind in action. Which isn't a problem, I hope by the time of reading this you feel a little more calm.

Firstly, a move after living most of your life in a wide and secluded place is definitely a shock to the system, even someone without anxiety would experience a bit of worry. I promise you can handle it, and once everything's situated you'll be okay, great even. 

House shopping with your mother could be fun, I understand all the stress and the worries, but it's really just finding a new box to sleep in. Having an anxious reaction to looking at houses online is totally okay, since it's something you're worrying about, it's bound to happen. These are all normal and okay feelings to have.

I'm sorry your family seems to not understand your dread, your father being on the spectrum potentially is troublesome too, as it's harder for him to understand your feelings. By all means, your parents love you and they're doing this for more comfortable living.

I kinda struggle with agoraphobia too, being at a super market used to be too much for me, but bit by bit, I'm now able to walk around no problem, tho I sweat a lot assuming due to anxiety which is annoying, but not a panic attack. This transition will be tough on you at first, but with baby steps you'll adapt and be accepting of the differences. Change is definitely scary, but shouldn't always be seen as a bad thing.

I'm not trying to undervalue your feelings, I've been panicked and I know how world ending it feels, but you'll get through it. It seems so big and impossible now, but as you get through the days, and do a little each one, by the time it's moving time you'll be ready for it. Try your best to pace yourself and take it as it comes.

It'll be hard saying goodbye to all your animals, I'm sorry you'll have to do that, but they'll be okay. I'm sure wherever they end up they'll be taken care of, and that's the best you could want for them.

For resources, I know Beyond Blue has a 24/7 line you could call, and aside from that you could try online therapies, a lot of them bulk bill which may help with your situation. Guided meditations could also help in a panic, there's apps or YouTube videos for that.

Essentially what I'm saying in all this, is it seems scary and impossible now, but it'll get smaller and less frightening as the days go by, I know you can't stop yourself from worrying, but worrying is just gonna make you feel worse and not help the situation . There's something called "magic worrying" where you think the more you worry about something, the more you'll understand and be able to solve the issue, but this doesn't seem like an issue that needs solving, there's a clear path ahead of you.

You'll be okay, I'm sure there's been other difficulties in life you've overcome and for the better. This is just another hurdle, and you can definitely make it over this one, like you have many times before. Hopefully these words reach you positively. Feel better 🙂 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Speechless,

I really am so sorry you’re trying to deal with so much right now..

I lived on 8 acres of land with a stunning views…we my husband and I moved their from the outer western suburbs of Sydney around 13 years ago….after he passed away and a failed small corner shop venture went wrong..I was forced to sell my home due to financial losses…

I bought a smaller property in the neighbouring town…I do have neighbours back and sides but not in front of me…I have a grazing property in front of me…I still had a nice view which I cherish so much….My neighbours have chickens, her land isn’t that big, possibly a half an acre..My neighbour the other side has bushes and small trees surrounding her property…It’s possible for you to move and still take your beautiful chickens with you…

Moving closer to the bigger town which is 30 kilometres away that I do my shopping at, has some benefits for me…There were people around me, yes strangers, but those strangers became familiar faces to me…and my anxiety settled around them….then I started volunteering at a well know charity shop..which gets me out of my home, where before I did that, I stayed months inside my house..too afraid with my anxiety to even a step foot passed my front gate….

Maybe Dear Speechless, you can find a smaller property, in a small town, so you can take your animals with you, and hopefully you’ll settle in enough to meet the people that will be living around you..and who knows? Maybe even form some nice friendships…or as impossible as it feels now, you might like to volunteer your services which is a wonderful way to meet some people as well…

Change is hard Speechless, but can sometimes turn out to be beneficial to ourselves…If we give it a chance and lots of patience….I do wish you the best in your house hunting and do hope you find a nice place to live..

We are all here  if you want to talk some more..to try to support you the best we can..

My kindest thoughts with my care, Dear Speechless,

Grandy..

[Speechless]

Thankyou Flop and thankyou Grandy.

its just been a huge shock, and it keeps being one. For my dad to go from making a gazebo in the front yard where the view is to then going a few months later ‘ hey you and your mum have two months to find us a new place cause were moving out’

How do you even process that?

Ive lived here since i was 14 and im 40 now. My parents are in their early 70s so I understand, but the main reason is my dad wants to get a house for my older sister whos a single mum.

He originally invested in an Australian company of lithium shares, a lot of money in it, but that company based in the Congo has seen some corruption with chinese doing deals under the table and claiming higher stakes in the company so they're been in court for forever and the shares have been locked in and unable to get out and thats been for a year or more. 

So my dad is all of a sudden deciding to get out of this place as quickly as he can and then have $200,000 to use to try ans invest in silver or something else like that. But i think its being way too unreasonable for me and mum but esp me.

how am i supposed to find a place in that time as well as go through what im going through? 
i generally cant function, i keep breaking down. I have anxiety attacks over and over like the fear has swept me. I finally get up to have a shower and i fall to the floor and cry more. I literally am a walking wreck, my nerves will not calm down but i get a bit of reprive from medicine for anxiety. 
 

The amount of pressure on me to find a place plus go through all of this feels horrific.

i need a private biggish backyard for a garden and some chooks. I need privacy and have it feel open like im used to. It feels terrifying because ive only seen 1 place a bit okay but its in a street i grew up in and feels eery and needs alot of renovation.

My parents dont seem to understand the fears and grief im in in finding a place and trying to find one so quickly.

Everything is so boxed in and hard to find something for me. Theres limited listings.

i cant eat or sleep and i wake up all sweaty with nightmares. 
 

Before all of this id been unable to get by each day as i was burnt out from last few years and also dealing with driving my parents everywhere and trying to do my ebay listings which i couodnt seem to get to. I was bedriden then just trying to get energy and feeling like my dad was taking everything from me because ive had to drive him as well as mum everywhere. Ive always driven mum shes mainly deaf with choclea implant and doesnt drive. I was also dealing with my only friend who’s schizophrenic and has a substance abuse issue.

im terrified of my dad because just has always decided on things and you have to do it. Theres no communication really. He just rough with emotions and i have to pick up the pieces.

Everything is giving me grief, to look outside to do my normal routines. Everything sparks me breaking down constantly and i need so much comfort. This is the worst ive ever been.

My friend keeps coming over in the night to watch something with me to keep me company in my room to get my mind off it but its eating away at me.

if i just had a place that was private had a good backyard or acre and room for me to garden, have my lifestyle still. One thing about living here is that we only have rain water and i couldnt really garden tho i tried for years, things ended up parched alot. 
 

my parents know i want those things but they are looking to downsize from this 5.5 acres and i dont know how im going to cope missing here. Its a sweeping valley with views to the town.

im afraid as we got a real estate agent how is wanting to show us some houses but they are all in a urban condensed setting and dhe doesn’t understand what my needs are. What happens i cant find something? What happens im so unhappy?

i get images in my head of being in a new place and not liking it, feeling really unease and boxed in. My identity and my sanctuary is being ripped out of me. All the values i thougt my dad had regarding this place have now suddenly shot out the window.

its extremely hard and im still meant to be driving my parents. We live in a country tourist seaside town.

[Speechless]

Apologies for writing on. I just feel so crippled with anxiety and terror. Its very hard to function. Pit of my stomach in absolute terror and sadness that i cannot function.

My parents dont understand. My mum says i need to stop this and then asks me if im worried about dad is that why im like this? She doesnt realise how terrorising this is for me. 

We've lived in a house where it faces north and the sun comes in, its warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

This house has fresh air and rainwater and the view. And now those values are just put the window. 

i cant eat and function.

i am absolutely terrified of changes and living in an urban environment. I just cant cope with it. My parents know that i want a backyard and my chickens and garden but its not just that its the house and the backyard privacy, its coping with a street, its coping with neighbours, i just cannot cope living in an urban environment. Its not me and its so hard to find something i like but i have to think ive got two months i guess. 

For as long as i can remember, when ever ive gone out, ive been uncomfortable around the people in normal houses close to each other when i take my dog for a walk. I would think i could never live like that and be grateful where i live.

Before all this, i was not coping anyways. I was just existing. I was burnt out and caring for my mum driving her places. Both my parents are able and younger than they seem, but both in early 70s. Just my mum has never driven and was born 30 percent hearing. So ive been the one to help her for things for as long as i can remember and then once my dads car caught fire, ive been driving them both to their things and then finally decided to let my dad use my car and give up on it my own independence. I was dealing with struggling to even function then because i was always exausted from depression and anxiety and loss of independence. 

and now i get feelings of feeling violation from my dad to all of a sudden rip up my stability. I just cannot cope.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Speechless,

I can relate to your fear of moving, it will be hard at first but overtime hopefully you’ll make new friends and settle down into your new place, I’m thinking maybe your father has a reason or reasons he wants to move from such a big property….too much for them to maintain now, because the property is fairly big…or maybe wanting to be closer to medical facilities and town for shopping…as they are getting elderly now…or maybe so they don’t feel they are so dependent on you so much….Has he given you a reason..if not can you ask him?…

Maybe finding a home that has a backyard you would like for your animals a little cheaper in an area that you like, that maybe might need some renovations could be a way to go…No, I am sorry that 2 months isn’t a long time to find a new home…Has your fathers house sold as yet?   If it hasn’t then maybe your able to stretch that 2 months into another month….

Sorry I’m not much help to you…

As hard as this sounds and I can’t express myself the way I want to…this might sound blunt, but I don’t want it too….but it’s his house, and if he feels he no longer wants to live their..then he will sell it regardless of how your feeling..and I’m truely so sorry about that…Are you able to purchase the home from your father?…

Here if you talk some more…

Kind thoughts Dear Speechless..

Grandy.

[Speechless]

Hello,

i think there are a few reasons why, maintaining the property, getting old, close to the town etc. But i think the main reason is financial. Since his shares have been in suspension which was alot of of money ($150,000 ) and in litigation and getting through with both parents living on half a pension and him having no car due to it catching fire and no insurance and my older sister always asking for money and my dad wanting to help her, he is seeing the only way out is to sell this place for alot of money and then use half that to buy a house in town and the other half to invest into something like silver to try and generate some more wealth and he sees that the timing and to be within two months because thats when the silver price hes read is supposed to be just before it jumps or something like thst.

But its I think its really unreasonable to have to hurry and rush to all of a sudden look for a place to live like that within 2 months. I think its really unfair the way hes gone about it and myself have GAD and social phobia and potentially agoraphobia, it came as a HUGE shock because dad never even hinted at this at all. He went from making a gazebo in the front lawn where our view is which was great and i helped him and we were waiting for him to finally put a table in it so mum could sit out there to do her crafts. To then all of a sudden two weeks ago or less he just gets a valuer in and then tells that person in front of me and mum that hes going to sell pretty soon.

thats the first we heard of that, but my mum never knows whats going on because shes only got 30 percent hearing from birth.

For me its been very very very very very tormenting. Its a huge shock that I could not take. My dad that next day, tells me and mum that we have to find a house within 2 months with a certain budget.

You can see how disabling that couod be for anyone, weve been here for nearly 27 years or more. Its 5 acres of land with a sweeping few of the valley and tourist seaside town, 5 km from the town. Its very very private and quiet and within nature. We planted everything here all the big trees from stock. I have my chookyard and the farmers cows in the paddocks. Its always been my refuge, like when ever weve gone out rven just to take the dog for a walk near the town, i would think how i could never ever live next to people like that in normal boxed in housing. Always grateful to have my home and freedom and fresh air and space. 

Such a huge shock to have my dad do this. To have to down scale mainly because he wants to try and get my sister a house. My sister being one that will go on holiday when she cant afford it or somehow find a way to get a brand new car and pay that off when she can barely afford that as a single mother - she lives in the city and its very important to her what others think. She can be a bit narcissistic. 

ive had to come to terms with this change over this past week or so and its been excruciating. I get waves of shock and constant pain in my gut. I will feel like everything is foreign to me and i havent been able to eat at all really. Havent been able to cope at all. Ive had it really severe that i felt perhaps id need to go to hospital but ive been able to calm my nerves and depressed feelings using nooptropics which has been a life saver for me at this time. Ill go from in so much distress to then a wave of calm within 20 minutes. Still feeling the feels but numb.

This is the worst ive ever been. Trying to find a place with a big yard and a nice house is very hard and its such an adjustment. The timeframe of having to do this really hard. Like really hard for me. I see a counselor but shes quite $ but i might be able to get more sessions with a free service because i qualify.

i just, the shock of all this has been so bad on my nerves and mental health and continuing to try and cope is hard.

[Speechless]

I just feel in constant distress and its very hard to control it. Ive got nausea, a sore tired stomach, agitation, depression, severe anxiety, grief and shock. 

I dont really know how to cope atm. My mum just tells me off when i try to calmly tell her about how im feeling. she just pushes it to the side gets annoyed at me and tries to make me panic more telling me to clean up, box things etc. 

The feelings I get from a real estate money hungry lady come here and the wow she talks about this place my home thats going to be taken away. And theres nothing on the market and all this pressure. I just cant cope its like everyone has gotten rid of their values of this place all of a sudden and where we stand. There was no inkling of this and then its like got 2 months to move out. two months to find a place. Im trying to find stabiity but i cant and its agony. My mum getting rid of things behind me. 

How am i able to get thu any of this when im this depressed and sick and anxious?